500 swords and 2 bad words

Friday Night.

Media planning exam in a few hours.

Actually it already is 4:11 Am- so Saturday morning technically.

My mind is wandering again. Theres a lot going on in there. There is a lot am masking. I know i dont want to, but i know i have to.

Sometimes, many things go wrong together. There are so many of them, it is difficult to gauge which one of them we are really worked up about. And then one day, the stray ends of the puzzle fall back into place. So you've been waiting for this day, haven't you? Strangely enough, the puzzle you were trying to fix wasn't worth it anyway. When you see the result, when you see those stray ends all in place, you realize it was not even worth the effort. Din't you intend to form a different picture?

Yes, you learnt a lot, helluva lot while solving it. But then, that is the only consolation you have for the enormous amount of time that has practically, in all means, been wasted. So you smile to yourself and take the learning with you, like you always do. And then you promise yourself, this is the last time, knowing fully well its not.

Do you choose to face these bitter endings or are you just born that way? A question you ask yourself all the time. You believe in practicality. You believe life is about the choices you make. Things don't just happen, you 'make' them happen. But that would imply, you make the wrong choices, every bloody time.

The world is a strange place alright!

but as long as we continue living, it all really is worth it isnt it?

~

And then there are days...

Days you feel it all coming back to you- the pain, the hurt, the anger- oh! so much anger.

Days you one thing ticks you off and you remember so many other. You remember the time you had done something you weren't really proud of. It hadnt been easy. But oh it was painful- so very painful.

And there was a certain sense of pleasure you derived from that pain. Pleasure that is sinful, apart from other things. But you miss that pleasure. And you want that pain all over again.

Because there are days when everything just really bloody matters.

The numbness that has set in

Its a strange sense of numbness. I wish i could write a song on it.

Infact I wish I could just write.

Its a task these days- to put together in complete sentences what I want to. Its a task to think straight. And when I think of what is bothering me so much, My mind feels blank, like memories have been erased. erased in a horrible way so bits and pieces loom behind, still stuck in corners, refusing to get out, but the large parts are deleted.

I hate finality. Theres something about it I just cannot accept. My relations with people in general are never complete, final or full. Theres always clutter in my brain which is quite ironic if one would consider how controlling i can usually want to be. Sometimes, i want to hold that brain of mine and squeeze it so hard that the thoughts should not be there go pouring out. I wish it was physically possible to plant thoughts out of the mind.

Other times, I just want to think about these things even more. There is a certain sense of pleasure one can derive out of pain. A friend had once told me long back- Pain is the worst addiction and your capable. I should have listened. When i look inside, I feel pain, a lot of it.

But on the surface there is a numbness that has set in. its almost like plastic. On the surface there is a lot laughter and shallow thoughts. But there was a time, I knew the deeper ones that lay within. And now there is a time when I avoid anything that lies within.

Since when did I become so comfortable running away from my very own self? Comfortable would actually be the wrong word. But habitual is probably correct.

You think so hard, you go crazy and when you still cannot sort it out, you ignore it. This is basic human nature- atleast thats what a lot of people belittle it as. But something is bothering me.

Something intangible, something that is an accumulation of more than one feeling, of more than one thought. I cannot pin point what it really is.

Until I cant figure that out, I guess I will just continue running away.

~

I'm Just wondering...

"Koi to rokey, koi to tokey
Iss umar mein ab khaogey dhokhe
Darr lagta hai ishq karne mein ji
Dil to bachcha hai ji
Dil to bachcha hai ji
Thoda kaccha hai ji"

- Gulzar

"Main toh hoke kisi ki hoke

Ye bhi Na jaani

Rut hai ye do pal ki

Ya rahegi sada "

- Javed Akhtar

:)

Randoming...

The kind of numbness that swallows me

Someday, I'l drown in self pity

The void within will only deepen

And in that moment of self-hatred,

Maybe, I'l finally learn to love.

-------------------------------------

These walls that aren't meant to be broken

Suffocate me, strangle me.

I keep wishing those dried up tears would flow

But am left to face my conscience, all alone.

--------------------------------------

19th November 2009

Direct Marketing class ;)

~Riddhi ~

For the very first time,

I deleted something off this blog.

This post just called for it.

I do not know why. But I had to.

Just asking

Am I really as vain as am made out to be?

~

Today

I overheard a conversation between the frankie guy and the guy who sells juice at the canteen.

They were discussin China.

The juice guy was telling the frankie guy about

how everything chinese is very cheap.

How he should buy the chinese make of

whatever it is he was planning to buy.

:)

What I've been noticing

The way the black road shines when it rains. And there is yellow around to make the shine look prettier. I like looking down at the road and walking these days. Black can be very comforting. Yes.

The speed at which people move in this city. Theres a sense of desperation in their walk, anger in their eyes and a thirst for change in their demeanour. When I look at them, I think they are thinking "Soon this will end".

The bloodshot eyes of desperation is more noticeable in the daily wage earners.And when you look at that intensity, you realize the beauty of being human.

How that road filled with trees makes me stop looking at the black of the road. All that greenery leads to an ATM. Whats more beautiful?

That Reading gives me peace.

That you can get along with most humans. Acceptance is the key. And a lot of smiling of course. But then, genuity matters most.

That when the chatter subsides, there's an emptiness that cannot be explained.

~

My mind is wandering

It's strange how I've been wanting to write here for a while now.

A lot has been on my mind, almost too much to be able to comprehend. But, when I open this page and begin to write, I blank out.

Was reading up the blog and trying to figure out how I could write so effortlessly once upon a time, how it was mandatory for me to put down my thoughts here, even if it was in the form of third person, poetry or what might seem fiction. Suddenly, there's a blank space in my mind that's pushing the rest of the thoughts to corners. Corners, I cannot explore right now. I miss continuity of thoughts. I miss effortlessness. I miss a sense of calm that would surface the turbulence.

Reading the Kiterunner currently, has some brilliant quotes I wanted to put up here, cant seem to remember where they were anymore. This is all just so new to me.

~

This is...

... to the little lecture you gave me and I kept shut.

... to all the times you called me dependant and juvenille

... to all the times you thought to yourself, your the only one who can 'handle' me.

...to all those times you convinced yourself i needed to be 'handled'

...to all those times, I knew just what you were thinkin, but knew this day will come.

I still care about you. Isnt that strange?

~~~

Not so numb

It strikes again.

That feeling you get before you hit rock bottom.

Its a funny phrase isnt it- 'rock bottom'?

You think you have hit it only to realize there is a new low out there for you to hit again.

But am getting that feeling, the one i get before i hit the first rock bottom.

Its not the best feeling to live with.

-------------------------------------------------

Confusion galore. Too much of it. I hate the fact that confusion is a good adjective to define my life. I hate it, but i cannot deny it.

------------------------------------------------

Current State of Mind-

Annoyed, homesick, deprived of personal space, lonely (and actually admitting it- thats something), people- too many of them and yet no one, irritated and irritable (easily), too much to do and nothing that i wish to.

-------------------------------------------------

Current Attitude-

Irritable, witty, silly, loud (not the things i really should be loud about though), laughy (for no apparent reason), procastinating (until i really wouldnt have an option but to do), weirded out.

-------------------------------------------------

The city is just rushing past me. Maybe i need to go for a walk. Alone.

I like this city, I know its more than a year for me over here. But its lonely and not in an alone way. In a way where you feel deprived of your personal space. I need that alone walk. Music, trees and me. For once just me. And the smell of the sea. Ah water! Ikky wikky bikki. blah!

--------------------------------------------------

And of course, the hurt again. Yet another memory I want to erase from my life. Cut myself off again. Now its all just funny. I think its what i want in life. how do I land up in such situations againa and again and again? trust issues it is. I am feeling that feeling again - having people who demand a lot of me, sometimes all of me, only to leave me with nothing, not even warmth.

I want something back- only I do not know what it is.

----------------------------------------------------

*Afterthought-

Such a morbid post! speaks sadness all through!

All this when I would actually describe myself as happy.

I miss simplicity. I really do.

Brevity Etc.

And suddenly I stare at this page and want to write more in it. But I never quite get past clicking 'new post'. Because suddenly, i feel all sorted out or maybe not even sorted enough to be able to write anything. I do not know.

Objectivity has set in again. Only this time I like it. I still feel those things within me, that I always do. I am just finding it difficult to put it to words.

On the contrary, I am also thinking of professional writing. Freelance maybe. Lets see how this works out. I am a little confused, a little excited, a little tired, a little bored and a little, just a little sad.

P.S- I am finally a graduate :)

It takes only a moment

She whined on for reasons many

And He looked at her with eyes heavy.

And as he brought back the smile to her face,

He watched her as though completely dazed.

And in that moment another was hurt

As she saw him with adoring eyes.

But his adoration was reserved for another.

She smiled to herself as she held a tear.

In that moment, she realized, it was two of them

While she was 'the other'.

------------------------------

She held his glance all that while,
Watched carefully his eyes, so very agile.
He hurt her with those words he said,
But she would not let it show, not a tear shed.
She smiled back as though with meaning
To mask the enormity of it all, that she was feeling.

She knew in that moment he should never know,
Maybe lying to herself, would make it all really go.

-------------------------------

Bombay Begins...

As promised to myself- next post from another city.

One that I will learn to call my city.

So my thoughts?

Excitement, enthusiasm, boredom, happiness, nostalgia...mixed emotions. So mixed, its difficult to document them.

Its good. Its all good here.

Music is the ultimate saviour of the soul. _ so says riddhi kapoor :P

Sala

Riddhi

...

"Ankhon mein jiske, koi toh khwaab hai

Khush hai wahi jo, thoda betaab hai

Zindagi mein koi, arzoo ki jiye

Phir Dekhiye"

~ 'Phir Dekhiye' - Rock On ~ :)

Bittersweet Endings and Brand New Beginnings.

They happen to us all , don't they?

But whats important before a brand new beginning is a perfect or not-so perfect ending.

A happy or maybe bittersweet ending. But yes, an Ending.

And I guess thats what I've been in the process of doing.

I'm almost done I think.

And now I cant wait for my brand new Beginning.

Next Post from another city. One that am already quite in love with.

I actually do not know what the future holds.

Literally.

So until the next post, tata!

In the meanwhile i have to do some ridiculous things like buy buckets and bedsheets. :S

Reality strikes a dreamer..Sigh!

~Riddhi~

All that Ends.

I am not a movie buff. I can count the number of movies I have seen on well my fingers. Batman is , something I am least amused by- was never fond of the comic book, never watched a single movie (I that is amusing or shocking or makes you shake your head in wonder/disgust, thats just too bad for you :P). I just have this mental block against movies in general and action/ superhero/ horror ones in particular. But recently, I came across the below dialogue in a friend's blog - one that I really enjoy reading and often wonder if I have written those myself. These lines couldnt fit better. They define a part of my life, one i got detatched to long time ago. An end that I had accepted and moved on from, But when i read these lines, I could only wish I had read them earlier. Maybe I really should watch movies. ;). Neverthless, the real point is, here is my perfect end-

Batman: You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I get to lose things. Because I'm not a hero. Not like Dent. I killed those people. That's what I can be.

Gordon: No, no, you can't! You're not --

Batman: I'm whatever Gotham needs me to be. Call it in.

Gordon: They'll hunt you.

Batman: You'll hunt me. You won't get me. Send the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen. Because sometimes, the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.


Gordon's Kid: Batman! Batman! Why is he running, dad?

Gordon: Because we have to chase him.

Gordon's Kid: He didn't do anything wrong.

Gordon: Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not afraid to move. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight.

The End 

~Love Me Tender~

Being 20 isnt easy. Especially when you belong to a generation victimized by a plethora of romantic stories - books, shows, movies, quotes, they all revolve around "happy endings". Growing up imagining that one fine day they meet 'the one' who shall 'complete' them, this generation gradually transitions from hoping to waiting for that day, for 'the one'.

I am ruthless to such desires of happy endings. I am a known realist. I almost detest romanticism. I am also called too cynical about this issue than needed. (Ah well but is cynicism really ever 'needed'?). But its not like I do not have my own definition of love. I dont believe in love but yes, I do define it. I am told that deep down, I am a hopeless romantic who uses sarcasm as a cover. I thought about that, looked deep down and then deeper down until there was no more deep left and I reached the conclusion that sarcasm was it, i wasnt covering anything. I really do believe that the common perception and definition of 'true love' is just a figment of overactive imagination. It stems from the eternal need for re-assurance. Its roots are inner insecurities that we refuse to come terms with.

The reason I come close to detesting the concept of 'true love' is because its usage today insults the very definition of love , or atleast my definition of love. From my observations, most (not all ) people view true love as that ultimate feeling of bliss which will arise out of the company of 'the one'. It is supposed be that time when you dont have to deal with the excess baggage your life has brought with it, when you dont have to fight the fight alone. The true lover of course has its own brilliant definitions. He/ She is assumed to be one who will understand fully what we stand for, will do wonderful things for us that we want done, will re-assure us, will help us get rid of our inner insecurities and well will lead us to become more sorted individuals.

This is my point of contradiction. I'l tell you what love is ( my definition, I mean). Love is more than that crazy feeling inside yout tummy when you see the person you claim to love, it is much more than giddy emotions and racing hormones, but above all, it is not selfish. If I love you, it has nothing to do with me. It has to do with you. It has to do with the fact that I know you and I understand you. I will stand by you no matter what. I love you but I may not want you and I might know I never will have you but I still love you. I love you because I want to watch you and be with you when you laugh, when you cry, when your hurt and when your not. I love you so I want to be beside you when you sleep, not necessarily want to touch you, but just watch you sleep. If I love you, then my love is devoid of insecurity, jealousy and anger. If I love you, then I will watch you be with the person you love, even when it is not me. I want whats best for you and am willing to accept it may not be me. Because my Love has nothing to do with me. It has to do with you, with who you are and above all who you can be. I know you and I know what you can be. I want to watch you be what you can be, but I want you to achieve it on your own, because that process will add to who you are. It will make me love you even more and it might make you move away from me farther. If I love you, then I will not judge you or hurt you or expect anything out of you because love has nothing to do with me. If I love you does not mean I want to be with you and it does not mean If I am not with you, I will stop loving you. Because I love you for what you are and what you can be. 

Love is when you know them, their character, what they are made of, what they are capable and above all, what maybe they do not even know about themseleves. Love is not supporting their wrong decisions but making them realize its consequences on their own. It does not mean holding their hand when they fall, but it means standing there and waiting for them to get up on their own because you know they can and you make them believe they can. Because Love is not about you, its about whom you love. It is selfless, it is secure, pure, content, happy and enough. It is True. When you love them, you will be true to them, but more importantly, you will be true to yourself. It does not mean losing yourself because your love is not about you, its for them. 

I love you for you not for what you are to me. I love you not to get rid of my inner insecurities but simply for your whole self. I do not believe 'the one' (If There exists such a thing) "completes" us etc. Individually, only we can solve our problems ourselves. To be happy, to be content, to be secure, we need to battle the contradictions within us ourselves. Needing someone else to help us with ourselves is not loving them, its needing them and sometimes using them and that will lead to nowhere. You love someone for their whole and you cannot complete or do anything about their whole, but you can care about that whole, love it, want to be beside it and want to love it even more. 

Love inspires love. It is not a need. It is not about you but about the person you love. 

I guess I have made my point. I might add to this later. 

The Bhagawad Geeta says that jealousy, anger, envy are all manifestations of our internal insecurities. They seldom have anything to do with the other person. 

I couldnt agree more. Why insult love by mixing it with a need to sort out our inner self? Why insult your love by making it about you? 

And well before I end...

Does such love really exist though? Does one have the power to love so purely? How would the cynic know so much about love? 

Do I have the Power to love like that? Have I ever loved like that? 

Your guesses are as good as mine . 

~Riddhi~

8th June 2009 

...

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to"

-Anna Nalick "Breathe (2AM)" 

Realizations Profound

Sometimes, you live a moment so special, a part of you remains stuck there even as you try to move on. You never will know what you your experiencing while it is still happening, but when the moment is past, you realize a part of you is stuck there- in that moment, refusing to move on. 
While you put the pieces back together, you realize maybe the moment your stuck in is not even worth it, the people who you experienced it with have moved on. But the reason you continue to hold on is because it changed you forever. It gave you a realization- one your not really willing to accept. 

It is now for me to accept what this moment gave me. That sense of realization has to come or I'll hold onto it forever. So I guess I should put swallow my humongous ego and realize that I am human after all. 

Reading List...

Come 20th and the following will occupy my time. I cant wait for holidays- when I can just read the entire day without a worry about anything! So here is the stuff I have to catch up on-

1. Shantaram
2. Atlas Shrugged
3. Hamlet
4. Othelo
5. As you like it
6. Emma
7. Anything for you Ma'am
8. Kiterunner
9. The White Tiger
10. Train to Pakistan

I do not believe I have not read this stuff. Infact its so embarrassing I wonder why am even posting this. Well considering I am hopefully graduating in 8 days, its high time I read this stuff :)

I cannot wait to read this stuff :) 

The smell of an enticing fictional piece..sighh...I know what I am missing out on 

Cheers

Riddhi

Story of my life ;)

"But Alice had got so much into the -way
of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen
that it seemed quite dull and stupid
for life to go on in the common way ...
Put cats in the coffee, and mice in the tea- And welcome Queen Alice with thirty times three!"

The Aquarius will tell you so...

"In spring, when -woods are getting green, I'll try and tell you what I mean:
In summer, when the days are long, Perhaps you'll understand the song.'"
"For this must ever be -A secret
Kept from all the rest Between yourself and me."

~Linda Goodman on the "Aquarius Person"

....

Of Lyrics and Ligaments...
"Cause I've got too much life
Running through my veins
going to waste"
_Robbie Willams "Feel"

"Change" the world?

I believe in change. I am not exactly very open to accepting it, but I do want to change things around me, always. Today, a few of my friends said to me "if there's one person amongst us who can change the world, its you!". I was overwhelmed to say the least. They know as well as I know how much I really believe in "Being the change I want to be" or just creating impact where i feel the need for it. I am not implying I am always successful but I cannot help but acknowledge the fact that i do give my best at attempting to create this impact. :)
But that is not the essence of this post. The reason for particular post is something else ( I will write a more positive one titled impact sometime soon, but lets leave that for now). So Let me start this with well my typical beginning style- its been a while since i posted something here. And now let me get to the point. :) In our own capacity we all want to change something about our environment and whoever came up with the phrase "Change the world" was, well a smart soul, no doubt, but a rather confused one.
It is interesting to note headlines after headlines and articles after articles on how an increasing proportion of the youth today wants to 'be' the change they want to bring about, or an even greater number of people who tell you they want to change the world. One very obvious question is how many of them actually sustain this want within them? Is it just a fancy figment of youth passion or a real selfless objective they wish to accomplish? However another point that I can't help noticing (and that infact stands as the prime reason behind this particular post) is how many of us really want to accept this change? Each one of us wants to change something around us, but how many of us actually sit back n reflect on someone else's reasons and open mindedly acknowledge or appreciate their efforts? Are we really up for 'accepting' change? I know this thought seems random (well, so do all of mine :P) but its been eating me for really long. We are all driven by our vested interests and our own benefits to make "our" world a better place for "us" to live in. How many of us have really given accepting change a thought? Not our change but someone else's change.
The flipside is of course the fact that every revolution needs its struggle and the greatest ones face the greatest opposition. But its victory against this great struggle that leads to great things. Quite like what Marx asserted. If we were all ready to "accept" so easily, then society would have never really evolved. It is so necessary to impose opposition!
And then again, who decides what change is really needed? who decides how great a revolution really is?
I want to change the world. I really do. I am going to have my own revolution someday. But as I plot my miracle everyday and try to 'be' the change i really want to see, there is one thing I cannot help but 'accept' - the world is not as bad a place to live in as we make it seem :)
There will be no change if the ones who need it don't realize that for themselves and stand up against what they wish to discontinue.
So here ends my thesis on "Change" , its symptoms and its consequences. I wonder if such elaborate thinking on so vague a subject will help me pass my graduation exams ! :P

~Riddhi~
( posted much after it was really written thanks to my not-so-recent surrender to laziness and unproductive activities)

I love Barney Stinson

He's Awesome. True story :)

<3

Or..

Or... This can be the title of my fiction piece .. my philosophies but by means of fiction

build a story around it.. will have more impact :)

hmm.. I am trying to convince myself am already a writer...lol
Like this will work :S

A sudden start

MY ultimate life aim is to write atleast one really good book, irrespective of whether i ever publish it.
I found the title to my book. I thought I'd start writing it 5 years later, but I guess i'l start sooner.

"The Philosophies of an unkown soul"

This is the non-fiction one. :)

I think i'l start the fiction one earlier but am confused- romance, thriller, drama, criminal, teen stuff... what should it be?

ahh blah!

tata!

Bavra mann dekhne chala ek sapna

This song is beautiful, to the say the least.
Simple lyrics that say it all :)

Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna
Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavre Se Mann, Ki Dekho Bavri Hain Baatein
Bavre Se Mann, Ki Dekho Bavri Hain Baatein
Bavri Se Dhadkaane Hain, Bavri Hain Saansen
Bavri Si Karwaton Se, Nindiya Door Bhaage
Bavre Se Nain Chaahe,
Bavre Jharokhon Se, Bavre Nazaron Ko Takna.
Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavre Se Is Jahan Main Bavra Ek Saath Ho
Is Sayani Bheed Main Bas Haathon Mein Tera Haath Ho
Bavri Si Dhun Ho Koi, Bavra Ek Raag Ho
Bavri Si Dhun Ho Koi, Bavra Ek Raag Ho
Bavre Se Pair Chahen, Baavron Tarano Ke,
Bavre Se Bol Pe Thirakna.
Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavra Sa Ho Andhera, Bavri Khamoshiyan
Bavra Sa Ho Andhera, Bavri KhamoshiyanThartharati Low Ho Maddham,
Bavri MadhoshiyanBavra Ek Ghooghta Chahe, Haule Haule Bin Bataye,
Bavre Se Mukhde Se Sarakana,
Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

....

Today was gonna be the day
But they'l never throw it back to you
By now you should have somehow realized what your not to do

"They were thinkin of Riddhi Kapoor's life as on 18th Jan 2009 when the wrote this "

what a line! :S

dimaag ka dahi

Back to clarity :)

Went the Distance
Now am back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

Dont lose your grip on the dreams of the past
you must fight just to keep them alive

:) :)

Music Heals

It does.
It encircles the worst affected part of your heart
Pricks it slowly
Till you can scream
and then adds balm
Till you get addicted to it.

You were right

A to Riddhi: Someday you'l realize Riddhi, noone's on your side.
*Riddhi smiles, nods, forgets*
You were right. I did realize. Just a little late.

In another conversation-
A to Riddhi- People use u as a scapegoat.
*Riddhi smiles, nods, forgets*
You were right again.

Things to do

1. Learn salsa
2. Spend the night on a beach
3. Write a book
4. Join Politics
5. Stop biting my nails
6. Become size 8
7. One real slow dance
8. Go to Venice
9. AIESEC traineeship
10. Start my own enterprise
11. Impact rural education system and scope
12. Adopt a child
13. Change mindsets
14. Cause a revolution
15. Script and direct my own play
16. Cry for a really long time -not alone though
17. Scream from atop a mountain or a reallyyyy tall building.
18. Buy a house near a beach
19. Make a difference to my country
20. Fix the sour ended relationships
21. Live alone for a year
22. Let go of hatred
23. The perfect kiss
24. Go clubbing with mum
25. Live in Spain or Latin America
26. Be hugged tightly, strongly, caringly, perfectly
27. Win!
28. Inspire

~Riddhi~

Would you cry just a little for me?

I cry
Alone
In the dark
with my head burried in my pillow
every night
before the pain swims to my head
and I can do nothing but sleep
to escape.

"Would you cry a little
Lie just a little
pretend that your feeling a little more pain?"
- Faith Hill ~"Cry"

What Riddhi Means!

curtesy-blogthings.com
You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

...

"O no, I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
But here am I in my little bubble"
~Coldplay (trouble)~

Simply Speaking...

Being yourself can do wonders!
Living an urestricted life clears the mind like nothing else.
Why impose so many barriers and limits to oneself when theres no need for them..not the least?
I feel free, unrestricted, unconstrained
and
happy :)
Life is simple, lets just live it that way.
~Riddhi~
P.S.-I cant stop similing.
P.P.S.- I am glad I made my decision ;)

...

"Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now"
- The Verve (bittersweet symphony)

Let me be

Theres so much love inside me I want to share with all for am afraid it will rot.

Theres so much anger in me, I want to express for am afraid it might engulf who I am.

Theres so much care inside me I want to let out for am afraid, you'l stop needing it soon.

Theres so much hatred inside me, I want to destroy for am afraid it might kill....me.

I dont want to be the extraordinary

I just want to be myself.

Thats where it always starts and thats where it always ends. Why do I think so much when I cant change the fact that I am indeed myself. I just choose to not accept what I dislike about me.

"Am a million different people from one day to the next

I cant change my mind...."

- The Verve (Bittersweet Symphony)

To some really important and some not-so-important people

Here are a few things I have always wanted to tell different people. each statement is meant for a certain individual who may or may not be of particular importance to my life ;)
So clap..for your about to have an insight into the most candid thoughts of this confusing mind :P

• I hate everything about you. Its not what you say or do to me but just who you are. It surprises me, confuses me and at the same time makes me know you really well. I dont hate you because i dont understand you, I hate you because I know you well enough. But believe me, you will also find very few people for years who will care about u as much as I do.
• Thank you for using me. You make me want to wish I never knew you. Or actually, you make me question the fact that I ever knew you. I was with you not because I understood you but because I just never Knew you.
• Dont irritate me. I really do get irritated. I just hide it well :)
• Yea, I have blocked myself. So stop trying to break me down. Yes, I do break down. No, you will never see it.
• I wish you would just give me a chance.
• I wish I had given you a chance.
• You made me lose respect in not only you but in the very emotion.
• The problem never was how much I liked you, the problem just was that I listened to you. I let u in my sacred space without realizing you wouldnt even value it.
• I never meant to hurt you.
• You know what you make feel like- used abused and thrown away. Thank you. :)

Sometimes I wish I could actually go upto each of these individuals and tell them this.. Knowing me, I probably even will ;)

Promise to post their reactions up here..with the drama (can i ever do without it? :P). Should make an interesting reading

Thats all for Now Folks! ;)

Riddhi

Change or something like it.

Its been really long since i wrote something.
Its been even longer since I wrote something I could associate with.
As I write this, I remember the times, I would be proud of my posts and sometimes even surprised at how the product of my thoughts shapes up to be.
It has indeed been one heck of a year- experienced some phenomenal moments. Atleast on December 31st, Il know what its like to experience a million emotions in one single moment (ok not million but enough to make it feel like a million). Wait for a more detailed post on this one when the year actually ends. Like I always say "I'l tell you on Dec 31st".
So while the actual instances and experiences that contribute as reasons for this post, will be mentioned only on that eventful day, when I complete one of the most memorable years of my life, I do feel the need to write about the repercussions of the very same instances.

Just sitting right now and reflecting back on how different this year has been from the other 18 ones I have lived, made me realize that maybe somehow, unknowingly, I have killed a part of me everyday of this year. I have changed immensely in a lot of ways and there is a certain sense of pride associated with it. For, I have grown, matured, become more patient, worked on my impulsive nature, become more cautious. But, somewhere, something's been missing.
This post is gonna be about 'me'. Just that. Its been a while since i thought of those 2 letters. Those to 2 simple letters of the english alphabet that form a word that defines what I have probably been missing for a while now- 'me'. Thats it.
Strange how while am writing this, m finding solutions and answers to questions that have been bothering me for so long. I should have done this long ago, like a lot of other things infact.

I am not saying I am not myself, or I have lost myself. We all go through these phases, well atleast most of us do (apart from certain people who claim to be immune to it all- but more about that on dec 31st :P). Its just that, while I live each day and change the things I wanted to about myself, there is a little but very important part of me that got killed. This 'murder' if I may call it that, is not a supplement of the change- the change could have happened n the murder avoided, if I had just been a little more conscious. So moving beyond the drama, over melodramatic vocab and getting to the point- where has the child in me disappeared?

Someone once told me, "The thing that i really like about you, is that there is a child inside you that you refuse to let go of". Thats what I was proud about as well wasnt I?
So why did I let it go? Seems like i took whatver was given to me, at the cost of my very own self! I wanna feel like myself again! Not what I am to people but just what I am. I wanna get back that child within..its been sleeping for too long. I want to re-live the enthusiasm, its been dormat for too long. It feels like I am heading myself into what i dont want and i refuse to get up and take notice. But sub-consciously, I know am killing myself. Everyday.

I quoting "The Alchemist" the other day- "When you really want something, the whole world conspires to make you achieve it"
And then I can up with my own profound theory- "Everytime, I have not got what I wanted, it was because I had already accepted defeat in my head. Already thought of what it would be like if i dont get the object of my desire. Because I have already accepted this defeat in my mind, I actually faced it". So why dint I tell myself this previously?

I know what I want for the next 1 year. I am postive. I am sure. So why do i think wont get it?
There is only one way to get that what I want- be myself. Or do I really deserve it? Again the self inflected torture (more about that phenomenon in another post). So many thing sin my mind all the time...does anyone know how I can bring myself back?
Am very happy with the metamorphosis..but not at the cost of the excitement, the enthusiasm, the fun, the childishness that was me. Or maybe, in some dormant corner, still is.

Who am I?
what defines "me"?
I always said to people- "if you want to achieve something, especially in this organization, just be yourself- thats the key to most of the self imposed locks we fail to break ourselves free from."
So why I am finding it so difficult to do all that myself?

Since when did I have to "try" to be myself?
Maybe since the time i forgot what "me" really was.

*sarcastic smile*
*raises eyebrow again*

Now that I really want something again, am I going to break myself free from all this and go ahead and get it, like I have always done for 18 years of my life?
Or
Am I going to continue to facilitate this process of self destruction, torture, pain and that unavoidable feeling of emptiness, that hollowness thats become a part of me in the 19th year of my existence.

New questions, just when I couldnt find answers to the old ones.

~Riddhi

...

"Tell me you love me
Come back and hold me
I wanna rush to the start."
~Coldplay 'The Scientist'

This thing called life

You hold a person by his neck.
Shut his mouth so he cant speak.
Hold his nose so he cant breathe,
And then, you take a step back,
Smile and say "SCREAM!"

Its not once that I have felt the above lines (self written) describe my life. And a lot of times, the lives of some people around me as well. And while all this happens, I just have one question- "Is there an end?"

~Riddhi

.......

"Let the rain fall,
I dont care!
I am yours
And Suddenly your mine!"
;)
~ Aqualung- Brighter than sunshine~

...

"Close your eyes,
Listen to my voice,
Its my disguise
I'm by your side"

~ Plain white T's -'Hey There Delilah'

?

"Do I love you because you are beautiful or are you beautiful because I love you?
Am I making believe I see in you, a woman to perfect to be really true?
Do I want you because you are wonderful or are you wonderful because I want you?
Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream or are you really as beautiful as you seem?"

- Oscar Hammerstein

Its strange how i had shut the computer to go bed.
its 3 42 AM.
Instead, the thing i seemed to be dreading the most these days happened.
The inevitable outburst.
So I came back to write this piece.
My computer decided to show off its mood swings and I had to restart the computer 7 times until it finally worked. And strangely, yet again i actually went through the effort of restarting this computer again n again at 3 42 AM just because i knew it was high time I write this.

There are times in your life, when you feel low but then again these are just phases and the low phase is usually followed by happier one.
But amongst these gazillion different phases of my life, what has remained with me is that side of me that is so horribly dependant on the people I trust- the side of me burried deep down somewhere shown to very few people because its just so bloody vulnerable.
That side of me that always got hurt but refused to leave me.
The side of me I wish I could control.
And through all these phases, its this side of me that i like to keep protected, burried, secure. Its this side of me that I wish noone could intrude. Its this side of me that I have built a wall around.
And because this protected side is a very important part of what makes me "me", the people who do see it are the ones who truly know me. Thats the bloosy root cause of all problems.

I think I am at this stage in my life where this side of me has been hurt so much, its becoming increasingly difficult to handle.
Everybody I seemed to have trusted (excluding of course my blood ties) have hurt me. Its like this side has ben exposed to the wrong people. The intruders saw this side of me, understood it, used and abused it only to leave me feeling helpless, foolish, naive and absolutely pathetic.
Its like everyone I believed in has been a lie, a cheat and those ridculous other things.
While I am writing this down, I dont believe how amazingly negative I can sound but it seems like this had to come out. And am just glad that day is today. And am just glad its ou this way and no other.
Its like one of those times when you just wonder why that stupid dumb vulernable side of you exists- the one that gets attached to people, the one that starts believing in them, the one that trusts them, the one that begins to trust them blindly until it gets used up and thrown ..yet again..

I know I have walled myself up too much. I know I have hid the vulnerable side so deep down that it would take ages for the intruders to even discover its existence. Neverthless is still exists and gets hurt. The hurt just gets camoflouged much better. I do not know if its a good thing to keep so much inside me. Is it better to just vent it out and free myself of this turmoil?

You really wouldnt know all these things are going on inside me. Because that is me. I just would never show it or never intentionally atleast. But these things are and I hate that.

I just want to thank all those I trusted... thank you for intruding, using and leaving me hurt. All of this has done one thing for sure. I have learnt my lesson. I have walled myself up. Its like I really dont know if I ever will let my guard down again. I have walled myself up so much that it scares me because I do not know what will happen when that wall will break. But atleast until then, I am safe.

Ironically, these realizations, this outburst comes after 3 of the most amazing days this year..3 days of pure fun, meeting friends...gazillion people.
Maybe because these 3 days made me realize that I have lost that connect I had to almost everybdy. There isnt one goddarn person I am trusting ever again. Not one damn person whose gonna see the burried side of me.

And things r good. I mean life is good..everything is right on track.. I am even happy..mostly atleast. Its just this stupid side that keeps bugging me...and today I had to let it talk.

This post is unlike any post I have written.
Its minus the usual drama, sarcasm and vocab.
Its just that burried side of me talking for the first time. That side telling the rest of me that its much a part of making me what I am as much as the rest.
That side of me wanting to come out, let go. That side of me am now putting back behind walls.
The walls are tighter now, bigger, stronger and theres no bloody person breaking them again

The sad part is, inspite of whatver I have been saying and despite being firm on my decision to wall myself up, there is this void inside which is eating me with every passing second.

~Riddhi