Friday, July 24, 2009

Not so numb

It strikes again.
That feeling you get before you hit rock bottom.
Its a funny phrase isnt it- 'rock bottom'?
You think you have hit it only to realize there is a new low out there for you to hit again.
But am getting that feeling, the one i get before i hit the first rock bottom.
Its not the best feeling to live with.

Confusion galore. Too much of it. I hate the fact that confusion is a good adjective to define my life. I hate it, but i cannot deny it.

Current State of Mind-
Annoyed, homesick, deprived of personal space, lonely (and actually admitting it- thats something), people- too many of them and yet no one, irritated and irritable (easily), too much to do and nothing that i wish to.

Current Attitude-
Irritable, witty, silly, loud (not the things i really should be loud about though), laughy (for no apparent reason), procastinating (until i really wouldnt have an option but to do), weirded out.

The city is just rushing past me. Maybe i need to go for a walk. Alone.
I like this city, I know its more than a year for me over here. But its lonely and not in an alone way. In a way where you feel deprived of your personal space. I need that alone walk. Music, trees and me. For once just me. And the smell of the sea. Ah water! Ikky wikky bikki. blah!

And of course, the hurt again. Yet another memory I want to erase from my life. Cut myself off again. Now its all just funny. I think its what i want in life. how do I land up in such situations againa and again and again? trust issues it is. I am feeling that feeling again - having people who demand a lot of me, sometimes all of me, only to leave me with nothing, not even warmth.
I want something back- only I do not know what it is.

Such a morbid post! speaks sadness all through!
All this when I would actually describe myself as happy.
I miss simplicity. I really do.


Sneha Muralidharan said...

Confusion! ugh its definitely an important adjective in my life too unfortunately!:(
you seem to be experiencing a tumult of emotions!well guess that happens with a new city, new life!

riddhi said...

@Sneha- and its not the best thing to deal with believe me :(

Anonymous said...

dear daughter! flown out of the nest with your wings, I like that! your self analysis gives you the strength to survive the oddest!!!

love you