Pages

Friday, July 24, 2009

Not so numb


It strikes again.
That feeling you get before you hit rock bottom.
Its a funny phrase isnt it- 'rock bottom'?
You think you have hit it only to realize there is a new low out there for you to hit again.
But am getting that feeling, the one i get before i hit the first rock bottom.
Its not the best feeling to live with.
-------------------------------------------------

Confusion galore. Too much of it. I hate the fact that confusion is a good adjective to define my life. I hate it, but i cannot deny it.
------------------------------------------------

Current State of Mind-
Annoyed, homesick, deprived of personal space, lonely (and actually admitting it- thats something), people- too many of them and yet no one, irritated and irritable (easily), too much to do and nothing that i wish to.
-------------------------------------------------

Current Attitude-
Irritable, witty, silly, loud (not the things i really should be loud about though), laughy (for no apparent reason), procastinating (until i really wouldnt have an option but to do), weirded out.
-------------------------------------------------

The city is just rushing past me. Maybe i need to go for a walk. Alone.
I like this city, I know its more than a year for me over here. But its lonely and not in an alone way. In a way where you feel deprived of your personal space. I need that alone walk. Music, trees and me. For once just me. And the smell of the sea. Ah water! Ikky wikky bikki. blah!
--------------------------------------------------

And of course, the hurt again. Yet another memory I want to erase from my life. Cut myself off again. Now its all just funny. I think its what i want in life. how do I land up in such situations againa and again and again? trust issues it is. I am feeling that feeling again - having people who demand a lot of me, sometimes all of me, only to leave me with nothing, not even warmth.
I want something back- only I do not know what it is.
----------------------------------------------------

*Afterthought-
Such a morbid post! speaks sadness all through!
All this when I would actually describe myself as happy.
I miss simplicity. I really do.

3 comments:

Sneha Muralidharan said...

Confusion! ugh its definitely an important adjective in my life too unfortunately!:(
you seem to be experiencing a tumult of emotions!well guess that happens with a new city, new life!

riddhi said...

@Sneha- and its not the best thing to deal with believe me :(

Anonymous said...

dear daughter! flown out of the nest with your wings, I like that! your self analysis gives you the strength to survive the oddest!!!

love you

mama