Friday, May 9, 2008

Its strange how i had shut the computer to go bed.
its 3 42 AM.
Instead, the thing i seemed to be dreading the most these days happened.
The inevitable outburst.
So I came back to write this piece.
My computer decided to show off its mood swings and I had to restart the computer 7 times until it finally worked. And strangely, yet again i actually went through the effort of restarting this computer again n again at 3 42 AM just because i knew it was high time I write this.

There are times in your life, when you feel low but then again these are just phases and the low phase is usually followed by happier one.
But amongst these gazillion different phases of my life, what has remained with me is that side of me that is so horribly dependant on the people I trust- the side of me burried deep down somewhere shown to very few people because its just so bloody vulnerable.
That side of me that always got hurt but refused to leave me.
The side of me I wish I could control.
And through all these phases, its this side of me that i like to keep protected, burried, secure. Its this side of me that I wish noone could intrude. Its this side of me that I have built a wall around.
And because this protected side is a very important part of what makes me "me", the people who do see it are the ones who truly know me. Thats the bloosy root cause of all problems.

I think I am at this stage in my life where this side of me has been hurt so much, its becoming increasingly difficult to handle.
Everybody I seemed to have trusted (excluding of course my blood ties) have hurt me. Its like this side has ben exposed to the wrong people. The intruders saw this side of me, understood it, used and abused it only to leave me feeling helpless, foolish, naive and absolutely pathetic.
Its like everyone I believed in has been a lie, a cheat and those ridculous other things.
While I am writing this down, I dont believe how amazingly negative I can sound but it seems like this had to come out. And am just glad that day is today. And am just glad its ou this way and no other.
Its like one of those times when you just wonder why that stupid dumb vulernable side of you exists- the one that gets attached to people, the one that starts believing in them, the one that trusts them, the one that begins to trust them blindly until it gets used up and thrown ..yet again..

I know I have walled myself up too much. I know I have hid the vulnerable side so deep down that it would take ages for the intruders to even discover its existence. Neverthless is still exists and gets hurt. The hurt just gets camoflouged much better. I do not know if its a good thing to keep so much inside me. Is it better to just vent it out and free myself of this turmoil?

You really wouldnt know all these things are going on inside me. Because that is me. I just would never show it or never intentionally atleast. But these things are and I hate that.

I just want to thank all those I trusted... thank you for intruding, using and leaving me hurt. All of this has done one thing for sure. I have learnt my lesson. I have walled myself up. Its like I really dont know if I ever will let my guard down again. I have walled myself up so much that it scares me because I do not know what will happen when that wall will break. But atleast until then, I am safe.

Ironically, these realizations, this outburst comes after 3 of the most amazing days this year..3 days of pure fun, meeting friends...gazillion people.
Maybe because these 3 days made me realize that I have lost that connect I had to almost everybdy. There isnt one goddarn person I am trusting ever again. Not one damn person whose gonna see the burried side of me.

And things r good. I mean life is good..everything is right on track.. I am even happy..mostly atleast. Its just this stupid side that keeps bugging me...and today I had to let it talk.

This post is unlike any post I have written.
Its minus the usual drama, sarcasm and vocab.
Its just that burried side of me talking for the first time. That side telling the rest of me that its much a part of making me what I am as much as the rest.
That side of me wanting to come out, let go. That side of me am now putting back behind walls.
The walls are tighter now, bigger, stronger and theres no bloody person breaking them again

The sad part is, inspite of whatver I have been saying and despite being firm on my decision to wall myself up, there is this void inside which is eating me with every passing second.