Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Different people, different perspectives. Strangely or rather not so strangely enough, my blog, according to a lot of people is not necessarily a reflection of my personality. I call it a perfect reflection of my thoughts though. The deepest darkest, strangest, randomest (self invented word..consequence of an utterly deteriorated vocab!) , funniest ,weirdest and in all probability most morbid thoughts that equip my mind, trap my imagination (or maybe enhance it, depends how u look at it!) and the ones that undoubtedly, i dont like an audience to share with.

Its rather iroinic isnt it? how i would probably never talk about these poems, or the fiction am so proud of, in person. I do, undoubtedly, resort to blogging only when am in the worst of moods and this is ,well, the best way to vent it all out. So, there i am presenting in the subtlest of manner, concealed in third person, an iota of reality mixed with an imagination run wild to a gazillions of pople, people i dont know, on the internet. Maybe thats it. Maybe the fact that i do not know the people who are readin this is what makes this a safe refuge. Maybe thats why, until some time back, the people around me did not even know i blog!

I like to shock people. i do not know why but i just do. Maybe its to do with the fact that am aquarius. Maybe its just because of the element of fun in it. The comments i get after poeple read my blog, in the weirdest of way, make me smile so much! Reactions like "You WROTE all that??" , more than often its "YOU wrote all that??" , "how much do you think?" "are you lonely?"
and the award goes to..."do you miss someone in your life? You seem like a lonely depressed girl!"

ha ha ha !!

Well, nothing is as it seems to be, noone is as they seem to be! We all know that. Strangely though, we always let it come like a jolt from reality to us!

I really have tried maintaining journals, but gosh! are they a tedious task for a lazy soul like mine or what!

Am passionate about writing, but i like writing only for myself. Maybe thats just it.
I can talk for an audience. I love audience. i love entertaining.
But my blog, my page has to be about me and more importantly, for me.

Well, if you have actually reached the end of this post, am to darn proud of you! lol..

darn! 12 25 and am gettin a food craving again.. chocolate fantasy... hmm.. drool

25th Jan, 2007, 12 30 A.M.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


I clench my fists as you come closer
My fingernails dig through my palm
My body stiffens, my breath gets deeper
I let out a sigh,
As the tip of your finger touches the curve of my arm.
I feel the blood ooze out of my palm
You stand there before me,
With a gleam in your eyes
and a smile on your face
And i wonder when it will be all mine, that gaze.
Your smile deepens
And so does my breath.
You think you know whats on my mind
I wonder how you could be so blind
You remove your finger
But hold me with your gaze
I feel the warmth of your breath
Shut my eyes,
wonder at length,
what hurt more, my blood or you?
A chill runs through my spine,

As i realize you never will be mine.
I open my eyes.
You grab one arm
and bend the other
I gasp as you come closer
I smile at your face, smile at your eyes, smile at your smile,
Smile at the arm that's grabbed me
Gaze at the free arm with the dagger
You pierce my flesh.
More blood.
My scream
Your tears.
Your smile disappears
Unlike my tears.
My vision fades
As i smile again
and slip away....
numb to all the pain.

18th January, 2007, 12 50 A.M.

Thursday, January 4, 2007

mas alla del horizonte

Julian climbed up that familiar staircase , reached the top, searched through her pockets to find the keys and opened the lock to the terrace. she walked past many a pots of various types of plants, to the railing at the end, her favourite corner of the terrace - where she would often come just for the view. She looked beyond. From that fantastic place on top of the building, she looked beyond. She saw the sky, she saw the ground, she saw the shrubs, the greenery and aahh.. the pool.

From where she stood, she looked down her right to see the pool, at this perfect time of the evening, shadowed by trees and the red-blue sky, fresh from the sunset. The heavenly silence was accompanied by the constant continuous sound of the wavlets created by those practised swimmers. As julian looked into the depths of the water and then looked beyond at the greenery around the pool, she couldnt help but smile. She wondered why the smile wont go. She must appear to be quite a lunatic to an onlooker, but, there was of course, not another soul presesnt except herself. This enviornment brought with it a sudden rush of memory. She remembered, she recollected, she thought, she dreamt, she wondered, she stared and she continued smiling. And then, suddenly from some corner of her eye, she felt the semblance of a tear trying to escape. Before her hand could reach her face to wipe it, her eyes well up and she cried silently but uncontrollably. She continued smiling. She pondered over the oddity of the situation.Her smile grew wider and her tears fiercer but more silent. At this fantastic place, overlooking the most beautiful vision she could wish for, she stood spellbound by the chastity of the situation and the strange aura she was unable to comprehend. She continued to think, to dream, to remember, to recollect, to smile, to cry. But as she started at the pure beauty around her, she looked beyond, beyond the herself, beyond her past, beyond her future, beyond time, beyond the horizon..... mas alla del horizonte...


Set me free!

set me free...
so i can fly with no wings
so i can breathe with no air
set me free
so i can let it out
set me free
so i can scream n shout
set me free
dont tame me
dont hold me
let me go
why do u treat me so?
no u cant control me
no u cant hold me
set me free
so i can breathe with no air
so i can fly with no wings
set me free
so i can laugh
so i can cry
so i can let out the emotions
i have been holdin for so long
set me free
so i can sing my own song
so i can learn n unlearn
so i can live like am alive
so that in the depths i can dive
set me free
so that i can go high
n higher n higher
set me free
so i can be me
set me free
for me.....
set me free....
there aint no second thoughts..
i wana untie all these mindless knots
these shackes that bind me
i want you to set me free...
set me free..
so i can fly with no wings...
so i can breathe with no air..


Lookin through her drawer..

well this is summin i wrote before my economics Board paper.. it has no beginin and end as yet.. stil workin on that but i jus thot i'd put this up....

oh yes those memories were so dear,
she realized as she held a tear,
so she dug further into her drawer,
while in the emty darkness she shivered
along the meadows they'd play forever
and life just seemed like a little prayer
for there he was with a blossom for her
and she'd laugh and put it behind her ear
and they'd walk along together
defying the odds of the weather
oh yes , did it hurt to think,
about how she had lost that common link
so dear he had been to her
if only she had realized it earlier
for childhood was a luxury indeed
when you dint really realize what you did need
a "friend" was somebody everybody had
and there was no reason to value what you did have
and then she found what she was looking for
a picture of them on the shore
staring at those giant waves
wondering how they'd get so near
and nostalgia brought with itself a gush of fear
these voices of the past she did not want to hear
she wondered though if he could hear
the voices of these memories she held so dear
or was it just in her mind
an illusion of a kind?
and then another gush of memory
overwhelming feelings of which she was weary
yes, there had been silence too
because it did what words cannot do
it was a strange tranquility,
a peculiar satisfaction
and never had she realized then
that all of it would come to an end
for childhood was a luxury indeed
when u did not realize whom you did need
and they'd play along.....
sing that happy song.........

March 20, 2006

This constant struggle called life.

" Most people are other people. Their thoughts someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
- oscar wilde

In this constant struggle called life,
we try, we fall, we get up and we try again.
We look around us,
only to realize not everybody thinks the way we do.
Everything seems to contradict us,
and so does everybody.
So, we try to adjust.
Try to revive those "learn to adjust to others needs" lessons we were taught all our childhood.
We try think the way they do,
try to adjust to their needs,
try to stop being different,
endeavour to erase our individuality,
try to understand society
the society, that comprises of many more like us.
many more who endeavour to fit in,
many more who try to think the way we do.
we try to live the life they want us to,
in this constant struggle against ourselves
and in the process we die each passing moment.


Beyond Herself:: what lead to suicide..

Sharon screamed as she shut the door and locked herself up in in the attic. She screamed louder and slipped of the wall , dropped to the floor and yelled. she yelled louder as warm tears rolled down her cheeks and she wondered why this was happening to her. she wondered what she had ever done to deserve this? amidst the tears and the sweat she repeated that silent prayer, those oft repeated yet seldom heard, words. she had to get away.she stopped yelling, but she let the tears roll. she needed to let it out. let it out for once and then say goodbye. goodbye to all the fear, the anxiety, the trauma, the holding back.. she needed to let it out and live!live in bliss with that, that was most dear to her- pain.

She got up from the floor, walked up to the old trunk n opened the last drawer, all at once her mind cringed with doubt, but she blocked all such thoughts and amidst those tears n that sweat she looked for her get-away. she messed around the drawer and dug deeper to find what she was loooking for. aahhhh!1 finally!after holding on for so long. she was finaly going to let go of al that negativity tht had been aching her for almost ages now. she tore open the packet and slipped some pills into her hand. the tears rolled down her cheek onto her palm and wet the pills. she rubbed them against her palm and curled her fingers around them.

she opened the latch, led her way down the stairs. her feet skid twice but she managed not to slip. she went through her bedroom into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water.
she wasnt thinking, she was escaping, she knew it. but did it really matter? she blocked all those doubts, all that uncertainity that seemed to crop up from nowhere, just outa the blue. yes, she was getting away. she was letting go of the negativity. she popped the pills into her mouth and drank the entire bottle of water.
yess she was getting away. she let another tear roll down her cheek down to her clothing ,it was going to b her last after all..... she breathed.. she sighed.. she shed those silent tears.. as she slippd away... slipped away into the pain.the pain beyond all pleasure. she collapsed on the floor as she waited for the pain to take over her senses and show her how to live.


Contradicting Illusions...

Am over it now,
am out of the phase,
i live no more in that daze,
when life seemed tough, i held on,
for i knew not wat was causing the pain,
well.. so i let go now
and i hand over the reigns
not to thee
nor to me
i hand over the reigns to destiny
to take life in its stride
to let go
those unsaid emotions
those pinching thoughts
times when i just wont break those knots
am over them now
for am out of the phase
am over the anger
am over the pain
but wat remains is bitter contempt
for all those times i never slept
over something so futile indeed
that my own life i did not lead
but am over it now
am outa the phase
i have learnt to let go
i see it now
that iluminated path that destiny shows
i'l give life a shot
i'l give it its due
i'l hear the breeze ruslte
i'l feel the hue
i'll hear the waves whisper
i'l dance to their tunes
i'l feel the chill
i'l feel the heat
all that had indeed become rare
but whats weird is, i still care
i'l get over that
i promise myself
because all that remains is bitter contempt
for am over it now
am out of that phase
i have learnt to let go
n follow the path that someone up there shows

June06, 2006

In the pool!

With that blissfull thought of beatin the scorching heat (45 degrees??? soon we wont need the gas stove to cook!),i stepped in the good ol club premises. ha! so those club fools had finally got a brain to open the pool! and man had nothing changed or wat! went to the changing room, changd into the swimsuit ,wore that dreadful swimming cap and those awful alienish goggles (i fail to understand why we hav to look lik some outlandish morons when we step into the pool!), took a shower and finally jumped into the pool with an ahem... not so funny splash ( yea it made heads turn, ppl wondered y i was so excited! now need i xplain that?)
aaaahhh! the cool water all around you..... pure bliss!!! its jus the thing you need after jus another ordinary day with that smae ol routine.....
but that is not the point. the point is the annyoying ppl around you. ok so i sound downright opinionated.. but what the heck! well so here is a brief description of those weird losers i hav been seein for lik 6 yrs now... but nope i dono even one of em (ahem..... with a lot of thought i have categorically listed the pool ppl or wateva they r supposd to b called..... y am i doin this?? am jus as clueless as you!)

STUPID KIDS: ok so the title is anything but original but.. hey i tell you the english language hasnt discovered enough synonyms for the word irritating.....
well atleas not enough to describe these buncha ppl..
so they r lik wat aged 4 to 8, usually stay around the 4 ft area... but some rather adventurous ( and even more annoyin) sorts pretnd to dive around the 12 ft area (yea, pretend.. u don really call jumpin n splashin all the darn water around divin!)
and they these guys think they r brilliant swimmers.. like naturals or summin...
so they go around splashin water lik thats wat u come to the pool for!!!????
they totally ruin your lengths.. go around pushin you.. play that with some dumb ball
n do not gte out when they r supposd to!! aarrrggghhh!!

AUNTIES (LADIEZZZ LOG): ok now these r the epitome of optimism..... they r your regular aunites ( am talkin bout the ones in the pool not the ones who come to support their kids by sittin outside n gossiipin bout evry tom dick harry ) .. hmm so gettin bak...
these aunties wear those frockish swimsuits.. tryin in vain to hide that oh- so- emabarrasin cellulite! so they get in.. splashin outa lik half the water.. ahem.. its not intentional though! well and ironically, most of em don even no swimmin.... so jus imagine the scenario..... fat ol women splashin water n gettin breathless in lik 4 ft!!???

HOT STUD TYPES ( ya rite stud!!! rather... ISSSHHHHHTUDS!!1)
so here is my man....... ok these guys think they have THE body to show off.. even though in my opinion.... uuuggggghhhhh!!! so they lik keep lukin round.... lik thats the sole aim of their existence..n well there is nothin more to em...

IRRITATIN ANNYOYIN PINK GURLS: yea the titles pretty amteur, but then thats what they are.. gigling silly dumb chix.. with peanut sized brains! well.. so they sorta dress well but thats al they care about.. lik absolutely no substance! ( after this article... am sure ppl r gna doubt my substance too but what the heck!) and surprisingly enuf they swim lik really well, eat lik even more... but manage to maintain that hourglass figure ( no am not envious am jus really annoyed today!)

UNCLEJIISSSS: well they usually come in at nite.. but they r ur typical pot-bellied uncles who come in to burn their exaustion after a day of hard work.. rnt really too mcuh of a pain.. excpt when it comes to blokin ur way.......

well so here i am now reachin the end..... their other types os losers!! i shud rite a book on this... well u never no mayb some day......

May 11, 2006

I Fear...

its strange
n i feel wrath
i feel anger
i feel hurt
i feel pain
yea, i try to hide it by being vain
n i wana trust...
i wana trust you
but i fear...
yes i fear...
i know u don believe that dear,
but i fear
for i hav lost all that i posessd
so what if i were obsessd?
it was an illusion..
that i lived by
day n day
nite n nite
as i refused to say good bye
to that which never was mine
to them who were never mine
i refused to let go
i jus held on....
to them who were not mine....
so i fear..
yes my dear..
i do fear.. to hold on to u
to rest upon u
i fear to lose you
because wen i trust u..
i want to posess you
i want to belong to you
n i'll fail to let go
i fear to trust you.. coz i fear to lose u
n it is not lik me to fear
thats what u'd al say
but nay... the truth is nowhere near
because yes, i have my own fears
the ones that get hidden behind empty tears
and i fear to lose you
for its better to have never trusted to you
its better to never held on to u
for i do not want to let go....
i do not want to lose you...
i fear, dear.. i fear...
i fear....

May 09, 2006

I Walk Alone...

the world rushes by
pushing me aside
as i walk alone
tread the only path i've ever known
the lonely path, more so
i wander amidst them
yet not with them
each one to his own, they say
so i traverse the path untravelled
yet the path so familiar to me
the path i've always known
the lonely path, more so
with each new breath i inhale the emptiness aching my heart
the emptiness thats been ailing me for so long
a hollow inside my heart there is
what is it that aches me so much?
what is it that causes this pain?
for the first time, my memory goes plain
am at a loss for words, no doubt
so i look for help around
look for comfort
for solace and peace
but all i find is the world so oblivious to me
leaving me alone at my own pace
i call for help
yearn for support
look around to find a friend
but nobody has ear to lend
so.. i walk alone
tread the only path i've ever known
the lonely path, more so
with a pain inside me
and a bleeding heart
i try to wipe my fears
try to look beyond my tears
the world rushes by
pushin me aside
am amongst them
yet not with them
a lonely tear escapes my eye
as i bat my eyelids to swallow my pain
i realize that in this world .. its just me, myself, i