Friday, April 27, 2012

Et Two

Two of them,
and an awkward silence
Noises in the head
How the truth the bled.

Two of them,
catching their breath
Afraid of the reality
that lay ahead.

Two of them,
staring into space
remembering the lie,
the tight embrace.

Two of them,
lined up in thought
waiting for the other
to talk.

Two of them,
denying what was
dreading what will be
stuck in what is.

Two of them,
in limbo
One shied away
The other lost.


Saturday, April 21, 2012

Inertia and what it brings

I'm restless in a very strange way. Restless for change, restless to change. But all this while comfortable with this disconcerting inertia that has become a routine now. It's inertia and it's disconcerting. And I've become comfortable in it. There are so many bundles of contradiction I'm surrounded by right now and this is just one of them.

No, I'm now wallowing in self pity or telling everyone life sucks. I'm just evaluating and organizing and then re-evaluating.

I want to shut myself up. Actually I've already done that. Shut myself up in the comfort of my living room and some mindless television and when the thoughts become too many to contain, I begin to write.

But it all seems very purposeless lately- the writing, the thinking, the going crazy.

I know these moments of wanting to be a social recluse are common and happen to most of us. But what I'm not prepared to handle is the situation when the moments reach a frequency that makes them a phase and the phase reaches  enough consistency to become a routine. A routine you badly want out of but can't seem to find a way out.



Sunday, April 15, 2012

Love Myths

I do love cheesy movies. I have cried in some really corny ones. But I WILL NOT allow them to ruin this generation of ours. So if you don't already know this, you're well, ridiculously unreal. If you know this and have been living in denial, I hope this is a slap on that denial's face. Just kidding, I'm bored and I think am funny. 
So laugh. Not that I'll know if you don't. Not that I'll care if I know you didn't. 

We don't live next to Jane Austen anymore. But as the language in Hollywood movies becomes more real, the notion of love seems to move backward. Of course, they sleep with people on first dates now-a-days, but they do that while believing in Prince Charming and an ugly white horse. So here's a list of things that don't happen in reality and the kind of frogs who'll only look uglier after you've kissed them:

  1. When you share a cab myth: Remember that scene when she stops a cab and as she sits inside it, a really hot guy opens the other door and sits inside. This is not a scene from a particular movie. It's there in so many, you're bound to remember it. Well, they fight and then exchange numbers and the rest as we'd like to believe is history. In reality, the person who tries to steal your cab is a middle-aged, pot bellied man with a mustache and a lecherous glance. He'll gladly exchange numbers, only if you wouldn't run out of the cab and vow to walk back home, if that would help never bumping into him again. Cab thieves are just that- cab thieves. 
  2. When you keep bumping into each other myth: You've seen it in the movies so you assume when you bump into a stranger for the second time, the universe is trying to tell you something. You gather a bunch of friends (girl friends, gay friends and not-out-of-the-closet-even-to-themselves gay friends) and tell them the story of  this co-incidence and you smile as they cheer you on and tell you it would make a great story. What really happens  is that you may bump into this person several times but never end up talking to him. Even better, you end up talking to him and realize he's married. Face it, the world's a small place. Everyone goes to new pubs/clubs/cafes that are the rage. Everyone goes to Goa. You're not the only person with plans. You're certainly not the only person he's bumped into several times. So smile politely but you'll get little more than a free drink out of him. 
  3. The jerk turns sappy myth: He's a jerk and so obviously you're in love with him. He's cheated on you, more so with your best friend. You've told him you're no door mat and he can't keep walking in and out of your life. So obviously, you're waiting with a baited breath for him to walk right back in, everytime he walks out on you. The wait is accompanied by repeat telecasts of your favourite shows, cheesecakes, wine and the eternal dream that when he's back this time, he'll prove the world wrong- he'll hold you and tell you he's sorry and he's woken up to how awesome you are. Sorry to break your little bubble there, but he's a jerk for a reason and he'll continue to be the same. People are wired a certain way and there's nothing you can do to change that. Do you stop crying over him? No right. Why then should he stop making you cry? Worse still, if he does watch the same movies as you and come back sappy, you'll hate him and run in the other direction. He won't be the guy (or the disgusting habit) you fell in love with.
  4. You'll go through the different people, only to end up with him myth: You broke up. So what? You'll find someone new. You found someone new? Oh yay, score! Things did not work out with someone new? Damn, you miss the old one again. Maybe, it was meant to be? Maybe he's thinking of you when he's kissing someone else too? Maybe, you'll go through all these different people only to realize you're 'made for each other'. Now that's a load of bull shit like no other. In the real world, you're actually just using people. The different people you're going through could be using you the same way. Not so romantic now, is it? More importantly, the different people may think you're meant to be with them, but they're not the ex'es you think you'll end up with. So you don't really end up where you started. You end up in a mesh of cross connected wires, guilt and a lot of drama. Nothing to write home about. Unless of course, you're me. 
  5. You were high school sweethearts turned college lovers turned spouses myth: In the real world, you're just so used to each other, you don't know what it would be without the other. It's like an investment you've made with every penny you have. It has the least amount of risk so you might as well stick with it. Someday when the markets are at an all time high, you'd want to invest somewhere else. You'll waver for that fleeting second and temptation will get the better of you. You're likely to cheat. But he'll take you back don't worry. Just remember, he's one up now and you'll have to take him back when he wavers too. Doesn't seem like such a love story now, does it? 
  6. Your best friend will eventually marry you myth: You've had a crush on him for years. He's the first boy you became friends with, the first boy you tried alcohol with, the first boy who taught you how to abuse. So what if he has a girlfriend? He'll eventually marry you. Umm..... if that really was the case, why exactly would he be with someone else? No, you dating someone else is not going to make him jealous. He'll only be happy for you and tease you. You vacationing in Bali is definitely not going to make him miss you and realize he's taken you for granted. He'll ask you to upload your pics on facebook so he can see Bali and plan his next vacation with his girlfriend. He sees you as a friend and unless you want to screw up a bond formed over many years, it's recommended you stick to being just that- the best friend he can share pizza with. 
  7. He's smart and well read and funny and witty and rich and cute. He makes you laugh and tells you, you look nice. He's gay. Remember the time he told you he loved your shoes? Or the time he warned you that your bag doesn't match your outfit? Or the time he went on about Jane Austen? What about the time he noticed your haircut and the colour of your eyeshadow? Yeah well, need I say more? 
The list shall continue. Write in your favourite bubble-breaking moments to pleasegetyourownblogit'sfree@i'llkillyouifyou'



I see you
Frowning in your head
Raising your eyebrow
and tightening your lips
Enough to make me cringe.

The life made over

My life needs a makeover.

Not a very original statement, you'd taunt me. Heck, that doesn't change the truth in it.

I don't mean a new fancy wardrobe (though am always open to donation of sexy shoes) or expensive lip gloss. I mean a lifestyle make over.

I'm supposed to tick many things off that checklist this year. That checklist in my head that I run through everyday- finalize on further study plans, lose weight, travel to Sikkim, publish my book etc.

But what my life needs is to operate in reverse gear for a while. Heck, forget reverse even standing still would help. I need lifestyle that involves no thought about the future. I need a lifestyle without planning.

I need a lifestyle with a lot more writing. I need a life of poetry.

So the moment, all these thoughts rushed to my head, I decided to act upon the urge to write them down. I also will keep just one thing on the checklist in mind- publish, beyond this push button publishing on

I'm 23 and tired of seeing the same dreams I did when I was 20. 3 years was enough time to get a grip and move on. Well, I promise to not make it 24.

Just one thought though- what after the life is made over? How long will I be thought free until I need a new makeover?

Can I be thought free at all?


Sunday, April 8, 2012

Longevity Measurement

It's been a while since I wrote something non-abstract. I really don't know why though and too lazy to delve into that. But yeah, this piece has been written in different persons. Not intentionally though. Just bad grammar.

There's something that's come back to haunt my nights and render them sleepless- a thought that I unabashedly play hide and seek with. Is it possible to relate to someone forever?

When the someone in consideration is love interest (or a potential one), I'm the first to point out that there's never a forever. Most people seem interesting in the beginning. Novelty can lead to curiosity and curiosity can be mistaken for attraction. Or maybe, novelty itself leads to attraction. But as we reach autumn, the trees don't seem to be so pretty after all. We're left with a familiarity that's a become habit and try to stick to the comfort zone, until the winter makes tolerance extremely difficult. Before, I'm labelled as cynical again, I will clarify that this is not the case with all romances- just a clinical analysis of why romance does not last forever, for all the times that it does not. But here's the thing- when the romance is over and you need to move on, you know that because the equation between the other person and yourself was so intense that you are going to need time off, that it's okay to not be 'friends' anymore and that familiar places, sounds, people will bring memories back. You move on for what's best for both and then you move on for yourself. You don't expect to continue to be a part of each others' life necessarily.

But what do you do when it's friendship that has lost it's elasticity? More often than not, we have a variety of friends and each one shares a special equation with us. What do you do when you stop relating to one or some of them? There's no fixed rule for a break up here. Besides, you may not even want to break up. It's just that there is awkwardness and a loss of conversation. The greatest friendship is that which comes out of companionable silence. But awkward silence is a different ball game altogether. Initially, it can be dealt with by going down the memory lane and laughing at the old jokes. How long can that go on for, though? The jokes become stale and un-funny and the memories become but a hurtful reminder of the closeness and comfort that was once shared. The worst part is that you can't relate to each other as people.

It's a tricky area, this. It's not a fight so there can be no definite end but status quo is just pinching. So I guess you just talk about the weather and laugh awkwardly knowing fully well that the other person is putting  up the same act as you. Not to forget hating having to put it up, maybe just as much as you do.


Someday, mad enough

With a little bit of courage
And an innocence sublime,
We can make it here, someday
We can dream all the time.

The hope we killed, ourselves.
The sleepless nights
The mind that worries itself silly,
Burning the midnight oil.

A generation spoilt for choice
Hunting madness, madness divine.
The anxious mind, the nervous heart,
Biting nails, afraid to start.

Someday, soon enough,
Someday, mad enough,
One day, someday won't matter
The question is- are you mad enough?