Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
*Riddhi smiles, nods, forgets*
You were right. I did realize. Just a little late.
In another conversation-
A to Riddhi- People use u as a scapegoat.
*Riddhi smiles, nods, forgets*
You were right again.
- Learn salsa
- Spend the night on a beach
- Write a book
- Join Politics
- Stop biting my nails
- Become size 8
- One real slow dance
- Go to Venice
- AIESEC traineeship
- Start my own enterprise
- Impact rural education system and scope
- Adopt a child
- Change mindsets
- Cause a revolution
- Script and direct my own play
- Cry for a really long time -not alone though
- Scream from atop a mountain or a reallyyyy tall building.
- Buy a house near a beach
- Make a difference to my country
- Fix the sour ended relationships
- Live alone for a year
- Let go of hatred
- The perfect kiss
- Go clubbing with mum
- Live in Spain or Latin America
- Be hugged tightly, strongly, caringly, perfectly
In the dark
with my head burried in my pillow
before the pain swims to my head
and I can do nothing but sleep
"Would you cry a little
Lie just a little
pretend that your feeling a little more pain?"
- Faith Hill ~"Cry"
Thursday, November 13, 2008
You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Living an urestricted life clears the mind like nothing else.
Why impose so many barriers and limits to oneself when theres no need for them..not the least?
I feel free, unrestricted, unconstrained
Life is simple, lets just live it that way.
P.S.-I cant stop similing.
P.P.S.- I am glad I made my decision ;)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now"
- The Verve (bittersweet symphony)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Theres so much love inside me I want to share with all for am afraid it will rot.
Theres so much anger in me, I want to express for am afraid it might engulf who I am.
Theres so much care inside me I want to let out for am afraid, you'l stop needing it soon.
Theres so much hatred inside me, I want to destroy for am afraid it might kill....me.
I dont want to be the extraordinary
I just want to be myself.
Thats where it always starts and thats where it always ends. Why do I think so much when I cant change the fact that I am indeed myself. I just choose to not accept what I dislike about me.
"Am a million different people from one day to the next
I cant change my mind...."
- The Verve (Bittersweet Symphony)
So clap..for your about to have an insight into the most candid thoughts of this confusing mind :P
- I hate everything about you. Its not what you say or do to me but just who you are. It surprises me, confuses me and at the same time makes me know you really well. I dont hate you because i dont understand you, I hate you because I know you well enough. But believe me, you will also find very few people for years who will care about u as much as I do.
- Thank you for using me. You make me want to wish I never knew you. Or actually, you make me question the fact that I ever knew you. I was with you not because I understood you but because I just never Knew you.
- Dont irritate me. I really do get irritated. I just hide it well :)
- Yea, I have blocked myself. So stop trying to break me down. Yes, I do break down. No, you will never see it.
- I wish you would just give me a chance.
- I wish I had given you a chance.
- You made me lose respect in not only you but in the very emotion.
- The problem never was how much I liked you, the problem just was that I listened to you. I let u in my sacred space without realizing you wouldnt even value it.
- I never meant to hurt you.
- You know what you make feel like- used abused and thrown away. Thank you. :)
Sometimes I wish I could actually go upto each of these individuals and tell them this.. Knowing me, I probably even will ;)
Promise to post their reactions up here..with the drama (can i ever do without it? :P). Should make an interesting reading
Thats all for Now Folks! ;)
Friday, October 17, 2008
Its been even longer since I wrote something I could associate with.
As I write this, I remember the times, I would be proud of my posts and sometimes even surprised at how the product of my thoughts shapes up to be.
It has indeed been one heck of a year- experienced some phenomenal moments. Atleast on December 31st, Il know what its like to experience a million emotions in one single moment (ok not million but enough to make it feel like a million). Wait for a more detailed post on this one when the year actually ends. Like I always say "I'l tell you on Dec 31st".
So while the actual instances and experiences that contribute as reasons for this post, will be mentioned only on that eventful day, when I complete one of the most memorable years of my life, I do feel the need to write about the repercussions of the very same instances.
Just sitting right now and reflecting back on how different this year has been from the other 18 ones I have lived, made me realize that maybe somehow, unknowingly, I have killed a part of me everyday of this year. I have changed immensely in a lot of ways and there is a certain sense of pride associated with it. For, I have grown, matured, become more patient, worked on my impulsive nature, become more cautious. But, somewhere, something's been missing.
This post is gonna be about 'me'. Just that. Its been a while since i thought of those 2 letters. Those to 2 simple letters of the english alphabet that form a word that defines what I have probably been missing for a while now- 'me'. Thats it.
Strange how while am writing this, m finding solutions and answers to questions that have been bothering me for so long. I should have done this long ago, like a lot of other things infact.
I am not saying I am not myself, or I have lost myself. We all go through these phases, well atleast most of us do (apart from certain people who claim to be immune to it all- but more about that on dec 31st :P). Its just that, while I live each day and change the things I wanted to about myself, there is a little but very important part of me that got killed. This 'murder' if I may call it that, is not a supplement of the change- the change could have happened n the murder avoided, if I had just been a little more conscious. So moving beyond the drama, over melodramatic vocab and getting to the point- where has the child in me disappeared?
Someone once told me, "The thing that i really like about you, is that there is a child inside you that you refuse to let go of". Thats what I was proud about as well wasnt I?
So why did I let it go? Seems like i took whatver was given to me, at the cost of my very own self! I wanna feel like myself again! Not what I am to people but just what I am. I wanna get back that child within..its been sleeping for too long. I want to re-live the enthusiasm, its been dormat for too long. It feels like I am heading myself into what i dont want and i refuse to get up and take notice. But sub-consciously, I know am killing myself. Everyday.
I quoting "The Alchemist" the other day- "When you really want something, the whole world conspires to make you achieve it"
And then I can up with my own profound theory- "Everytime, I have not got what I wanted, it was because I had already accepted defeat in my head. Already thought of what it would be like if i dont get the object of my desire. Because I have already accepted this defeat in my mind, I actually faced it". So why dint I tell myself this previously?
I know what I want for the next 1 year. I am postive. I am sure. So why do i think wont get it?
There is only one way to get that what I want- be myself. Or do I really deserve it? Again the self inflected torture (more about that phenomenon in another post). So many thing sin my mind all the time...does anyone know how I can bring myself back?
Am very happy with the metamorphosis..but not at the cost of the excitement, the enthusiasm, the fun, the childishness that was me. Or maybe, in some dormant corner, still is.
Who am I?
what defines "me"?
I always said to people- "if you want to achieve something, especially in this organization, just be yourself- thats the key to most of the self imposed locks we fail to break ourselves free from."
So why I am finding it so difficult to do all that myself?
Since when did I have to "try" to be myself?
Maybe since the time i forgot what "me" really was.
*raises eyebrow again*
Now that I really want something again, am I going to break myself free from all this and go ahead and get it, like I have always done for 18 years of my life?
Am I going to continue to facilitate this process of self destruction, torture, pain and that unavoidable feeling of emptiness, that hollowness thats become a part of me in the 19th year of my existence.
New questions, just when I couldnt find answers to the old ones.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Shut his mouth so he cant speak.
Hold his nose so he cant breathe,
And then, you take a step back,
Smile and say "SCREAM!"
Its not once that I have felt the above lines (self written) describe my life. And a lot of times, the lives of some people around me as well. And while all this happens, I just have one question- "Is there an end?"
Friday, July 11, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Am I making believe I see in you, a woman to perfect to be really true?
Do I want you because you are wonderful or are you wonderful because I want you?
Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream or are you really as beautiful as you seem?"
- Oscar Hammerstein
Friday, May 9, 2008
its 3 42 AM.
Instead, the thing i seemed to be dreading the most these days happened.
The inevitable outburst.
So I came back to write this piece.
My computer decided to show off its mood swings and I had to restart the computer 7 times until it finally worked. And strangely, yet again i actually went through the effort of restarting this computer again n again at 3 42 AM just because i knew it was high time I write this.
There are times in your life, when you feel low but then again these are just phases and the low phase is usually followed by happier one.
But amongst these gazillion different phases of my life, what has remained with me is that side of me that is so horribly dependant on the people I trust- the side of me burried deep down somewhere shown to very few people because its just so bloody vulnerable.
That side of me that always got hurt but refused to leave me.
The side of me I wish I could control.
And through all these phases, its this side of me that i like to keep protected, burried, secure. Its this side of me that I wish noone could intrude. Its this side of me that I have built a wall around.
And because this protected side is a very important part of what makes me "me", the people who do see it are the ones who truly know me. Thats the bloosy root cause of all problems.
I think I am at this stage in my life where this side of me has been hurt so much, its becoming increasingly difficult to handle.
Everybody I seemed to have trusted (excluding of course my blood ties) have hurt me. Its like this side has ben exposed to the wrong people. The intruders saw this side of me, understood it, used and abused it only to leave me feeling helpless, foolish, naive and absolutely pathetic.
Its like everyone I believed in has been a lie, a cheat and those ridculous other things.
While I am writing this down, I dont believe how amazingly negative I can sound but it seems like this had to come out. And am just glad that day is today. And am just glad its ou this way and no other.
Its like one of those times when you just wonder why that stupid dumb vulernable side of you exists- the one that gets attached to people, the one that starts believing in them, the one that trusts them, the one that begins to trust them blindly until it gets used up and thrown ..yet again..
I know I have walled myself up too much. I know I have hid the vulnerable side so deep down that it would take ages for the intruders to even discover its existence. Neverthless is still exists and gets hurt. The hurt just gets camoflouged much better. I do not know if its a good thing to keep so much inside me. Is it better to just vent it out and free myself of this turmoil?
You really wouldnt know all these things are going on inside me. Because that is me. I just would never show it or never intentionally atleast. But these things are and I hate that.
I just want to thank all those I trusted... thank you for intruding, using and leaving me hurt. All of this has done one thing for sure. I have learnt my lesson. I have walled myself up. Its like I really dont know if I ever will let my guard down again. I have walled myself up so much that it scares me because I do not know what will happen when that wall will break. But atleast until then, I am safe.
Ironically, these realizations, this outburst comes after 3 of the most amazing days this year..3 days of pure fun, meeting friends...gazillion people.
Maybe because these 3 days made me realize that I have lost that connect I had to almost everybdy. There isnt one goddarn person I am trusting ever again. Not one damn person whose gonna see the burried side of me.
And things r good. I mean life is good..everything is right on track.. I am even happy..mostly atleast. Its just this stupid side that keeps bugging me...and today I had to let it talk.
This post is unlike any post I have written.
Its minus the usual drama, sarcasm and vocab.
Its just that burried side of me talking for the first time. That side telling the rest of me that its much a part of making me what I am as much as the rest.
That side of me wanting to come out, let go. That side of me am now putting back behind walls.
The walls are tighter now, bigger, stronger and theres no bloody person breaking them again
The sad part is, inspite of whatver I have been saying and despite being firm on my decision to wall myself up, there is this void inside which is eating me with every passing second.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
I wish again, this were the last.
Oft spoken, yet misunderstood,
Your words haunt me, in this emptiness vast.
Not a single emotion,
Or the resemblance of warmth.
The crudeness of your demeanour,
The enormity of it all.
I search your eyes
For affection that would envelop me
Or a single trace of adoration
So I could think of a "we"
I look at myself
Look, what you have made of me!
Trembling for your trust
Or even a semblance of love
The story never ends
I wish again, this were the last
Oft spoken, yet misunderstood
Your words haunt me, in the emptiness vast.
29th March 2008
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Time and Time again
I realize through all this pain,
It all starts where it ends
And it all ends with me.
Alone, yet again
I curse all those who lied
With only my shadow by my side
The enormity of the emptiness around
Where was the happiness i thought I had found?
I realize through all this pain
It all starts where it ends
And it all ends with me.
For when the journey started,
Another one had ended.
I had set out on my own
In search of love, I could adorne.
In search of trust,
And happiness that wouldnt rust.
Or be engulfed by the tides of time.
It is now that I look around me again
And I realize through all this pain,
It all starts where it ends
And it all ends with me.
(written in macro economics class :P)
Monday, February 11, 2008
Are buried in the past forever
I folow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change"
My life has come a full circle.
Ironically enough on my birthday.
Time to start a new journey.
New hurdles, New challenges, New experiences
New sucsses, New failures, New People.
Time to let go.
I doubt if am going to.
"Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
P.S.- more about this later when i learn to accept the inevitable.