Thursday, October 30, 2008
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now"
- The Verve (bittersweet symphony)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Theres so much love inside me I want to share with all for am afraid it will rot.
Theres so much anger in me, I want to express for am afraid it might engulf who I am.
Theres so much care inside me I want to let out for am afraid, you'l stop needing it soon.
Theres so much hatred inside me, I want to destroy for am afraid it might kill....me.
I dont want to be the extraordinary
I just want to be myself.
Thats where it always starts and thats where it always ends. Why do I think so much when I cant change the fact that I am indeed myself. I just choose to not accept what I dislike about me.
"Am a million different people from one day to the next
I cant change my mind...."
- The Verve (Bittersweet Symphony)
So clap..for your about to have an insight into the most candid thoughts of this confusing mind :P
- I hate everything about you. Its not what you say or do to me but just who you are. It surprises me, confuses me and at the same time makes me know you really well. I dont hate you because i dont understand you, I hate you because I know you well enough. But believe me, you will also find very few people for years who will care about u as much as I do.
- Thank you for using me. You make me want to wish I never knew you. Or actually, you make me question the fact that I ever knew you. I was with you not because I understood you but because I just never Knew you.
- Dont irritate me. I really do get irritated. I just hide it well :)
- Yea, I have blocked myself. So stop trying to break me down. Yes, I do break down. No, you will never see it.
- I wish you would just give me a chance.
- I wish I had given you a chance.
- You made me lose respect in not only you but in the very emotion.
- The problem never was how much I liked you, the problem just was that I listened to you. I let u in my sacred space without realizing you wouldnt even value it.
- I never meant to hurt you.
- You know what you make feel like- used abused and thrown away. Thank you. :)
Sometimes I wish I could actually go upto each of these individuals and tell them this.. Knowing me, I probably even will ;)
Promise to post their reactions up here..with the drama (can i ever do without it? :P). Should make an interesting reading
Thats all for Now Folks! ;)
Friday, October 17, 2008
Its been even longer since I wrote something I could associate with.
As I write this, I remember the times, I would be proud of my posts and sometimes even surprised at how the product of my thoughts shapes up to be.
It has indeed been one heck of a year- experienced some phenomenal moments. Atleast on December 31st, Il know what its like to experience a million emotions in one single moment (ok not million but enough to make it feel like a million). Wait for a more detailed post on this one when the year actually ends. Like I always say "I'l tell you on Dec 31st".
So while the actual instances and experiences that contribute as reasons for this post, will be mentioned only on that eventful day, when I complete one of the most memorable years of my life, I do feel the need to write about the repercussions of the very same instances.
Just sitting right now and reflecting back on how different this year has been from the other 18 ones I have lived, made me realize that maybe somehow, unknowingly, I have killed a part of me everyday of this year. I have changed immensely in a lot of ways and there is a certain sense of pride associated with it. For, I have grown, matured, become more patient, worked on my impulsive nature, become more cautious. But, somewhere, something's been missing.
This post is gonna be about 'me'. Just that. Its been a while since i thought of those 2 letters. Those to 2 simple letters of the english alphabet that form a word that defines what I have probably been missing for a while now- 'me'. Thats it.
Strange how while am writing this, m finding solutions and answers to questions that have been bothering me for so long. I should have done this long ago, like a lot of other things infact.
I am not saying I am not myself, or I have lost myself. We all go through these phases, well atleast most of us do (apart from certain people who claim to be immune to it all- but more about that on dec 31st :P). Its just that, while I live each day and change the things I wanted to about myself, there is a little but very important part of me that got killed. This 'murder' if I may call it that, is not a supplement of the change- the change could have happened n the murder avoided, if I had just been a little more conscious. So moving beyond the drama, over melodramatic vocab and getting to the point- where has the child in me disappeared?
Someone once told me, "The thing that i really like about you, is that there is a child inside you that you refuse to let go of". Thats what I was proud about as well wasnt I?
So why did I let it go? Seems like i took whatver was given to me, at the cost of my very own self! I wanna feel like myself again! Not what I am to people but just what I am. I wanna get back that child within..its been sleeping for too long. I want to re-live the enthusiasm, its been dormat for too long. It feels like I am heading myself into what i dont want and i refuse to get up and take notice. But sub-consciously, I know am killing myself. Everyday.
I quoting "The Alchemist" the other day- "When you really want something, the whole world conspires to make you achieve it"
And then I can up with my own profound theory- "Everytime, I have not got what I wanted, it was because I had already accepted defeat in my head. Already thought of what it would be like if i dont get the object of my desire. Because I have already accepted this defeat in my mind, I actually faced it". So why dint I tell myself this previously?
I know what I want for the next 1 year. I am postive. I am sure. So why do i think wont get it?
There is only one way to get that what I want- be myself. Or do I really deserve it? Again the self inflected torture (more about that phenomenon in another post). So many thing sin my mind all the time...does anyone know how I can bring myself back?
Am very happy with the metamorphosis..but not at the cost of the excitement, the enthusiasm, the fun, the childishness that was me. Or maybe, in some dormant corner, still is.
Who am I?
what defines "me"?
I always said to people- "if you want to achieve something, especially in this organization, just be yourself- thats the key to most of the self imposed locks we fail to break ourselves free from."
So why I am finding it so difficult to do all that myself?
Since when did I have to "try" to be myself?
Maybe since the time i forgot what "me" really was.
*raises eyebrow again*
Now that I really want something again, am I going to break myself free from all this and go ahead and get it, like I have always done for 18 years of my life?
Am I going to continue to facilitate this process of self destruction, torture, pain and that unavoidable feeling of emptiness, that hollowness thats become a part of me in the 19th year of my existence.
New questions, just when I couldnt find answers to the old ones.