Randoming...

The kind of numbness that swallows me

Someday, I'l drown in self pity

The void within will only deepen

And in that moment of self-hatred,

Maybe, I'l finally learn to love.

-------------------------------------

These walls that aren't meant to be broken

Suffocate me, strangle me.

I keep wishing those dried up tears would flow

But am left to face my conscience, all alone.

--------------------------------------

19th November 2009

Direct Marketing class ;)

~Riddhi ~

For the very first time,

I deleted something off this blog.

This post just called for it.

I do not know why. But I had to.

Just asking

Am I really as vain as am made out to be?

~

Today

I overheard a conversation between the frankie guy and the guy who sells juice at the canteen.

They were discussin China.

The juice guy was telling the frankie guy about

how everything chinese is very cheap.

How he should buy the chinese make of

whatever it is he was planning to buy.

:)

What I've been noticing

The way the black road shines when it rains. And there is yellow around to make the shine look prettier. I like looking down at the road and walking these days. Black can be very comforting. Yes.

The speed at which people move in this city. Theres a sense of desperation in their walk, anger in their eyes and a thirst for change in their demeanour. When I look at them, I think they are thinking "Soon this will end".

The bloodshot eyes of desperation is more noticeable in the daily wage earners.And when you look at that intensity, you realize the beauty of being human.

How that road filled with trees makes me stop looking at the black of the road. All that greenery leads to an ATM. Whats more beautiful?

That Reading gives me peace.

That you can get along with most humans. Acceptance is the key. And a lot of smiling of course. But then, genuity matters most.

That when the chatter subsides, there's an emptiness that cannot be explained.

~

My mind is wandering

It's strange how I've been wanting to write here for a while now.

A lot has been on my mind, almost too much to be able to comprehend. But, when I open this page and begin to write, I blank out.

Was reading up the blog and trying to figure out how I could write so effortlessly once upon a time, how it was mandatory for me to put down my thoughts here, even if it was in the form of third person, poetry or what might seem fiction. Suddenly, there's a blank space in my mind that's pushing the rest of the thoughts to corners. Corners, I cannot explore right now. I miss continuity of thoughts. I miss effortlessness. I miss a sense of calm that would surface the turbulence.

Reading the Kiterunner currently, has some brilliant quotes I wanted to put up here, cant seem to remember where they were anymore. This is all just so new to me.

~

This is...

... to the little lecture you gave me and I kept shut.

... to all the times you called me dependant and juvenille

... to all the times you thought to yourself, your the only one who can 'handle' me.

...to all those times you convinced yourself i needed to be 'handled'

...to all those times, I knew just what you were thinkin, but knew this day will come.

I still care about you. Isnt that strange?

~~~

Not so numb

It strikes again.

That feeling you get before you hit rock bottom.

Its a funny phrase isnt it- 'rock bottom'?

You think you have hit it only to realize there is a new low out there for you to hit again.

But am getting that feeling, the one i get before i hit the first rock bottom.

Its not the best feeling to live with.

-------------------------------------------------

Confusion galore. Too much of it. I hate the fact that confusion is a good adjective to define my life. I hate it, but i cannot deny it.

------------------------------------------------

Current State of Mind-

Annoyed, homesick, deprived of personal space, lonely (and actually admitting it- thats something), people- too many of them and yet no one, irritated and irritable (easily), too much to do and nothing that i wish to.

-------------------------------------------------

Current Attitude-

Irritable, witty, silly, loud (not the things i really should be loud about though), laughy (for no apparent reason), procastinating (until i really wouldnt have an option but to do), weirded out.

-------------------------------------------------

The city is just rushing past me. Maybe i need to go for a walk. Alone.

I like this city, I know its more than a year for me over here. But its lonely and not in an alone way. In a way where you feel deprived of your personal space. I need that alone walk. Music, trees and me. For once just me. And the smell of the sea. Ah water! Ikky wikky bikki. blah!

--------------------------------------------------

And of course, the hurt again. Yet another memory I want to erase from my life. Cut myself off again. Now its all just funny. I think its what i want in life. how do I land up in such situations againa and again and again? trust issues it is. I am feeling that feeling again - having people who demand a lot of me, sometimes all of me, only to leave me with nothing, not even warmth.

I want something back- only I do not know what it is.

----------------------------------------------------

*Afterthought-

Such a morbid post! speaks sadness all through!

All this when I would actually describe myself as happy.

I miss simplicity. I really do.

Brevity Etc.

And suddenly I stare at this page and want to write more in it. But I never quite get past clicking 'new post'. Because suddenly, i feel all sorted out or maybe not even sorted enough to be able to write anything. I do not know.

Objectivity has set in again. Only this time I like it. I still feel those things within me, that I always do. I am just finding it difficult to put it to words.

On the contrary, I am also thinking of professional writing. Freelance maybe. Lets see how this works out. I am a little confused, a little excited, a little tired, a little bored and a little, just a little sad.

P.S- I am finally a graduate :)

It takes only a moment

She whined on for reasons many

And He looked at her with eyes heavy.

And as he brought back the smile to her face,

He watched her as though completely dazed.

And in that moment another was hurt

As she saw him with adoring eyes.

But his adoration was reserved for another.

She smiled to herself as she held a tear.

In that moment, she realized, it was two of them

While she was 'the other'.

------------------------------

She held his glance all that while,
Watched carefully his eyes, so very agile.
He hurt her with those words he said,
But she would not let it show, not a tear shed.
She smiled back as though with meaning
To mask the enormity of it all, that she was feeling.

She knew in that moment he should never know,
Maybe lying to herself, would make it all really go.

-------------------------------

Bombay Begins...

As promised to myself- next post from another city.

One that I will learn to call my city.

So my thoughts?

Excitement, enthusiasm, boredom, happiness, nostalgia...mixed emotions. So mixed, its difficult to document them.

Its good. Its all good here.

Music is the ultimate saviour of the soul. _ so says riddhi kapoor :P

Sala

Riddhi

...

"Ankhon mein jiske, koi toh khwaab hai

Khush hai wahi jo, thoda betaab hai

Zindagi mein koi, arzoo ki jiye

Phir Dekhiye"

~ 'Phir Dekhiye' - Rock On ~ :)

Bittersweet Endings and Brand New Beginnings.

They happen to us all , don't they?

But whats important before a brand new beginning is a perfect or not-so perfect ending.

A happy or maybe bittersweet ending. But yes, an Ending.

And I guess thats what I've been in the process of doing.

I'm almost done I think.

And now I cant wait for my brand new Beginning.

Next Post from another city. One that am already quite in love with.

I actually do not know what the future holds.

Literally.

So until the next post, tata!

In the meanwhile i have to do some ridiculous things like buy buckets and bedsheets. :S

Reality strikes a dreamer..Sigh!

~Riddhi~

All that Ends.

I am not a movie buff. I can count the number of movies I have seen on well my fingers. Batman is , something I am least amused by- was never fond of the comic book, never watched a single movie (I that is amusing or shocking or makes you shake your head in wonder/disgust, thats just too bad for you :P). I just have this mental block against movies in general and action/ superhero/ horror ones in particular. But recently, I came across the below dialogue in a friend's blog - one that I really enjoy reading and often wonder if I have written those myself. These lines couldnt fit better. They define a part of my life, one i got detatched to long time ago. An end that I had accepted and moved on from, But when i read these lines, I could only wish I had read them earlier. Maybe I really should watch movies. ;). Neverthless, the real point is, here is my perfect end-

Batman: You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I get to lose things. Because I'm not a hero. Not like Dent. I killed those people. That's what I can be.

Gordon: No, no, you can't! You're not --

Batman: I'm whatever Gotham needs me to be. Call it in.

Gordon: They'll hunt you.

Batman: You'll hunt me. You won't get me. Send the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen. Because sometimes, the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.


Gordon's Kid: Batman! Batman! Why is he running, dad?

Gordon: Because we have to chase him.

Gordon's Kid: He didn't do anything wrong.

Gordon: Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not afraid to move. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight.

The End 

~Love Me Tender~

Being 20 isnt easy. Especially when you belong to a generation victimized by a plethora of romantic stories - books, shows, movies, quotes, they all revolve around "happy endings". Growing up imagining that one fine day they meet 'the one' who shall 'complete' them, this generation gradually transitions from hoping to waiting for that day, for 'the one'.

I am ruthless to such desires of happy endings. I am a known realist. I almost detest romanticism. I am also called too cynical about this issue than needed. (Ah well but is cynicism really ever 'needed'?). But its not like I do not have my own definition of love. I dont believe in love but yes, I do define it. I am told that deep down, I am a hopeless romantic who uses sarcasm as a cover. I thought about that, looked deep down and then deeper down until there was no more deep left and I reached the conclusion that sarcasm was it, i wasnt covering anything. I really do believe that the common perception and definition of 'true love' is just a figment of overactive imagination. It stems from the eternal need for re-assurance. Its roots are inner insecurities that we refuse to come terms with.

The reason I come close to detesting the concept of 'true love' is because its usage today insults the very definition of love , or atleast my definition of love. From my observations, most (not all ) people view true love as that ultimate feeling of bliss which will arise out of the company of 'the one'. It is supposed be that time when you dont have to deal with the excess baggage your life has brought with it, when you dont have to fight the fight alone. The true lover of course has its own brilliant definitions. He/ She is assumed to be one who will understand fully what we stand for, will do wonderful things for us that we want done, will re-assure us, will help us get rid of our inner insecurities and well will lead us to become more sorted individuals.

This is my point of contradiction. I'l tell you what love is ( my definition, I mean). Love is more than that crazy feeling inside yout tummy when you see the person you claim to love, it is much more than giddy emotions and racing hormones, but above all, it is not selfish. If I love you, it has nothing to do with me. It has to do with you. It has to do with the fact that I know you and I understand you. I will stand by you no matter what. I love you but I may not want you and I might know I never will have you but I still love you. I love you because I want to watch you and be with you when you laugh, when you cry, when your hurt and when your not. I love you so I want to be beside you when you sleep, not necessarily want to touch you, but just watch you sleep. If I love you, then my love is devoid of insecurity, jealousy and anger. If I love you, then I will watch you be with the person you love, even when it is not me. I want whats best for you and am willing to accept it may not be me. Because my Love has nothing to do with me. It has to do with you, with who you are and above all who you can be. I know you and I know what you can be. I want to watch you be what you can be, but I want you to achieve it on your own, because that process will add to who you are. It will make me love you even more and it might make you move away from me farther. If I love you, then I will not judge you or hurt you or expect anything out of you because love has nothing to do with me. If I love you does not mean I want to be with you and it does not mean If I am not with you, I will stop loving you. Because I love you for what you are and what you can be. 

Love is when you know them, their character, what they are made of, what they are capable and above all, what maybe they do not even know about themseleves. Love is not supporting their wrong decisions but making them realize its consequences on their own. It does not mean holding their hand when they fall, but it means standing there and waiting for them to get up on their own because you know they can and you make them believe they can. Because Love is not about you, its about whom you love. It is selfless, it is secure, pure, content, happy and enough. It is True. When you love them, you will be true to them, but more importantly, you will be true to yourself. It does not mean losing yourself because your love is not about you, its for them. 

I love you for you not for what you are to me. I love you not to get rid of my inner insecurities but simply for your whole self. I do not believe 'the one' (If There exists such a thing) "completes" us etc. Individually, only we can solve our problems ourselves. To be happy, to be content, to be secure, we need to battle the contradictions within us ourselves. Needing someone else to help us with ourselves is not loving them, its needing them and sometimes using them and that will lead to nowhere. You love someone for their whole and you cannot complete or do anything about their whole, but you can care about that whole, love it, want to be beside it and want to love it even more. 

Love inspires love. It is not a need. It is not about you but about the person you love. 

I guess I have made my point. I might add to this later. 

The Bhagawad Geeta says that jealousy, anger, envy are all manifestations of our internal insecurities. They seldom have anything to do with the other person. 

I couldnt agree more. Why insult love by mixing it with a need to sort out our inner self? Why insult your love by making it about you? 

And well before I end...

Does such love really exist though? Does one have the power to love so purely? How would the cynic know so much about love? 

Do I have the Power to love like that? Have I ever loved like that? 

Your guesses are as good as mine . 

~Riddhi~

8th June 2009 

...

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to"

-Anna Nalick "Breathe (2AM)" 

Realizations Profound

Sometimes, you live a moment so special, a part of you remains stuck there even as you try to move on. You never will know what you your experiencing while it is still happening, but when the moment is past, you realize a part of you is stuck there- in that moment, refusing to move on. 
While you put the pieces back together, you realize maybe the moment your stuck in is not even worth it, the people who you experienced it with have moved on. But the reason you continue to hold on is because it changed you forever. It gave you a realization- one your not really willing to accept. 

It is now for me to accept what this moment gave me. That sense of realization has to come or I'll hold onto it forever. So I guess I should put swallow my humongous ego and realize that I am human after all. 

Reading List...

Come 20th and the following will occupy my time. I cant wait for holidays- when I can just read the entire day without a worry about anything! So here is the stuff I have to catch up on-

1. Shantaram
2. Atlas Shrugged
3. Hamlet
4. Othelo
5. As you like it
6. Emma
7. Anything for you Ma'am
8. Kiterunner
9. The White Tiger
10. Train to Pakistan

I do not believe I have not read this stuff. Infact its so embarrassing I wonder why am even posting this. Well considering I am hopefully graduating in 8 days, its high time I read this stuff :)

I cannot wait to read this stuff :) 

The smell of an enticing fictional piece..sighh...I know what I am missing out on 

Cheers

Riddhi

Story of my life ;)

"But Alice had got so much into the -way
of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen
that it seemed quite dull and stupid
for life to go on in the common way ...
Put cats in the coffee, and mice in the tea- And welcome Queen Alice with thirty times three!"

The Aquarius will tell you so...

"In spring, when -woods are getting green, I'll try and tell you what I mean:
In summer, when the days are long, Perhaps you'll understand the song.'"
"For this must ever be -A secret
Kept from all the rest Between yourself and me."

~Linda Goodman on the "Aquarius Person"

....

Of Lyrics and Ligaments...
"Cause I've got too much life
Running through my veins
going to waste"
_Robbie Willams "Feel"

"Change" the world?

I believe in change. I am not exactly very open to accepting it, but I do want to change things around me, always. Today, a few of my friends said to me "if there's one person amongst us who can change the world, its you!". I was overwhelmed to say the least. They know as well as I know how much I really believe in "Being the change I want to be" or just creating impact where i feel the need for it. I am not implying I am always successful but I cannot help but acknowledge the fact that i do give my best at attempting to create this impact. :)
But that is not the essence of this post. The reason for particular post is something else ( I will write a more positive one titled impact sometime soon, but lets leave that for now). So Let me start this with well my typical beginning style- its been a while since i posted something here. And now let me get to the point. :) In our own capacity we all want to change something about our environment and whoever came up with the phrase "Change the world" was, well a smart soul, no doubt, but a rather confused one.
It is interesting to note headlines after headlines and articles after articles on how an increasing proportion of the youth today wants to 'be' the change they want to bring about, or an even greater number of people who tell you they want to change the world. One very obvious question is how many of them actually sustain this want within them? Is it just a fancy figment of youth passion or a real selfless objective they wish to accomplish? However another point that I can't help noticing (and that infact stands as the prime reason behind this particular post) is how many of us really want to accept this change? Each one of us wants to change something around us, but how many of us actually sit back n reflect on someone else's reasons and open mindedly acknowledge or appreciate their efforts? Are we really up for 'accepting' change? I know this thought seems random (well, so do all of mine :P) but its been eating me for really long. We are all driven by our vested interests and our own benefits to make "our" world a better place for "us" to live in. How many of us have really given accepting change a thought? Not our change but someone else's change.
The flipside is of course the fact that every revolution needs its struggle and the greatest ones face the greatest opposition. But its victory against this great struggle that leads to great things. Quite like what Marx asserted. If we were all ready to "accept" so easily, then society would have never really evolved. It is so necessary to impose opposition!
And then again, who decides what change is really needed? who decides how great a revolution really is?
I want to change the world. I really do. I am going to have my own revolution someday. But as I plot my miracle everyday and try to 'be' the change i really want to see, there is one thing I cannot help but 'accept' - the world is not as bad a place to live in as we make it seem :)
There will be no change if the ones who need it don't realize that for themselves and stand up against what they wish to discontinue.
So here ends my thesis on "Change" , its symptoms and its consequences. I wonder if such elaborate thinking on so vague a subject will help me pass my graduation exams ! :P

~Riddhi~
( posted much after it was really written thanks to my not-so-recent surrender to laziness and unproductive activities)

I love Barney Stinson

He's Awesome. True story :)

<3

Or..

Or... This can be the title of my fiction piece .. my philosophies but by means of fiction

build a story around it.. will have more impact :)

hmm.. I am trying to convince myself am already a writer...lol
Like this will work :S

A sudden start

MY ultimate life aim is to write atleast one really good book, irrespective of whether i ever publish it.
I found the title to my book. I thought I'd start writing it 5 years later, but I guess i'l start sooner.

"The Philosophies of an unkown soul"

This is the non-fiction one. :)

I think i'l start the fiction one earlier but am confused- romance, thriller, drama, criminal, teen stuff... what should it be?

ahh blah!

tata!

Bavra mann dekhne chala ek sapna

This song is beautiful, to the say the least.
Simple lyrics that say it all :)

Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna
Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavre Se Mann, Ki Dekho Bavri Hain Baatein
Bavre Se Mann, Ki Dekho Bavri Hain Baatein
Bavri Se Dhadkaane Hain, Bavri Hain Saansen
Bavri Si Karwaton Se, Nindiya Door Bhaage
Bavre Se Nain Chaahe,
Bavre Jharokhon Se, Bavre Nazaron Ko Takna.
Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavre Se Is Jahan Main Bavra Ek Saath Ho
Is Sayani Bheed Main Bas Haathon Mein Tera Haath Ho
Bavri Si Dhun Ho Koi, Bavra Ek Raag Ho
Bavri Si Dhun Ho Koi, Bavra Ek Raag Ho
Bavre Se Pair Chahen, Baavron Tarano Ke,
Bavre Se Bol Pe Thirakna.
Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavra Sa Ho Andhera, Bavri Khamoshiyan
Bavra Sa Ho Andhera, Bavri KhamoshiyanThartharati Low Ho Maddham,
Bavri MadhoshiyanBavra Ek Ghooghta Chahe, Haule Haule Bin Bataye,
Bavre Se Mukhde Se Sarakana,
Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

....

Today was gonna be the day
But they'l never throw it back to you
By now you should have somehow realized what your not to do

"They were thinkin of Riddhi Kapoor's life as on 18th Jan 2009 when the wrote this "