Thursday, August 4, 2011

A mad ride

It's been a while since I typed out a long, incorrectly punctuated essay of grief and complain about the status of my life and my genuine disregard for and baseless cynicism towards humanity and it's ways.

I like cryptic. Actually, let me rephrase that one- I like being cryptic. It ensures a hiding place for me while the world leads its fancy life speaking a language so slang, it burns my ears. I also like fun bullet-pointed posts on random observations of human behaviour. It makes me believe I can study anthropology someday and also that people will read my blog to get great advice for life.

But there are days, when you're physically hiding under covers and almost making love to your bed because you do not want to get up and face humanity. Days, like these recent ones where you go back to the realization that you still don't know what really matters. On days like these, it's best to let the mind free and let the fingers type away to glory the words that bother you, that are on your mind and will be seen on the screen, but words that will never reach your mouth or be heard. Words that will form a long essay devoid of purpose, per say but will relate to a certain part of everyone, nevertheless.

It's been a mad bloody ride. 2 months of this new life i'd been preparing myself for, for as long as I can remember. But these 2 months seem like a lot  more than just 61 days. I am going to leave the specifics and "learning" for another post that shall be bullet-pointed and posted only after 3 months are over. For now, let's stick to- I've said my hellos and I've bid my goodbyes. Its been one heck of a ride!

What's amusing is that while the bullet pointed things in life- excel sheets, marketing meetings, career, targets, housing problems, transportation issues, financial standing matter to a great deal because they're what make 'the plan', what really makes the personality or decides how much of an emotional overhaul you're going counter is the vague part of life. I thought i used ambiguity as a cover because I don't like definitions- they remind me of restrictions and any form of restriction equals suffocation. But suddenly I am caught between it all- caught in a web that might have been self-spun but cannot be self-erased.

Little things matter.
People matter.
Emotions are not underrated.

So I sit on my bed wondering if I can just sleep it off. You can delay decisions, procrastinate on work but how do you sleep off experiences? You can stop obsessing over the experience and fool yourself into believing the bad feeling has evaporated, but it still sits there right? It stays put and takes a permanent spot inside your being looking for the right moment to remind you of it's life. It's a damn opportunistic thing, this bad feeling. What do you do about how experiences shape you? This must happen to all of us, no? People and the experiences they gave you always leave a part of them with you and maybe they take a part of you away. But you only feel the part that's left behind.

You know how people ask you all the time what would you do today if you knew you were dying tomorrow? Well, if it wasn't tomorrow and say there was a fixed date, I'd think on the lines of the country and I'd think on the lines of literature. Surprisingly enough, am doing none of that right now but I just know  or maybe like to assume/believe, that I'll get there.

But if you say to me I'm dying tomorrow, all I'd really want to do is talk to every person I've encountered in my life and tell them exactly  how they made me feel.


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