Thursday, August 18, 2011

Business Opportunities brought to you by Anna Hazare

I must put up a fancy disclaimer to save my life, lest I be labelled as unreasonably cynical, corporate suck-up, annoyingly opportunistic or anti-democracy. But, screw you. If one man is allowed to throw a fit and threaten the nation like a child so the PM meets him and the media showers generously, so much attention on him, then am allowed to put this up on a blog created by the self with not even 20 people who actually read this.

Take this all in good humour. If you can't, you don't pay me to write this anyway, so you can condemn my power of acute observation and shrug it off as cynicism (Yeah, that's B Shaw's excuse, not mine).

  1. Happy Meals to Save the day: In an attempt to display it's supremely philanthropic and regionally "customized" concern, Mc Donald's should have sponsored the breaking of the rather famed fast, the first time round itself. Picture this: Anna Hazare and his supporters sitting there eating Mc Donald's Happy meal- happiness ka formula. Breaking of the fast, brought to you by Mc Donald's. Headlines: Happy meals save the nation/ Happy meals for a happy nation/ A truly happy meal... I could go on. If by any chance, you happen to be the news guys reading this, maybe you could pay me to come up with the headlines. I'll do a mighty good job, clearly. 
  2. Candle-making Business: For the longest time, I thought this was the best occupation for the rich housewife. I could blame my origin and loud community for making me want to never take up a job, find a really rich man and run this business from his money. But today this has taken a new meaning altogether. We underestimate the potential of them white candles. Existing candle makers could come up with 'candles for a cause'- customized candles to every national calamity/disaster/newsworthy bullshit could be created. So you can now buy candles that are specifically anti-corruption or terrorism. And keep a few for the rainy day- when a schoolgirl is allegedly killed by her parents or a journalist is raped. The entrepreneur in me is now alive and kicking and am on my way to weaving world peace- one candle at a time. 
  3. New Advertising Space: I'm in the media industry, so I'll refrain from taking any names (Unless of course you decide to start paying me for updating my blog so I can quit this life of corporate slavery). But when you're in the 'business' of media, you need the advertisers to be able to be run the business. It's a mad world out there, trying to constantly 'innovate' your offerings to the marketeers. It's a madder world for the marketeers as they go to any lengths to just get 'noticed' or create 'awareness' about their brand. I say, screw the large sums of monies you pay to media houses to get the front page ad or the first TV spot during a break. Instead, invest in a simple hoarding with your brand logo on it and get your employees to stand in Azaad Maidan, VT station, Janatar Mantar, Ramlila Maidan. With the amount of coverage Anna-man is garnering, you are bound to get screen space (not only for 60 seconds, but throughout the goddamn day across all channels). Your employees will happy to get a day off excel and you can join the entertainment industry that television journalism has reduced itself to. 
  4. Branded Nehru Caps: It's the latest trend and it is after all fashion for a cause! So I say, produce different types of the Nehru cap. Each category can be produced with different materials and priced differently to cater to all segments- be it the nearby dabbawala, the middle class hysteric or the rich housewife who joins the 'movement' straight after blowing kisses at a high tea. 
  5. Anna Hazare mobile app: So what if you're busy licking some corporate ass and cannot physically be a part of the march? You can play the game on your mobile phone/tablet. The game starts with you being given a certain duration of the fast, or maybe even a fast unto death- this needs to of course be customized every hour considering how fickle minded the GOI or Delhi Police can be. Every time Digvijay Singh or his other associates who make us proud to be Indian, open their mouth, the duration fo your fast gets extended. However, every time you report a case of corruption, the fast duration is reduced by a day. Once you've done a considerable number of 'good deeds', BJP honours you and may even offer you a position in their party. Good deeds of course as per their definition so expect feeding the cow, kissing Baba Ramdev, slapping women in short dresses, etc. However, considering that most of the cases you will report, will probably include a BJP member, you might want to run back to the GOI. At the end of it all, if you manage to survive the fast, you will be called the 'real rajnikanth' and you'll win yourself a chance to throw arrows at bullets in the air with the man. 
  6. Anna-man bedtime tales or comic books: An Anna a day keeps sanity at bay. 
  7. Anna-brand Energy Drinks: Do you know why Anna can remain fit despite the starvation? Because as a child, he consumed enough of X brand's energy drink/ vitamin tablets. Boost is the secret of his energy! 
  8. Anna's own management DVDs: You know, the kind of DVD they sell on TV shopping shows/channels- the set of management DVDs that apparently improve your negotiation, management, leadership and team building skills and make you a 'sought after corporate professional'. Shiv Khera type of books too! '"Learn leadership from the man who built the nation for the second time'. 
  9. 'What's your jan lokpal personality?' Facebook quiz: By answering ten simple questions, you can find out your personality match! Are you a Baba Ramdev or Anna Hazare or Digvijay Singh personality type? Who knows, your personality could be a perfect match to that of the lousy opposition too! What's more, you can publish your result on your wall and share it with your friends and find out their lokpal personality! 
  10. Cadbury sponsored Shubh Aarambh- Koi bhi shubh kaam karne se pehle, kuch meetha ho jaye! So imagine the all the jan lokpal supporters standing in a line and breaking open cadbury dairy milk chocolates in unison before they begin their fast. Couple this with the classic slow music in the background. Ah! India Shining it shall bloody be. 


Priyanka said...


You are a VERY creative person. Ever thought about trying any of these yourself?:P

Riddhi said...

Hahaha Thanks Priyanka :). I am 'creative' only during lunch breaks at work :P.

And yeah, I'd love to pitch the mobile app to a company ready to buy. Let me know if you can help me there :P

Gyanban said...

And with all these business there is ample fodder for another scam ! :-) Good job very well written.

Ankush Agarwal said...

this deserves more than 20 audience.

Riddhi said...

@Gyanban- Thanks!
@Ankush- Yeah, I agree, why don't you 'follow the blog' too? :P

Kirklops said...

I thought FB quizzes had gone out of fashion. Who knows? The JanLokpal quiz could kick start the fad all over again. You could even ask Zuckerberg for royalty.

Btw, tangy post indeed.

Pythoroshan said...

congrats on the Tangy Tuesday pick...hilarious..if only Mc Donalds had listened :)

Rohan said...

You should hav started it durin d fast. . But its never too late. . ;-)You should hav started it durin d fast. . But its never too late. . ;-)

ravindra rajput said...

Its hilarious laid with sarcasm :)

Nitin Jain said...

reminds me of an old SRK movie - Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani! I think only Consumerism can salvage, we the 21st century narcissists ! Nice satire indeed..

Riddhi said...

@kirklops- agreed, am the next Mark Z B-) :p

@pythorosham- you think I should pitch?

@Roshan- Quite an Indian I am that way. Usually 'on time'

@Ravindra- Thanks!

@Nitin- Thanks