Lazy Ambitions

The problem with always wanting to excel really is nothing but the execution part of it. I am not competitive, well with other I mean. It is this constant competition with the self- to grow, to evolve, to learn, unlearn and excel- always.

Sometimes, in fact going by recent happenings, a LOT of times, it just puts so much pressure on the self, you know? Pressure is really not difficult to deal with, if it comes from a source but oneself. But, when you are pretty much the prime reason for all the pressure on you, it just well, sucks ( Ten minutes later, when I refresh my blog and read this post, I am going to curse myself under my breath for using this word on what I like to believe is so profound, a page).

I just have to excel. I am not saying win, because it's never about winning so someone else loses for me. It's just about excelling- immersing myself to the T, giving it my best shot and then smiling and quickly moving onto my next project.

But I don't seem to recollect how I did that anymore. I was always a multi-tasker right? Procrastinator, do i hear you say? Why, yes of course- but still an ideator and still an executioner.
Lately, however, everything seems to be just another source of burden. No, I am not morbid and depressed and abstract these days (as you can guess by the tone of the post), but stressed? Yes, indeed. It's almost as if I never knew what stress was before.

Suddenly, I feel the need to take care of my health, to exercise or simply, to run away. There is a part of me that wants to take refuge under the warm blankets on my bed, eat a lot of pizza and watch mindless television. But there is the other part, that wants to start exercising everyday, eat the healthiest of food and travel- a LOT. The latter part envisions clear fields and blue skies and running across all that jazz with arms wide open et all.

So while am torn between a newfound extremity of laziness and the boiling urge to just breakfree, what is it that I really choose to do? Oh yes, you got that one right, I open blogger and decide to write about my dilemma.

Please keep the smirk to yourself, I am very productive, if you may.
I just, well need to buy some more time.

Also, I think this page is going to be victim of a lot of sarcasm for a while, I need to vent. No, really I do.

So that's the end of yet another post devoid of any purpose or intellect whatsoever.

~  

Faith

The high,
the low
Crush my dreams
But the hope will never go.


~

~

You know that sweet smell,
of really old wine?

Or the dust that greets you,
when you open a book long forgotten?

Have you seen the smile you smile,
When a long lost friend calls, just to say hi?

Do you know why you secretly cross your fingers
or silently whisper a prayer?

Have you felt so safe,
that you fear it's just a bubble?

You know that half remembered song?
You know it, you know it really well, but you can never be sure.

I feel like that these days.

Am I letting go or holding on?
Am I forgetting or actually forgiving?

It's not grey, this.
It's cream, a million shades of cream.
It's off white
It's bordering on yellow, but it's not there yet.
Because I try to find reality, in what is but, only elusive.
Because my yellow's always been a mirage.

~

So Lately..

I've been obsessing over John Mayor.
Ahh so much of him, after so long.
Humming them pretty tunes all the time :)

Really, it's okay if you insist he's gay. I don't care. :)

~

Desiderata

The piece below was given as a farewell gift to me by one of my closest friends. Originally it was found in Old St. Paul's Church, baltimore; dated 1692

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth clearly
and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and agressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter; for always
there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possesion in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. especially do not feign affection.
neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenhancement
is it perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of the youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive him to be;
and whatever your labours and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be careful. Strive to be happy.

~

But it rained.

So here is something I heard yesterday. I decided to make note of it here on this page, simply because as a thought it has lingered on.

"It was raining and it felt like it was raining on me"

So when it was said to me, I doubt I gave the desired reaction. In the sense, it was typical you know? I hear something with a deeper connotation to it, nod agreeing, smile politely in a courteous appreciation of the thought behind the thought, if one would put it like that.

But as was expected, the thought stuck on. Only this time, I did not want to mask it under a vague form of poetry and put it up here. I think maybe this could be powerful by itself. Also, it opens the mind to several interpretations. Even for a ferocious rain lover like myself, I know there is a tiny part in their somewhere that still connects to the metaphor and that goes back to the many occasions, I silently hummed parikrama to myself. You see, all was going well, but it rained.

~

The old song

And just where am I
I'd never know
A whimsical reality?
Or dreams gone sore?

It's a rainy day
But it wouldn't snow
Black as coal,
Your eyes, they know.

Let's run away tonight,
Give into the age old plight.
Let's undo the right,
We can be those colours, so bright.

And just who am I
I would not know
The truth you dread?
Or the secret laying low.

It's a foggy day,
And my mind's a blur
But black as coal,
Your eyes, they still know.

Let's run away tonight,

Give into the age old plight. 

Let's undo the right,

We can be those colours, so bright. 

We can be those people too

We can just pretend it's true

Forget the old song for just a while,

Tonight, let's go that extra mile. 

~

Untitled #3

Tiny little drops of tears
The hazy view of life
The windshield all misty
Of laughter, it is the secret demise.

Finger prints on the glass
Can't wipe away the mist
Blurry is the shameful past
Painful is the twist.

Through the haze and the frost,
The eyes can still be seen,
Welled up with a distant dream
Glued to the window screen.

Move closer a little
The mist was all to find
Those big dark eyes seemed to fade away
Yet of the untold truth, they remind.

~

Wishful Thinking

Stay,
While I run away?

Confide,
Even though I hide?

Truth
Beneath my pile of lies?

See
Though I might be blind?

Whisper
While I scream outside?

Will you now,
Knowing I never would?

~