Not so numb

It strikes again.

That feeling you get before you hit rock bottom.

Its a funny phrase isnt it- 'rock bottom'?

You think you have hit it only to realize there is a new low out there for you to hit again.

But am getting that feeling, the one i get before i hit the first rock bottom.

Its not the best feeling to live with.

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Confusion galore. Too much of it. I hate the fact that confusion is a good adjective to define my life. I hate it, but i cannot deny it.

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Current State of Mind-

Annoyed, homesick, deprived of personal space, lonely (and actually admitting it- thats something), people- too many of them and yet no one, irritated and irritable (easily), too much to do and nothing that i wish to.

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Current Attitude-

Irritable, witty, silly, loud (not the things i really should be loud about though), laughy (for no apparent reason), procastinating (until i really wouldnt have an option but to do), weirded out.

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The city is just rushing past me. Maybe i need to go for a walk. Alone.

I like this city, I know its more than a year for me over here. But its lonely and not in an alone way. In a way where you feel deprived of your personal space. I need that alone walk. Music, trees and me. For once just me. And the smell of the sea. Ah water! Ikky wikky bikki. blah!

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And of course, the hurt again. Yet another memory I want to erase from my life. Cut myself off again. Now its all just funny. I think its what i want in life. how do I land up in such situations againa and again and again? trust issues it is. I am feeling that feeling again - having people who demand a lot of me, sometimes all of me, only to leave me with nothing, not even warmth.

I want something back- only I do not know what it is.

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*Afterthought-

Such a morbid post! speaks sadness all through!

All this when I would actually describe myself as happy.

I miss simplicity. I really do.