Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The thing about baggage

As complicated or un-complicated, one might be, there is always a past. A past does not always imply a series of dramatic events, one can make a bollywood film out of. But, there is always a sense of baggage. More for some people, than the others.

My point is?

Well, my point is simply this- we don't entirely realize how our past shapes who we are. It could be our equation with our parents/ siblings, death or accidents we could never come to terms with, a childhood romance gone sour or even being the jack of all trades at school. The memory of any of these incidents traces us right back to that time and right back to just how they made us feel. I've always believed that people may come and people may go, but we will always remember how they made us feel. Unknowingly, these incidents carve out who we are. The way we felt remains in some silent part of us, but it does remain. Even in moving on and forgetting, we move on as a different person- the person we become as a consequence of the experience we eventually might try to forget.

So you see it's a pity, when people like me decide to dislike their roots, like to be vague about past experiences, however silly they might be in the bigger scheme of things, because it is these experiences, that make me the person I am. It is amazing, how thinking about all this and looking at it from a completely new perspective, feels like the process of solving that one math question one can never solve in the entire exercise- you've made little notes around it, 'starred' it because you were told it is important, you've attempted it before and you had watched your teacher shake her head in disapproval as she highlighted the silly mistake you made. Yet, as you try it again, you can't seem to get it right, repeatedly. And just like that, after a quick cup of coffee and/or a shower, you see your silly mistake right in front of you and nail it- just freaking right. I used to love that feeling. More so because it came with a sense of pride, because you know, I figured out where I was wrong, all by myself. 

It's a birthday resolution of sorts. I'm going to come to terms with all this jazz, you know. Because, it's not like  I've faced those real problems. I'm mean am born in an India that is free and democratic and liberalized enough to afford a spoilt, thankless generation like ours. But there are things, little ones here and there that made me feel a certain way, that made me do certain things and that make me so cautious today. There have been people I've loved and lost, people I've lost and realized how much I loved and then there are people I don't think I tell enough that I do infact care about them. It's high time to get these things straight. I am freaking 22! For how long can I continue to be so walled up? For how long can I use running away as a solution to almost everything. For all the things I thought I'd be when I'm 22, escapist was never one of them. Well, neither was chubby, but that's another story altogether. Maybe, I've tried running in every direction, but by the end of it, somehow, I land up right where I started. So I got to make the start right. I've got to learn to trust and I've got to learn to let go. I've also got to seriously get this chubbiness off me.  ;)


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