Change or something like it.

Its been really long since i wrote something.
Its been even longer since I wrote something I could associate with.
As I write this, I remember the times, I would be proud of my posts and sometimes even surprised at how the product of my thoughts shapes up to be.
It has indeed been one heck of a year- experienced some phenomenal moments. Atleast on December 31st, Il know what its like to experience a million emotions in one single moment (ok not million but enough to make it feel like a million). Wait for a more detailed post on this one when the year actually ends. Like I always say "I'l tell you on Dec 31st".
So while the actual instances and experiences that contribute as reasons for this post, will be mentioned only on that eventful day, when I complete one of the most memorable years of my life, I do feel the need to write about the repercussions of the very same instances.

Just sitting right now and reflecting back on how different this year has been from the other 18 ones I have lived, made me realize that maybe somehow, unknowingly, I have killed a part of me everyday of this year. I have changed immensely in a lot of ways and there is a certain sense of pride associated with it. For, I have grown, matured, become more patient, worked on my impulsive nature, become more cautious. But, somewhere, something's been missing.
This post is gonna be about 'me'. Just that. Its been a while since i thought of those 2 letters. Those to 2 simple letters of the english alphabet that form a word that defines what I have probably been missing for a while now- 'me'. Thats it.
Strange how while am writing this, m finding solutions and answers to questions that have been bothering me for so long. I should have done this long ago, like a lot of other things infact.

I am not saying I am not myself, or I have lost myself. We all go through these phases, well atleast most of us do (apart from certain people who claim to be immune to it all- but more about that on dec 31st :P). Its just that, while I live each day and change the things I wanted to about myself, there is a little but very important part of me that got killed. This 'murder' if I may call it that, is not a supplement of the change- the change could have happened n the murder avoided, if I had just been a little more conscious. So moving beyond the drama, over melodramatic vocab and getting to the point- where has the child in me disappeared?

Someone once told me, "The thing that i really like about you, is that there is a child inside you that you refuse to let go of". Thats what I was proud about as well wasnt I?
So why did I let it go? Seems like i took whatver was given to me, at the cost of my very own self! I wanna feel like myself again! Not what I am to people but just what I am. I wanna get back that child within..its been sleeping for too long. I want to re-live the enthusiasm, its been dormat for too long. It feels like I am heading myself into what i dont want and i refuse to get up and take notice. But sub-consciously, I know am killing myself. Everyday.

I quoting "The Alchemist" the other day- "When you really want something, the whole world conspires to make you achieve it"
And then I can up with my own profound theory- "Everytime, I have not got what I wanted, it was because I had already accepted defeat in my head. Already thought of what it would be like if i dont get the object of my desire. Because I have already accepted this defeat in my mind, I actually faced it". So why dint I tell myself this previously?

I know what I want for the next 1 year. I am postive. I am sure. So why do i think wont get it?
There is only one way to get that what I want- be myself. Or do I really deserve it? Again the self inflected torture (more about that phenomenon in another post). So many thing sin my mind all the time...does anyone know how I can bring myself back?
Am very happy with the metamorphosis..but not at the cost of the excitement, the enthusiasm, the fun, the childishness that was me. Or maybe, in some dormant corner, still is.

Who am I?
what defines "me"?
I always said to people- "if you want to achieve something, especially in this organization, just be yourself- thats the key to most of the self imposed locks we fail to break ourselves free from."
So why I am finding it so difficult to do all that myself?

Since when did I have to "try" to be myself?
Maybe since the time i forgot what "me" really was.

*sarcastic smile*
*raises eyebrow again*

Now that I really want something again, am I going to break myself free from all this and go ahead and get it, like I have always done for 18 years of my life?
Or
Am I going to continue to facilitate this process of self destruction, torture, pain and that unavoidable feeling of emptiness, that hollowness thats become a part of me in the 19th year of my existence.

New questions, just when I couldnt find answers to the old ones.

~Riddhi