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Wednesday, December 5, 2007

~bittersweet::school diaries~

I cant help a stinging pain that arises from some corner of the center of me everytime someone mentions 'school'. Its been over a year, 21 months, to be precise since i went to school. Well as that very famous and often misused line goes 'Some wounds never Heal' .
I wouldnt ever be able to define my school life or state its inclination. I really do now know if it was inclined towards the happy side or the forgettable side.

I wasted very many hours, days, years of my school life on the wrong people, wrong decisions,..oh yes! I did waste a lot of my kind, thought, energy on worthless things, people, circumstances. This write up has been long overdue..maybe that pain inside is the reason for the delay.
So how would Riddhi Kapoor sum up her school life?
~confusion
~insecurity
~"Theatricals Society" (and i smile)
~wrong people
~implulsive decisions
~intution
~not following intution
~repenting not following intution
~envy
~debating
~ECA(and i smile yet again)
~an estranged best buddy
~broken trust
~trust again
~broken trust again
~hurt
~harmless crushes ;)
~physics trauma
~Sr. Nirmalini (read my principal...and that makes me smile really big)
~bunking classes
~not being myself
~dancing in the rain :)
~exam phobia
~teachers: they came in all categories~
~an empty heart
~a burdened mind
~bloodshot tears
~cutting my hand
~attempt to suicide
~conversations
~being the one who just never 'fit-in'
~searching for something
~wondering what am searching for

I have come a long way since then.. grown..become so much more self aware.. learnt the rules of the game.and then learnt to make my own rules and follow them... found what i was looking for... found myself... i have come to terms with myself. starting loving myself...at peace with myself .. maybe coz am finally being "me".

But what remains inspite of me hating the fact is the way i 'trust' people. There are very few people am close to. But maybe i trust too wholly and thats why i always get hurt. The saddest part is, everytime i fall i promise myself i will not trust so much again. But this is one promise I neevr keep upto.

Now, at a time where i have been hurt by every person i trusted, I feel a sense of timelessness within me. Am hanging somewhere. Am content. Am at peace. But am hanging somewhere. Simply, because right now there really is noone i trust.

~riddhi~

2 comments:

ghazal said...

I can completely relate to the whole trust thing. It's amazing how we keep count of every single time someone's broken our trust. And yet we contunue to trust..

I've basically come to the conclusion that I will never stop trustiing people nor will I rebuke myself anymore when it get broken. I trust people now because I want to.. and if its meant to be broken then so be it..

Anonymous said...

Wow!just plain wow.