The best and the worst of me

Inherent so strongly, almost stone-like in each one of us, is the best and the worst of us. The anti-me is as intrinsic to us as the me. And when both these grow in magnitude and ambition, almost parallelly, we build within ourselves, our greatest contradiction- the contradiction that threatens to destroy us, that challenges us, makes us question all it is that we hold dear to our heart , soul and mind and in the process, unknowingly, makes us only stronger and lot less contradictory. 


It's beautiful, I think, how molded so beautifully in our characters are the best and the worst of us. The best and the worst not necessarily on a relative note to the other earthlings, but our own best and worst, in isolation from everyone else. We are capable of doing that which we hate as easily as that which we love. That's why we find it so easy to hate ourselves.

We can be our biggest fans, most generous flatterers and yet startle ourselves by being our most apathetic critics, brutally damaging the ego we took pride in creating.

So we tread the path known or unknown only to collide with ourselves and fall back or be pushed to a new path and then it is our very own self that brings us back to the familiar path. Sometimes, the collision makes us stick to the new path and we carry on, until yet another collision with some other part of ourselves.

~

And that's 50!

So, the manuscript is now ready?

Doesn't matter, I have no money.

Anyone knows publishers?

:P

~

All that glitters

A thin line,
you wouldn't see
for a secret,
it's meant to be
The secret,
that we all know
The secret that
makes me ugly.

A fair world it must be,
in more ways than one
All that's not fair
sees the secret then,
Ever so unjustly.

It's a glowing pain
in their brightest smile
because they know the secret,
all this while.
It's tear tucked inside
Polite eyes
Memories, you'll
choose to ignore.

In fairytales,
we build our demise
Swap fair for fair
Like it's only fair to do so.
The prince and the princess
And a happily after
The fairy with rose lips
and a golden laughter

We carefully warp
the very definitions of beauty
Then we be amused
and scream confused
when the mirror
calls us ugly.

~

Letter to my 16 year old self

Dear 16 year old Riddhi,

The world is not going to end with the board exams.

Yes, you're the youngest in class. Yes, you're the youngest wherever you go. Yes, it can be a bitch. But I'm not going to lie to you, infact I know that's the one thing you hate and always will, so- that's probably not going to change. Take pride in it or learn to deal with it. But the age thing is not going sort itself out. But yeah you got bigger problems to think about right now.

Don't be so worried about losing all those friends, you've made at school. The only reason you're dying to hold onto them is because of your inherent laziness and an unreasonable fear about what's in store for you. Breathe. Let go. Over the years, you'll meet many new people, fall for so many of them, find some great friends and lose some of them. But trust me when I say this sitting from here, each time, you'll be hurt, then let go and learn to love yourself and others a little more.

Life seems pretty messed up to you right now, but you're only 16 and luckily for you slightly nerdy. But the best part about being on an all time low when nothing seems to be going for you, is that from here you'll only rise. That I can say with surety. You're questioning everything around you right now. That's not bad. But don't judge basis your own assumptions, wait for experiences- they equip you with the best judgments. You're resorting to things you're not very proud of. But there will be a day when you will not be able to imagine using that blade on your wrist. There'll be a day you'll look back at your 16 year old self and laugh at this. Laugh, but with a feeling that resembles regret. So to avoid that feeling (because you don't like the very idea of regretting what you do), love yourself a lot more.

Weight loss will come to you too. But you'll never be happy with it. So no point obsessing over it anyway right? But just believe me when I say you're at your fattest best. So from here it only get's better! :)

You're still going to be as confused about the concept, nature, fundamentals and operational bits of love a few years down the line as you are now. Maybe I'll write to you about that later, like a hundred years down the line when I would have established my peace with it.

First kisses are overrated. Don't build your hopes around it too much.

Myspace is awesome right now. But in time you'll discover more technologically unobselete ways to publish your idea of poetry for free online. In fact, you know how your blog is restricted to public viewing right now? Ah, well, I don't want to be a killjoy.

Keep the confidence going, a few years down the line, you'll learn to feel it in your heart and your veins and it will be the one reason you get all that you want.

Oh and about your biggest worry- the board exams- don't worry you'll do just fine. But as is your nature (which people around you will keep pointing out to you, if they don't already)- you will crib about it nevertheless.

Just one thing before I sign off? Never  say never. There are so many surprises for you in store, I feel the excitement right from where I am :)

The big hug you need right now,
Riddhi + 6

~

And just what do i do

about the slow,
sick,
sudden 
pain 
that makes it's way
through my arteries
deceiving the heart,
abandoning the purity
leaving me with nausea
that threatens to consume
all of me-
slowly,
sickly
suddenly


~

A body of thought

And when I delight my audience
with a humour not so profound,
narrate tales of glamour
or that heroic sound
My thoughts stay with me
The truth, the lies, the guilt-
them all

Then when I act upon cliche
and say am that- the lonely in a crowd
you take solace in my lie
And of your incompetence feel proud
because in herds we find shelter
and in herds we cage our comfort
My thoughts stay with me though
The truth, the lies, the pretense-
them all

When I hear the muffled cries
in the strange depths of your soul
but greet you with laughter
and a gaze so cold,
My thoughts are still with me,
the truth, the lies, the cowardice-
them all

When I distance myself
from the wreckage you caused,
play second fiddle
to the memory we overhaul
as if renovation were possible
of the soul so damaged,
my thoughts are still with me,
The truth, the lies, the pain-
them all

When I sit by myself
struggling with a song,
I stare into an empty space
Thinking those thoughts,
all along
those thoughts won't get rid of me
The truth, the lies
the pretense, the cowardice, the guilt
the pain-
them all
~

Breakfast at Tiffany's

You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself. 


~