Montage of Memories

Night; still I walked a while
The rain; It was teasing me, I  knew
So I could break into a smile
While tears rolled down my cheeks
And inside me, I felt the cold and the blue.
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I looked down the road.
I always did, you know.
There was so much noise around
I couldn't hear a thing though.
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And then you held me
A way I never thought you would.
And when I looked into your eyes,
I could see you look into mine.
In the movies, this would have been it.
But in my montage, I can only feel the pain.
--------------------------------
When I heard him choke
Or saw his eyes well up,
Something inside me tossed.
It tossed and it turned.
It tossed and it turned.
But I stood smiling.
So, he told me am stone hearted and cold.
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We stayed up the whole night
Just she and I
And our bottle of rum.
Talking about the times that were
And the ones still to come.
There's a window sill there,
To which, I owe a goodbye.
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I din't think life could get any better.
Just all of us around
Engaged in useless banter
Boxer shorts and many a jester
Did we know then, how life would alter?
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Left, Right, Left
Or was it Right, Left and then Right?
They zoomed past, while I thought
I'll be under one those
That will be reason for my death, I propose.
I looked up to find you smiling
And realized am already on the other side of the crossing.
Why did it comfort me so much,
This hand holding?
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I lay down on that bed the whole day
Wishing it were a little wider
Or maybe just a little longer?
The window should let more in too, you know.
And why, just why was the ceiling fan noisy so?
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For all the chitter-chatter
and loud laughter
I know I owe them a letter
Hell no, the cat too?
Never; I don't miss it
And it was never cute.
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I was in high spirits,
Quite literally so!
But I could see their faces all lit.
I din't deserve all this.
Not one bit.
Surprise, affection, hugs, et all.
I cried because I was having a ball!
Twenty one I'd like to be again.
If only these memories wouldn't cause so much pain.

~

You know what's amazing?

That there is so much I should want to express
However, quite naturally, I draw a blank.

These days, I see everything in snapshots. My thoughts are in the form of a montage. A montage of memories.
I see flashes, images. These flashes are constant but short. My mind does not spelll out essays any longer or play a movie with that soft background score I usually find comfort in.

My thoughts have a mind of their own. I cannot control them or make them continuous. They have a new soundtrack, one I have not learnt to classify yet. This novelty is striking and slightly uncomfortable.

I will write another entry on this montage of memories. Some of them are probably just figments of my imagination.

But I've reached a point where I no longer know what's real and what's not. I just know what's on my mind.

And sometimes, not even that.

~

Yes.

"I'd love to look into your face without your eyes turning away."

- "grey or blue"- Jaymay

~~~

A Bullet Pointed Life

I could start another blog on this.
What happened to that continuous flow of random yet enviable thoughts? ( lack of modesty remains the one thing that's unchanged, though :P)
You see, we need to achieve those big words these days- 'precision' , 'clarity', 'effectiveness' and of course 'results' - anywhere and everywhere. So we condense the expression of every emotion and bullet point our life and its products. Damn these blood sucking capitalist leeches.

It is amazing how capitalism has become the system. Make humans machine to increase productivity. Yes, that is all good and am all for it. But what do I do about that thought that keeps popping in and out of my head. The thought that says to me " You are doing all this to make sure there is enough money in one manipulative, son of a very respectable lady's bank account". See at the end of it, it all seems so useless. Because, in the bigger picture, Am I solving any problem?

Now, I like the idea of creation of nurturing what has been created. I think we all need to sell ourselves all the time, forget the brands we work for. I like those concepts of marketing and advertising and branding and what not. I comprehend them easily and can't wait to see their application. But again, all this for what? To get more involved in this world of consumerism.

This is how it works-

I want pretty stuff.
To obtain those, I need money.
So I need to earn money.
To earn money, I need to go get my blood sucked at some capitalist establishment.
I let them suck my blood till I turn pale.
They reward me with less than one millionth of their actual 'revenue' or 'profit'.
Now I can go buy the pretty stuff I want.

But you know what? This pretty stuff is the result of another capitalist establishment. This is pretty stuff that you don't necessarily want. They just make you want it so they can make money off you and buy other pretty and non-pretty stuff that they assume they cannot live without.
It is a vicious circle, all this and if you step out and examine the happenings, you will not find value in any of it. It seems so pointless. It thrives on the innate greed in humans. I have put this is extremely simple terms (because I refuse to fall prey to the need for complicated words- at least in this post). But this what it truly is about- nothing.

I would like a life that is random, very random. A life that does not entail me to summarize my expressions, instead make them detailed. A life that is continuous and free flowing, where the cause of sudden happiness in my life is NOT the new pair of earrings i bought.

Yet, as I write these profound words and make theories of my own, I continue to live in my little bubble- let these capitalist leeches suck my blood and wait for the golden date of 26th, so I can get my first salary. Why is that so important to me? Oh because I HAVE to buy myself a pair of pretty sunglasses and a nice new pair of heels ( I still don't have the red pumps I really want).

Tsk.Tsk. Shame on you Riddhi Kapoor!

~~

New and Improved

Dear Riddhi,

Welcome to your life- its now NEW and IMPROVED. Yes, you do not believe the two words can be used simultaneously, but hey, this brings about the point just perfectly.
So, this new chapter starts in a not-so-new-to-you city: Dilli :).
Yes, you have despised it for long enough, but this time the city is going to grow on you. Just calm yourself down and go with the flow. This phase your life entails you start "work". Well, at least you go to a workplace. How much work you actually do or get done shall remain a mystery for a while. You are now no longer a student. You are expected to get up in the morning (the morning before 12:00 PM you lazy moron!) and go to an AC workplace where you will sit at your workstation and 'work'. In case you realize you actually don't have any 'work', you are expected to keep sitting and pretend like there is. While putting up this act of providing substantial contribution to the organization as well your own thick brain, you have enough time to wonder as to why they hired you in the first place- it is not like your indispensable to the growth of their organization. In fact, beep that, it is not like you provide an value addition at all.

That aside, you will like your new life. You will like your workplace. You will like the luxury of what you can actually call your home. You will enjoy the journey back and forth everyday because it will give you the opportunity to stare into space and at the pretty roads. As a matter of fact, there will be a lot of pretty-ness all around you. Your new life will bring to you more stability and enough time and space to plot your next steps. You have missed plotting haven't you? Well now there is enough time for you to continue plotting your revolution. You can get back to reading too, for fear of reaching a stage where you would call yourself illiterate, if nothing else. Oh! the opportunities are unlimited.

Beware of claustrophobia though. That phenomenon has always been associated with this city and you are allergic to it. Why, you believe it is a disease, don't you? So don't let it catch on to you for the consequence is prolonged illness apart from of course, losing the plot, messing up your thought process and urging you to pack your bags and run away. So whenever you see so much as a symptom of this dreaded disease, hush yourself up, take a bath and watch Big Bang Theory.

Your new life is not all that bad, just accept it as yet another phase and do what you did with the last version of your life- treat it like a passing phase of one year and live it to the fullest (very much like those cliche motivational speeches). It worked once, it will definately work again. Even if it doesn't, it is worth the shot now, isn't it?

~
;)