Just Deaf

I want to write about the voices I hear, but I've nothing to write about.

The only voices I hear, are the ones in my head. These voices are so loud, they are drowning out the ones I really want to hear- the ones outside: a stranger's laughter, an old man's abuse, a child's cry, the rustling of leaves, the sound of the sea bathing the rocks at marine drive, the sound of the bell on the chaiwaala's cycle, that road vendor calling out to me, my mum's sniffing, the black car screeching to a halt.

These voices outside are not always pleasant, yes. But they are real.

The voices inside my head betray me at the most inappropriate times. When I try hard to listen to them, really listen them, only silence greets me.

Then am left deaf. Infact, that is the word I've been looking for. I feel deaf and my mind draws an empty white. Just deaf.

If I was still as articulate as earlier, I would have expressed myself in the form of poetry. But that doesn't come to me anymore. Even sentences are difficult to form. Its all bullet points and short phrases now. Shouldn't that be a good thing? But more on this later.

~

puzzles you can't fix

Am feeling that feeling after really long.

There are puzzles around. I'd fix them

But I can't find the missing pieces.

I looked around all I could.

I searched everywhere I could.

I tried until I could not try anymore.

"But I still haven't found what am looking for..."

~~

Lost the plot now?

A friend of mine asked me a few weeks back "Riddhi, have you lost the plot somewhere?"

It made me think.

I've been happier. Certainly. I've been going with the flow. The cheesy phrase that mentions spreading your wings to the fullest would apply here.

But there's a brevity of thought. There is a block in the process of penning what am thinking down. Theres a loss in the fluidity of my expression. But there is a sense of calm, a sense of happiness I enjoy.

It is mighty strange how that fluidity of expression comes when i feel something close to morbid.

I don't know if i have lost the plot somewhere. Because frankly, I don't think i ever made a plot i'd want to follow.

Is it a phase or change of thought process? But suddenly, I want to go with the flow. I want to run around, in different directions. I dont want no pattern. I dont like no pattern.

But the thought is still in my head, is there really a plot that I have lost only mid way?

ta

Just like that!

I am twenty one.

And thanks to some people, i realized its not so bad. Infact not bad at all. If you get the kind of surprises i got, I'd want to turn 21 again and again and again.

:)

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Its amazing how you don't always need to be articulate to express what your feeling :)

~riddhi

P.S- am growing old :(

Sometimes...

Some great conversations can remind you, to know people who know you really well, you don't have to look too far.

Now too close either.

Does it matter how much I hang around with you to know how well you know me?

You can predict me, yes. But to know how well i know you or you know me, a conversation is all we bloody need!

I dont need to be with you all the time to know you the way you want me to.

Ta!

My epitaph will read

"For what its worth, it was worth all this while"

;)