500 swords and 2 bad words

Friday Night.

Media planning exam in a few hours.

Actually it already is 4:11 Am- so Saturday morning technically.

My mind is wandering again. Theres a lot going on in there. There is a lot am masking. I know i dont want to, but i know i have to.

Sometimes, many things go wrong together. There are so many of them, it is difficult to gauge which one of them we are really worked up about. And then one day, the stray ends of the puzzle fall back into place. So you've been waiting for this day, haven't you? Strangely enough, the puzzle you were trying to fix wasn't worth it anyway. When you see the result, when you see those stray ends all in place, you realize it was not even worth the effort. Din't you intend to form a different picture?

Yes, you learnt a lot, helluva lot while solving it. But then, that is the only consolation you have for the enormous amount of time that has practically, in all means, been wasted. So you smile to yourself and take the learning with you, like you always do. And then you promise yourself, this is the last time, knowing fully well its not.

Do you choose to face these bitter endings or are you just born that way? A question you ask yourself all the time. You believe in practicality. You believe life is about the choices you make. Things don't just happen, you 'make' them happen. But that would imply, you make the wrong choices, every bloody time.

The world is a strange place alright!

but as long as we continue living, it all really is worth it isnt it?

~

And then there are days...

Days you feel it all coming back to you- the pain, the hurt, the anger- oh! so much anger.

Days you one thing ticks you off and you remember so many other. You remember the time you had done something you weren't really proud of. It hadnt been easy. But oh it was painful- so very painful.

And there was a certain sense of pleasure you derived from that pain. Pleasure that is sinful, apart from other things. But you miss that pleasure. And you want that pain all over again.

Because there are days when everything just really bloody matters.

The numbness that has set in

Its a strange sense of numbness. I wish i could write a song on it.

Infact I wish I could just write.

Its a task these days- to put together in complete sentences what I want to. Its a task to think straight. And when I think of what is bothering me so much, My mind feels blank, like memories have been erased. erased in a horrible way so bits and pieces loom behind, still stuck in corners, refusing to get out, but the large parts are deleted.

I hate finality. Theres something about it I just cannot accept. My relations with people in general are never complete, final or full. Theres always clutter in my brain which is quite ironic if one would consider how controlling i can usually want to be. Sometimes, i want to hold that brain of mine and squeeze it so hard that the thoughts should not be there go pouring out. I wish it was physically possible to plant thoughts out of the mind.

Other times, I just want to think about these things even more. There is a certain sense of pleasure one can derive out of pain. A friend had once told me long back- Pain is the worst addiction and your capable. I should have listened. When i look inside, I feel pain, a lot of it.

But on the surface there is a numbness that has set in. its almost like plastic. On the surface there is a lot laughter and shallow thoughts. But there was a time, I knew the deeper ones that lay within. And now there is a time when I avoid anything that lies within.

Since when did I become so comfortable running away from my very own self? Comfortable would actually be the wrong word. But habitual is probably correct.

You think so hard, you go crazy and when you still cannot sort it out, you ignore it. This is basic human nature- atleast thats what a lot of people belittle it as. But something is bothering me.

Something intangible, something that is an accumulation of more than one feeling, of more than one thought. I cannot pin point what it really is.

Until I cant figure that out, I guess I will just continue running away.

~

I'm Just wondering...

"Koi to rokey, koi to tokey
Iss umar mein ab khaogey dhokhe
Darr lagta hai ishq karne mein ji
Dil to bachcha hai ji
Dil to bachcha hai ji
Thoda kaccha hai ji"

- Gulzar

"Main toh hoke kisi ki hoke

Ye bhi Na jaani

Rut hai ye do pal ki

Ya rahegi sada "

- Javed Akhtar

:)