"Change" the world?

I believe in change. I am not exactly very open to accepting it, but I do want to change things around me, always. Today, a few of my friends said to me "if there's one person amongst us who can change the world, its you!". I was overwhelmed to say the least. They know as well as I know how much I really believe in "Being the change I want to be" or just creating impact where i feel the need for it. I am not implying I am always successful but I cannot help but acknowledge the fact that i do give my best at attempting to create this impact. :)
But that is not the essence of this post. The reason for particular post is something else ( I will write a more positive one titled impact sometime soon, but lets leave that for now). So Let me start this with well my typical beginning style- its been a while since i posted something here. And now let me get to the point. :) In our own capacity we all want to change something about our environment and whoever came up with the phrase "Change the world" was, well a smart soul, no doubt, but a rather confused one.
It is interesting to note headlines after headlines and articles after articles on how an increasing proportion of the youth today wants to 'be' the change they want to bring about, or an even greater number of people who tell you they want to change the world. One very obvious question is how many of them actually sustain this want within them? Is it just a fancy figment of youth passion or a real selfless objective they wish to accomplish? However another point that I can't help noticing (and that infact stands as the prime reason behind this particular post) is how many of us really want to accept this change? Each one of us wants to change something around us, but how many of us actually sit back n reflect on someone else's reasons and open mindedly acknowledge or appreciate their efforts? Are we really up for 'accepting' change? I know this thought seems random (well, so do all of mine :P) but its been eating me for really long. We are all driven by our vested interests and our own benefits to make "our" world a better place for "us" to live in. How many of us have really given accepting change a thought? Not our change but someone else's change.
The flipside is of course the fact that every revolution needs its struggle and the greatest ones face the greatest opposition. But its victory against this great struggle that leads to great things. Quite like what Marx asserted. If we were all ready to "accept" so easily, then society would have never really evolved. It is so necessary to impose opposition!
And then again, who decides what change is really needed? who decides how great a revolution really is?
I want to change the world. I really do. I am going to have my own revolution someday. But as I plot my miracle everyday and try to 'be' the change i really want to see, there is one thing I cannot help but 'accept' - the world is not as bad a place to live in as we make it seem :)
There will be no change if the ones who need it don't realize that for themselves and stand up against what they wish to discontinue.
So here ends my thesis on "Change" , its symptoms and its consequences. I wonder if such elaborate thinking on so vague a subject will help me pass my graduation exams ! :P

~Riddhi~
( posted much after it was really written thanks to my not-so-recent surrender to laziness and unproductive activities)

I love Barney Stinson

He's Awesome. True story :)

<3

Or..

Or... This can be the title of my fiction piece .. my philosophies but by means of fiction

build a story around it.. will have more impact :)

hmm.. I am trying to convince myself am already a writer...lol
Like this will work :S

A sudden start

MY ultimate life aim is to write atleast one really good book, irrespective of whether i ever publish it.
I found the title to my book. I thought I'd start writing it 5 years later, but I guess i'l start sooner.

"The Philosophies of an unkown soul"

This is the non-fiction one. :)

I think i'l start the fiction one earlier but am confused- romance, thriller, drama, criminal, teen stuff... what should it be?

ahh blah!

tata!

Bavra mann dekhne chala ek sapna

This song is beautiful, to the say the least.
Simple lyrics that say it all :)

Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna
Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavre Se Mann, Ki Dekho Bavri Hain Baatein
Bavre Se Mann, Ki Dekho Bavri Hain Baatein
Bavri Se Dhadkaane Hain, Bavri Hain Saansen
Bavri Si Karwaton Se, Nindiya Door Bhaage
Bavre Se Nain Chaahe,
Bavre Jharokhon Se, Bavre Nazaron Ko Takna.
Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavre Se Is Jahan Main Bavra Ek Saath Ho
Is Sayani Bheed Main Bas Haathon Mein Tera Haath Ho
Bavri Si Dhun Ho Koi, Bavra Ek Raag Ho
Bavri Si Dhun Ho Koi, Bavra Ek Raag Ho
Bavre Se Pair Chahen, Baavron Tarano Ke,
Bavre Se Bol Pe Thirakna.
Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavra Sa Ho Andhera, Bavri Khamoshiyan
Bavra Sa Ho Andhera, Bavri KhamoshiyanThartharati Low Ho Maddham,
Bavri MadhoshiyanBavra Ek Ghooghta Chahe, Haule Haule Bin Bataye,
Bavre Se Mukhde Se Sarakana,
Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

....

Today was gonna be the day
But they'l never throw it back to you
By now you should have somehow realized what your not to do

"They were thinkin of Riddhi Kapoor's life as on 18th Jan 2009 when the wrote this "

what a line! :S

dimaag ka dahi

Back to clarity :)

Went the Distance
Now am back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

Dont lose your grip on the dreams of the past
you must fight just to keep them alive

:) :)

Music Heals

It does.
It encircles the worst affected part of your heart
Pricks it slowly
Till you can scream
and then adds balm
Till you get addicted to it.

You were right

A to Riddhi: Someday you'l realize Riddhi, noone's on your side.
*Riddhi smiles, nods, forgets*
You were right. I did realize. Just a little late.

In another conversation-
A to Riddhi- People use u as a scapegoat.
*Riddhi smiles, nods, forgets*
You were right again.

Things to do

1. Learn salsa
2. Spend the night on a beach
3. Write a book
4. Join Politics
5. Stop biting my nails
6. Become size 8
7. One real slow dance
8. Go to Venice
9. AIESEC traineeship
10. Start my own enterprise
11. Impact rural education system and scope
12. Adopt a child
13. Change mindsets
14. Cause a revolution
15. Script and direct my own play
16. Cry for a really long time -not alone though
17. Scream from atop a mountain or a reallyyyy tall building.
18. Buy a house near a beach
19. Make a difference to my country
20. Fix the sour ended relationships
21. Live alone for a year
22. Let go of hatred
23. The perfect kiss
24. Go clubbing with mum
25. Live in Spain or Latin America
26. Be hugged tightly, strongly, caringly, perfectly
27. Win!
28. Inspire

~Riddhi~

Would you cry just a little for me?

I cry
Alone
In the dark
with my head burried in my pillow
every night
before the pain swims to my head
and I can do nothing but sleep
to escape.

"Would you cry a little
Lie just a little
pretend that your feeling a little more pain?"
- Faith Hill ~"Cry"

What Riddhi Means!

curtesy-blogthings.com
You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

...

"O no, I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
But here am I in my little bubble"
~Coldplay (trouble)~

Simply Speaking...

Being yourself can do wonders!
Living an urestricted life clears the mind like nothing else.
Why impose so many barriers and limits to oneself when theres no need for them..not the least?
I feel free, unrestricted, unconstrained
and
happy :)
Life is simple, lets just live it that way.
~Riddhi~
P.S.-I cant stop similing.
P.P.S.- I am glad I made my decision ;)

...

"Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now"
- The Verve (bittersweet symphony)

Let me be

Theres so much love inside me I want to share with all for am afraid it will rot.

Theres so much anger in me, I want to express for am afraid it might engulf who I am.

Theres so much care inside me I want to let out for am afraid, you'l stop needing it soon.

Theres so much hatred inside me, I want to destroy for am afraid it might kill....me.

I dont want to be the extraordinary

I just want to be myself.

Thats where it always starts and thats where it always ends. Why do I think so much when I cant change the fact that I am indeed myself. I just choose to not accept what I dislike about me.

"Am a million different people from one day to the next

I cant change my mind...."

- The Verve (Bittersweet Symphony)

To some really important and some not-so-important people

Here are a few things I have always wanted to tell different people. each statement is meant for a certain individual who may or may not be of particular importance to my life ;)
So clap..for your about to have an insight into the most candid thoughts of this confusing mind :P

• I hate everything about you. Its not what you say or do to me but just who you are. It surprises me, confuses me and at the same time makes me know you really well. I dont hate you because i dont understand you, I hate you because I know you well enough. But believe me, you will also find very few people for years who will care about u as much as I do.
• Thank you for using me. You make me want to wish I never knew you. Or actually, you make me question the fact that I ever knew you. I was with you not because I understood you but because I just never Knew you.
• Dont irritate me. I really do get irritated. I just hide it well :)
• Yea, I have blocked myself. So stop trying to break me down. Yes, I do break down. No, you will never see it.
• I wish you would just give me a chance.
• I wish I had given you a chance.
• You made me lose respect in not only you but in the very emotion.
• The problem never was how much I liked you, the problem just was that I listened to you. I let u in my sacred space without realizing you wouldnt even value it.
• I never meant to hurt you.
• You know what you make feel like- used abused and thrown away. Thank you. :)

Sometimes I wish I could actually go upto each of these individuals and tell them this.. Knowing me, I probably even will ;)

Promise to post their reactions up here..with the drama (can i ever do without it? :P). Should make an interesting reading

Thats all for Now Folks! ;)

Riddhi

Change or something like it.

Its been really long since i wrote something.
Its been even longer since I wrote something I could associate with.
As I write this, I remember the times, I would be proud of my posts and sometimes even surprised at how the product of my thoughts shapes up to be.
It has indeed been one heck of a year- experienced some phenomenal moments. Atleast on December 31st, Il know what its like to experience a million emotions in one single moment (ok not million but enough to make it feel like a million). Wait for a more detailed post on this one when the year actually ends. Like I always say "I'l tell you on Dec 31st".
So while the actual instances and experiences that contribute as reasons for this post, will be mentioned only on that eventful day, when I complete one of the most memorable years of my life, I do feel the need to write about the repercussions of the very same instances.

Just sitting right now and reflecting back on how different this year has been from the other 18 ones I have lived, made me realize that maybe somehow, unknowingly, I have killed a part of me everyday of this year. I have changed immensely in a lot of ways and there is a certain sense of pride associated with it. For, I have grown, matured, become more patient, worked on my impulsive nature, become more cautious. But, somewhere, something's been missing.
This post is gonna be about 'me'. Just that. Its been a while since i thought of those 2 letters. Those to 2 simple letters of the english alphabet that form a word that defines what I have probably been missing for a while now- 'me'. Thats it.
Strange how while am writing this, m finding solutions and answers to questions that have been bothering me for so long. I should have done this long ago, like a lot of other things infact.

I am not saying I am not myself, or I have lost myself. We all go through these phases, well atleast most of us do (apart from certain people who claim to be immune to it all- but more about that on dec 31st :P). Its just that, while I live each day and change the things I wanted to about myself, there is a little but very important part of me that got killed. This 'murder' if I may call it that, is not a supplement of the change- the change could have happened n the murder avoided, if I had just been a little more conscious. So moving beyond the drama, over melodramatic vocab and getting to the point- where has the child in me disappeared?

Someone once told me, "The thing that i really like about you, is that there is a child inside you that you refuse to let go of". Thats what I was proud about as well wasnt I?
So why did I let it go? Seems like i took whatver was given to me, at the cost of my very own self! I wanna feel like myself again! Not what I am to people but just what I am. I wanna get back that child within..its been sleeping for too long. I want to re-live the enthusiasm, its been dormat for too long. It feels like I am heading myself into what i dont want and i refuse to get up and take notice. But sub-consciously, I know am killing myself. Everyday.

I quoting "The Alchemist" the other day- "When you really want something, the whole world conspires to make you achieve it"
And then I can up with my own profound theory- "Everytime, I have not got what I wanted, it was because I had already accepted defeat in my head. Already thought of what it would be like if i dont get the object of my desire. Because I have already accepted this defeat in my mind, I actually faced it". So why dint I tell myself this previously?

I know what I want for the next 1 year. I am postive. I am sure. So why do i think wont get it?
There is only one way to get that what I want- be myself. Or do I really deserve it? Again the self inflected torture (more about that phenomenon in another post). So many thing sin my mind all the time...does anyone know how I can bring myself back?
Am very happy with the metamorphosis..but not at the cost of the excitement, the enthusiasm, the fun, the childishness that was me. Or maybe, in some dormant corner, still is.

Who am I?
what defines "me"?
I always said to people- "if you want to achieve something, especially in this organization, just be yourself- thats the key to most of the self imposed locks we fail to break ourselves free from."
So why I am finding it so difficult to do all that myself?

Since when did I have to "try" to be myself?
Maybe since the time i forgot what "me" really was.

*sarcastic smile*
*raises eyebrow again*

Now that I really want something again, am I going to break myself free from all this and go ahead and get it, like I have always done for 18 years of my life?
Or
Am I going to continue to facilitate this process of self destruction, torture, pain and that unavoidable feeling of emptiness, that hollowness thats become a part of me in the 19th year of my existence.

New questions, just when I couldnt find answers to the old ones.

~Riddhi

...

"Tell me you love me
Come back and hold me
I wanna rush to the start."
~Coldplay 'The Scientist'

This thing called life

You hold a person by his neck.
Shut his mouth so he cant speak.
Hold his nose so he cant breathe,
And then, you take a step back,
Smile and say "SCREAM!"

Its not once that I have felt the above lines (self written) describe my life. And a lot of times, the lives of some people around me as well. And while all this happens, I just have one question- "Is there an end?"

~Riddhi

.......

"Let the rain fall,
I dont care!
I am yours
And Suddenly your mine!"
;)
~ Aqualung- Brighter than sunshine~

...

"Close your eyes,
Listen to my voice,
Its my disguise
I'm by your side"

~ Plain white T's -'Hey There Delilah'

?

"Do I love you because you are beautiful or are you beautiful because I love you?
Am I making believe I see in you, a woman to perfect to be really true?
Do I want you because you are wonderful or are you wonderful because I want you?
Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream or are you really as beautiful as you seem?"

- Oscar Hammerstein

Its strange how i had shut the computer to go bed.
its 3 42 AM.
Instead, the thing i seemed to be dreading the most these days happened.
The inevitable outburst.
So I came back to write this piece.
My computer decided to show off its mood swings and I had to restart the computer 7 times until it finally worked. And strangely, yet again i actually went through the effort of restarting this computer again n again at 3 42 AM just because i knew it was high time I write this.

There are times in your life, when you feel low but then again these are just phases and the low phase is usually followed by happier one.
But amongst these gazillion different phases of my life, what has remained with me is that side of me that is so horribly dependant on the people I trust- the side of me burried deep down somewhere shown to very few people because its just so bloody vulnerable.
That side of me that always got hurt but refused to leave me.
The side of me I wish I could control.
And through all these phases, its this side of me that i like to keep protected, burried, secure. Its this side of me that I wish noone could intrude. Its this side of me that I have built a wall around.
And because this protected side is a very important part of what makes me "me", the people who do see it are the ones who truly know me. Thats the bloosy root cause of all problems.

I think I am at this stage in my life where this side of me has been hurt so much, its becoming increasingly difficult to handle.
Everybody I seemed to have trusted (excluding of course my blood ties) have hurt me. Its like this side has ben exposed to the wrong people. The intruders saw this side of me, understood it, used and abused it only to leave me feeling helpless, foolish, naive and absolutely pathetic.
Its like everyone I believed in has been a lie, a cheat and those ridculous other things.
While I am writing this down, I dont believe how amazingly negative I can sound but it seems like this had to come out. And am just glad that day is today. And am just glad its ou this way and no other.
Its like one of those times when you just wonder why that stupid dumb vulernable side of you exists- the one that gets attached to people, the one that starts believing in them, the one that trusts them, the one that begins to trust them blindly until it gets used up and thrown ..yet again..

I know I have walled myself up too much. I know I have hid the vulnerable side so deep down that it would take ages for the intruders to even discover its existence. Neverthless is still exists and gets hurt. The hurt just gets camoflouged much better. I do not know if its a good thing to keep so much inside me. Is it better to just vent it out and free myself of this turmoil?

You really wouldnt know all these things are going on inside me. Because that is me. I just would never show it or never intentionally atleast. But these things are and I hate that.

I just want to thank all those I trusted... thank you for intruding, using and leaving me hurt. All of this has done one thing for sure. I have learnt my lesson. I have walled myself up. Its like I really dont know if I ever will let my guard down again. I have walled myself up so much that it scares me because I do not know what will happen when that wall will break. But atleast until then, I am safe.

Ironically, these realizations, this outburst comes after 3 of the most amazing days this year..3 days of pure fun, meeting friends...gazillion people.
Maybe because these 3 days made me realize that I have lost that connect I had to almost everybdy. There isnt one goddarn person I am trusting ever again. Not one damn person whose gonna see the burried side of me.

And things r good. I mean life is good..everything is right on track.. I am even happy..mostly atleast. Its just this stupid side that keeps bugging me...and today I had to let it talk.

This post is unlike any post I have written.
Its minus the usual drama, sarcasm and vocab.
Its just that burried side of me talking for the first time. That side telling the rest of me that its much a part of making me what I am as much as the rest.
That side of me wanting to come out, let go. That side of me am now putting back behind walls.
The walls are tighter now, bigger, stronger and theres no bloody person breaking them again

The sad part is, inspite of whatver I have been saying and despite being firm on my decision to wall myself up, there is this void inside which is eating me with every passing second.

~Riddhi

Motonous Monotony...

The story never ends

I wish again, this were the last.

Oft spoken, yet misunderstood,

Your words haunt me, in this emptiness vast.


Not a single emotion,

Or the resemblance of warmth.

The crudeness of your demeanour,

The enormity of it all.


I search your eyes

For affection that would envelop me

Or a single trace of adoration

So I could think of a "we"

I look at myself

Look, what you have made of me!

Trembling for your trust

Or even a semblance of love

The story never ends

I wish again, this were the last

Oft spoken, yet misunderstood

Your words haunt me, in the emptiness vast.

~Riddhi~

29th March 2008

...

Night; and once again,
the while I wait for you,
cold windturns into rain
~Shiki Masaoka~

...

For love and for hate
I swat a fly and offer it
to an ant.
~Shiki Masaoka~

Time: haiku

So this is my latest obsession ..haiku is a form of japanese poetry... am kinda addicted to it now..
this ones one of my favourites:
Behold the ego
Set in glowing emptiness
On the edge of time
~Noel Kaufmann ~

Time and Time again...

Standin' here in the dark
Time and Time again
I realize through all this pain,
It all starts where it ends
And it all ends with me.

Teary eyed
Alone, yet again
I curse all those who lied
With only my shadow by my side
The enormity of the emptiness around
Where was the happiness i thought I had found?
I realize through all this pain
It all starts where it ends
And it all ends with me.

For when the journey started,
Another one had ended.
I had set out on my own
In search of love, I could adorne.
In search of trust,
And happiness that wouldnt rust.
Or be engulfed by the tides of time.
It is now that I look around me again
And I realize through all this pain,
It all starts where it ends
And it all ends with me.
~Riddhi~
(written in macro economics class :P)

...

"For though they may be parted
there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer.
let it be."
-beatles

Full Circle.

"Walking down the street
Distant memories
Are buried in the past forever
I folow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change"
-The Scorpians

My life has come a full circle.
Ironically enough on my birthday.

Time to start a new journey.
New hurdles, New challenges, New experiences
New sucsses, New failures, New People.

Time to let go.
I doubt if am going to.

"Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye."
-Nickelback

~Riddhi~
P.S.- more about this later when i learn to accept the inevitable.

....

Dont let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to selling out, reconsider.
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance.
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance....
~Lee Ann Womack ( I hope you dance) ~

...

When I look into your eyes,
I can see a love restrained.
And darlin when I hold you,
Dont you know I feel the same?
~Guns n Roses ( NOvember Rain)~

Someday I Will...

Someday I Will...
Laugh without it hurting inside
Sing like a dream
Forgive you, even though you lied.
Go atop a mountain and scream.

Someday I Will...
Cry and let it all out.
Smile wide, right upto my eyes.
Trust, devoid of doubt.
Love someone very wise.

Someday I Will...
Forgive and forget
Get rid of memories that hurt
Sleep on grass, wet.
Make him realize my worth.

Someday I will...
Fly.
Pour my heart out to you and cry.
Win.
Stop taking people for granted.

Someday I will...
Let myself go.
Hold onto you so tight, you couldnt leave
Let all my emotions show
To those emotions, a humour weive

Someday I will...
Live like their aint no tomorow!
Laugh fully,
Love wholly!
Stop being taken for granted.

Someday I will...
Dance on the terrace,
Do salsa
Be kissed on the beach.
Wake up with a hangover.

Someday I will...
Rebel.
Cause a stir,
Make a change
Disappear into a timeshell.

~Riddhi~

~bittersweet::school diaries~

I cant help a stinging pain that arises from some corner of the center of me everytime someone mentions 'school'. Its been over a year, 21 months, to be precise since i went to school. Well as that very famous and often misused line goes 'Some wounds never Heal' .
I wouldnt ever be able to define my school life or state its inclination. I really do now know if it was inclined towards the happy side or the forgettable side.

I wasted very many hours, days, years of my school life on the wrong people, wrong decisions,..oh yes! I did waste a lot of my kind, thought, energy on worthless things, people, circumstances. This write up has been long overdue..maybe that pain inside is the reason for the delay.
So how would Riddhi Kapoor sum up her school life?
~confusion
~insecurity
~"Theatricals Society" (and i smile)
~wrong people
~implulsive decisions
~intution
~not following intution
~repenting not following intution
~envy
~debating
~ECA(and i smile yet again)
~an estranged best buddy
~broken trust
~trust again
~broken trust again
~hurt
~harmless crushes ;)
~physics trauma
~Sr. Nirmalini (read my principal...and that makes me smile really big)
~bunking classes
~not being myself
~dancing in the rain :)
~exam phobia
~teachers: they came in all categories~
~an empty heart
~a burdened mind
~bloodshot tears
~cutting my hand
~attempt to suicide
~conversations
~being the one who just never 'fit-in'
~searching for something
~wondering what am searching for

I have come a long way since then.. grown..become so much more self aware.. learnt the rules of the game.and then learnt to make my own rules and follow them... found what i was looking for... found myself... i have come to terms with myself. starting loving myself...at peace with myself .. maybe coz am finally being "me".

But what remains inspite of me hating the fact is the way i 'trust' people. There are very few people am close to. But maybe i trust too wholly and thats why i always get hurt. The saddest part is, everytime i fall i promise myself i will not trust so much again. But this is one promise I neevr keep upto.

Now, at a time where i have been hurt by every person i trusted, I feel a sense of timelessness within me. Am hanging somewhere. Am content. Am at peace. But am hanging somewhere. Simply, because right now there really is noone i trust.

~riddhi~

.......

' ab kehna aur kya...jab tune keh diya alvida'
~alvida- lousy movie called life in a metro or something

'Its all the mind':: Theory by moi

"Self- Obsession" is my biggest vice and that's reason enough to justify the nature of my blog and the infinite mention of "me" in my blog. Everybody tells me I "think too much" , at times "way too much"....out of the everybody... there are 2 people's whose conversations stay with me.

• "You think too much. Convert your thoughts to actions. Write a "DO" behind your computer and u will be much happier"
• "Yea..you think too much...at times Way too much, but then that's just "YOU". Minus your thoughts, their wouldn't be a "YOU". Your Too much thinking is what defines you."

Strangely or not so strangely, these are contradictory opinions. But i hold both equally true. The first is the opinion of a person who believes in action, who believes in implementing, achieving.The second comes from a person who understands my kind of people. Maybe because she belongs to that category herself. Understands why and how some brains are born to analyze, dissect and get into the intricacies of things!

U see, that's just the category i belong to. I believe my biggest strength is my mind and more often than not, it is your biggest strength that works as your biggest weakness. I do not know if i owe this to my Zodiac or my genes of well just the "category" of the human race i belong to, but what i do know is that it comes naturally to me. In fact, it oft is subconscious. I am very perceptive and the second stage to my perception is analysis. However, it is when people take this analysis to being 'judgemental' that things go hay wire. Each person is allowed the sanity of his thoughts. Each person is permitted the freedom of his perception. But it is indeed the sound of these thoughts n perceptions that become opinions and opinions are just always contradicted.

So what I have realized, or rather my theory of "its all in the mind" states that it should all be in the mind. Elaborating on what I already mentioned. Perceptions imply thoughts. Thoughts imply voicing out of thoughts. Voicing out of thoughts of person is equivalent to 'opinions' for the other person. 'Opinion' imply a 'Contradictory opinion'. And then Hell brakes loose. because they may be an example at a micro level but at the macro level when you apply this very theory to nations, communities, jihads, wars, curfews, states, labour unions and the likes, I will be proved nothing but true.

Now taking this introspection to a deeper and more individual level. Lets consider the alternate model. This model tries to avoid 'hell from breaking loose' and the following are the sequence of events in this case: perceive, think, don't voice out, no opinions, no contradictions, no hell. Now what will happen in this scenario is: perceive, think, because cant voice out, more thinking, jam in the brain. Basically, if i perceive and build my thoughts but do not voice them out, I will think more and beyond the point of sane thinking,I shall face the very tragic and maddening 'brain jam' because if i don't share my thoughts, i restrict myself, and theres a clog in my brain. Hence it becomes necessary to change my thoughts to opinions by voicing them out so i can get more perspectives on them that will evolve them instead of restricting them.

However, it is the micro that leads to macro.

And so my theory has no profound conclusion as yet. It has many loose ends. Almost zero factual errors. But it is indeed subject to subjectivity. What also stands against my theory is the the confusion within me which stems from nothing but my self contradictory, questioning, overtly analytical nature.

And as this theory was forming a clog in my brain, I thought i might voice it out and share it, maybe outsider perspective on it mgiht sought out that clog.

P.S:-

1) My language has deteriorated horribly, drastically. Am aghast, shocked (and all other words of all other languages that imply the same meaning) at myself. I NEED to read a good book!

2) Economics hons has deeply affected my brain as can be seen by my choice of words and style of writing.

3) I do think a lot.

Blisspoints...

Just some of the most wonderful moments in life..

~Lying in a moving train watching a star studded sky.
~having the most amazing conversations with someone very dear to you.
~Somebdy living in another city, whom u met once in your life, remembering you, jst when you thought he would have forgotten
~Re-uninion
~the smell of rain
~victory after a long struggle
~music
~having someone tell you "you are a leader" just when you thought u would break down.
~a best friend's hug
~waking up with a smile
~childhood memories.
~your mum call out your name in a way only she can
~having someone, who u thought would break your trust, tell you he cant see you cry
~communicating without words
~someone telling you they need you
~an early morning walk in the mountains
~impacting a life
~to be called inspiring
~to be inspired just when you thought u will drown in self pride.
~to know the destination of the path ur on.
~to have our little sister tell u she missed u
~honesty
~to be onself
~smile
~to achieve a dream

"Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet Just a man and his will to survive So many times, it happens too fast You change your passion for glory Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past You must fight just to keep them alive "
- Survivor "Eye of the Tiger"

inactivity..

I just read a friend's blog ans somehow it bears this uncanny resemblance to mine..

There is one line from there that stays in my mind.. "when life seems like an endless song.."

Guess thats just the phrase i have been looking for for so long... just the phrase that describes the inner turmoil i have been battling with.

I do not know what am doing
I do not know why am doing
I do know i need to get over this
I do not know how
I do know the answer is within me somewhere
I do not know where

Writing is my means of escapism i guess. I have always used it to know myself better. My blog is my gift to me. I hate it when i cant put together the vastness of my thoughts. I hate it when poetry seems like a distant dream. I hate the fact that my vocabulary hasnt had any addtion for the past year or so. I hate the fact that i have run out of adjectives. I have to force myself to be descriptive.

Its like i have an interrupted flow of thought. It feels like i think in words or maybe phrases but not sentences anymore. Surprisingly enough, it seems like the only poetry i can come up with contain nothing but romantic inclinations.

Am in this state of complete inactivity. Even my thought process seems to be all messed up (see "messed up" was the best term i could come up with)

The strangest thing being i have even lost my satirical style of wiritng...the sarcasm sprinkled with subtle humour that i was so proud of.
My usual post on this very subject would have been an extremely sarcastic one bodering on generalizing the exhausting daily routines of the young that have affected greatly their not only their thought process but also deprived them of a decent vocab.
I have lost that
I have lost myself

I feel weird
I feel suffocated
I feel held
I also feel let loose
Too loose..
Contradiction of thoughts
I do not know what i feel more
I feel plain numb.

I am far away
far far
let loose
too far for your voice to reach me
I see your lips move
But i hear not what u say
I smile
and drift further away
The chains that bind me from the other side
pull me
so thats why i feel suffocated and held
but am loose
i cant hear you
but something else holds me
and i know not what it is.
And in all of this, i lose my soul

Was this just one my recent lame attempts at poetry?
I cant write anymore.... i cant think straight and i do almost nothing..

Do i care about anything else more than inflated ego?
Do i lack self respect?
Will I drown in self pity?
Will I be just another without substance?
Do i have any purpose of existence?
If i cease to exist today, can i say i have led a "purposeful" life
If i cease to exist today, what would cease with me?

I search around for the answers to these questions
Although i know the answers are within me
Irony never leaves me i guess


~Riddhi~
18 Sept 07
12 11 pm.

you...

I sail through the present; living in the past

The burden of memories suffocating my mind

I crave your fragrance through the emptiness vast

You fill my senses...question my bare soul

Ignite within me darkness galore

Claustrophobic nostalgia

Bloodshot eyes

Memories reflect the truth behind lies

The sight of you; the depth of you

fills my senses...questions my bare soul

As I look beyond you; beyond time

I ignore again what the future holds

Timelessness

Emptiness

The pain of the past rekindles within me

A thirst for your touch

I lose to you my sense of "me".

"Sing with me;
sing for the year (Sing it!)
Sing for the laughter,
sing for the tear
Sing with me,
just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away..."
-eminem oasis greenday aerosmith

Of romanticism, fantasies and youth...

The first book, a girl child reads is almost certainly "cinderella" and those who beg to differ with me on this account, would probably point out a "snowhite and the seven dwarfs" or a some other fairy tale of the kind. So right from that tender, oh-so-impressionable age, into the youth, she imagines her life to be that of misery, until her knight in a shining armour would come, riding a horse, wrap his arms around her kiss away her sadness and take her away from her "misery"

Do not get me wrong, the point of this post is not demean the essence of these super loved fairy tales , or to discourage their use, but this post is quite on the contrary, a critique (or well sort of a critique!) on the sheer romanticism of the youth and more so on their persistent efforts to hide the same. Well, if your young and you know english, then as your readin this, your lips are bound to curve into a smile for you know exactly what am talking about ( in case thats not happenin, ur either not young, or do not know English or well just an exception i refuse to study).
My point is, each of our youth is somewhere dedicated to finding that "ideal" partner who would well just sort of take us away from our self created miseries.

WE all want to fall in love. Some of us admit it, most of us dont. Me, being part of the latter category likes to believe its useless. Even though we all know we want it to happen. Now the point of this post is just a dedication to the spirit of romanticism on the youth, which is so prevalent today. this spirit, might be coated with sarcasm, cynicism, defensiveness and reluctance, but its there nevertheless and it is well, extremely amusing.

We all love living in our fantasies,in the occult, in our ideal lives with ideal people to share it with and in spite of it, most of us would rather convince others about how the whole idea of mush is so "pansy"! I am not saying that we are all mushy. Am just saying that we all could be ...... ( i was just going to mention about how we are all potential romantics and its high time we "discover our potential"...sheesh... AIESEC is impacting me waaayyy to much :p)
So.. keeping the randomness out and getting back to the point...

here's a salute to the Romanticism of the youth... a particular area of my interest since i don't seem to have exploited much of mine anyway;)

I think its high time we all get romantic... i think its high we all fall in love..

sheesh... wats with me.. i have dragged the post and made it what i was not supposed to e when i began writing it ..lol.. 1: 16 A.M and riddhi kapoor decides to get mushy....the story of my life! ;)

been ages since i wrote summin actually...will try and be more regular..

tata people.. (am sorry you were subjected to this incredibly random post... but its just me in my "mood"..lol)

I feel very cheesy.. and trust me.. its a RARE feeling ;)

ciao
riddhi

Different people, different perspectives. Strangely or rather not so strangely enough, my blog, according to a lot of people is not necessarily a reflection of my personality. I call it a perfect reflection of my thoughts though. The deepest darkest, strangest, randomest (self invented word..consequence of an utterly deteriorated vocab!) , funniest ,weirdest and in all probability most morbid thoughts that equip my mind, trap my imagination (or maybe enhance it, depends how u look at it!) and the ones that undoubtedly, i dont like an audience to share with.

Its rather iroinic isnt it? how i would probably never talk about these poems, or the fiction am so proud of, in person. I do, undoubtedly, resort to blogging only when am in the worst of moods and this is ,well, the best way to vent it all out. So, there i am presenting in the subtlest of manner, concealed in third person, an iota of reality mixed with an imagination run wild to a gazillions of pople, people i dont know, on the internet. Maybe thats it. Maybe the fact that i do not know the people who are readin this is what makes this a safe refuge. Maybe thats why, until some time back, the people around me did not even know i blog!

I like to shock people. i do not know why but i just do. Maybe its to do with the fact that am aquarius. Maybe its just because of the element of fun in it. The comments i get after poeple read my blog, in the weirdest of way, make me smile so much! Reactions like "You WROTE all that??" , more than often its "YOU wrote all that??" , "how much do you think?" "are you lonely?"
and the award goes to..."do you miss someone in your life? You seem like a lonely depressed girl!"

ha ha ha !!

Well, nothing is as it seems to be, noone is as they seem to be! We all know that. Strangely though, we always let it come like a jolt from reality to us!

I really have tried maintaining journals, but gosh! are they a tedious task for a lazy soul like mine or what!

Am passionate about writing, but i like writing only for myself. Maybe thats just it.
I can talk for an audience. I love audience. i love entertaining.
But my blog, my page has to be about me and more importantly, for me.

Well, if you have actually reached the end of this post, am to darn proud of you! lol..

darn! 12 25 and am gettin a food craving again.. chocolate fantasy... hmm.. drool

~riddhi~
25th Jan, 2007, 12 30 A.M.

desire~~

I clench my fists as you come closer
My fingernails dig through my palm
My body stiffens, my breath gets deeper
I let out a sigh,
As the tip of your finger touches the curve of my arm.
I feel the blood ooze out of my palm
You stand there before me,
With a gleam in your eyes
and a smile on your face
And i wonder when it will be all mine, that gaze.
Your smile deepens
And so does my breath.
You think you know whats on my mind
I wonder how you could be so blind
You remove your finger
But hold me with your gaze
I feel the warmth of your breath
Shut my eyes,
wonder at length,
what hurt more, my blood or you?
A chill runs through my spine,
As i realize you never will be mine.
I open my eyes.
You grab one arm
and bend the other
I gasp as you come closer
I smile at your face, smile at your eyes, smile at your smile,
Smile at the arm that's grabbed me
Gaze at the free arm with the dagger
You pierce my flesh.
More blood.
My scream
Your tears.
Your smile disappears
Unlike my tears.
My vision fades
As i smile again
and slip away....
numb to all the pain.

~riddhi~
18th January, 2007, 12 50 A.M.

mas alla del horizonte

Julian climbed up that familiar staircase , reached the top, searched through her pockets to find the keys and opened the lock to the terrace. she walked past many a pots of various types of plants, to the railing at the end, her favourite corner of the terrace - where she would often come just for the view. She looked beyond. From that fantastic place on top of the building, she looked beyond. She saw the sky, she saw the ground, she saw the shrubs, the greenery and aahh.. the pool.

From where she stood, she looked down her right to see the pool, at this perfect time of the evening, shadowed by trees and the red-blue sky, fresh from the sunset. The heavenly silence was accompanied by the constant continuous sound of the wavlets created by those practised swimmers. As julian looked into the depths of the water and then looked beyond at the greenery around the pool, she couldnt help but smile. She wondered why the smile wont go. She must appear to be quite a lunatic to an onlooker, but, there was of course, not another soul presesnt except herself. This enviornment brought with it a sudden rush of memory. She remembered, she recollected, she thought, she dreamt, she wondered, she stared and she continued smiling. And then, suddenly from some corner of her eye, she felt the semblance of a tear trying to escape. Before her hand could reach her face to wipe it, her eyes well up and she cried silently but uncontrollably. She continued smiling. She pondered over the oddity of the situation.Her smile grew wider and her tears fiercer but more silent. At this fantastic place, overlooking the most beautiful vision she could wish for, she stood spellbound by the chastity of the situation and the strange aura she was unable to comprehend. She continued to think, to dream, to remember, to recollect, to smile, to cry. But as she started at the pure beauty around her, she looked beyond, beyond the herself, beyond her past, beyond her future, beyond time, beyond the horizon..... mas alla del horizonte...

~riddhi~

Set me free!

set me free...
so i can fly with no wings
so i can breathe with no air
set me free
so i can let it out
set me free
so i can scream n shout
set me free
dont tame me
dont hold me
let me go
why do u treat me so?
no u cant control me
no u cant hold me
set me free
so i can breathe with no air
so i can fly with no wings
set me free
so i can laugh
so i can cry
so i can let out the emotions
i have been holdin for so long
set me free
so i can sing my own song
so i can learn n unlearn
so i can live like am alive
so that in the depths i can dive
set me free
so that i can go high
n higher n higher
set me free
so i can be me
set me free
for me.....
set me free....
there aint no second thoughts..
i wana untie all these mindless knots
these shackes that bind me
i want you to set me free...
set me free..
so i can fly with no wings...
so i can breathe with no air..

~riddhi~
May10,2006

Lookin through her drawer..

well this is summin i wrote before my economics Board paper.. it has no beginin and end as yet.. stil workin on that but i jus thot i'd put this up....


oh yes those memories were so dear,
she realized as she held a tear,
so she dug further into her drawer,
while in the emty darkness she shivered
along the meadows they'd play forever
and life just seemed like a little prayer
for there he was with a blossom for her
and she'd laugh and put it behind her ear
and they'd walk along together
defying the odds of the weather
oh yes , did it hurt to think,
about how she had lost that common link
so dear he had been to her
if only she had realized it earlier
for childhood was a luxury indeed
when you dint really realize what you did need
a "friend" was somebody everybody had
and there was no reason to value what you did have
and then she found what she was looking for
a picture of them on the shore
staring at those giant waves
wondering how they'd get so near
and nostalgia brought with itself a gush of fear
these voices of the past she did not want to hear
she wondered though if he could hear
the voices of these memories she held so dear
or was it just in her mind
an illusion of a kind?
and then another gush of memory
overwhelming feelings of which she was weary
yes, there had been silence too
because it did what words cannot do
it was a strange tranquility,
a peculiar satisfaction
and never had she realized then
that all of it would come to an end
for childhood was a luxury indeed
when u did not realize whom you did need
and they'd play along.....
sing that happy song.........

~riddhi~
March 20, 2006

This constant struggle called life.

" Most people are other people. Their thoughts someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
- oscar wilde



In this constant struggle called life,
we try, we fall, we get up and we try again.
We look around us,
only to realize not everybody thinks the way we do.
Everything seems to contradict us,
and so does everybody.
So, we try to adjust.
Try to revive those "learn to adjust to others needs" lessons we were taught all our childhood.
We try think the way they do,
try to adjust to their needs,
try to stop being different,
endeavour to erase our individuality,
try to understand society
the society, that comprises of many more like us.
many more who endeavour to fit in,
many more who try to think the way we do.
we try to live the life they want us to,
in this constant struggle against ourselves
and in the process we die each passing moment.

~riddhi~

Beyond Herself:: what lead to suicide..

Sharon screamed as she shut the door and locked herself up in in the attic. She screamed louder and slipped of the wall , dropped to the floor and yelled. she yelled louder as warm tears rolled down her cheeks and she wondered why this was happening to her. she wondered what she had ever done to deserve this? amidst the tears and the sweat she repeated that silent prayer, those oft repeated yet seldom heard, words. she had to get away.she stopped yelling, but she let the tears roll. she needed to let it out. let it out for once and then say goodbye. goodbye to all the fear, the anxiety, the trauma, the holding back.. she needed to let it out and live!live in bliss with that, that was most dear to her- pain.

She got up from the floor, walked up to the old trunk n opened the last drawer, all at once her mind cringed with doubt, but she blocked all such thoughts and amidst those tears n that sweat she looked for her get-away. she messed around the drawer and dug deeper to find what she was loooking for. aahhhh!1 finally!after holding on for so long. she was finaly going to let go of al that negativity tht had been aching her for almost ages now. she tore open the packet and slipped some pills into her hand. the tears rolled down her cheek onto her palm and wet the pills. she rubbed them against her palm and curled her fingers around them.

she opened the latch, led her way down the stairs. her feet skid twice but she managed not to slip. she went through her bedroom into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water.
she wasnt thinking, she was escaping, she knew it. but did it really matter? she blocked all those doubts, all that uncertainity that seemed to crop up from nowhere, just outa the blue. yes, she was getting away. she was letting go of the negativity. she popped the pills into her mouth and drank the entire bottle of water.
yess she was getting away. she let another tear roll down her cheek down to her clothing ,it was going to b her last after all..... she breathed.. she sighed.. she shed those silent tears.. as she slippd away... slipped away into the pain.the pain beyond all pleasure. she collapsed on the floor as she waited for the pain to take over her senses and show her how to live.

~riddhi~
May18,2006