Today

Today,

I want to write.

I want to write until I start rubbing my eyes out of exhaustion, until they well up because of the strain, until it's dawn and I realize I've missed the dark night.

I want to write until every single thought on my mind has been worded and stares into my face.

I want to write until I feel drained of every emotion that I haven't expressed, even to myself.

Today, I want to write like I've never written before.

Today, for the first time, I want to write what no one has ever read before- in content and in craft.

But today, I just don't know where to begin.

~

At least we wrote a poem

We never did fit that frame perfect,
We never did laugh together, alike
We couldn't even see eye to eye


But as we cursed and swore
And bled dry,
We wrote a poem
You and I 


~

Letter to my 16 year old self

Dear 16 year old Riddhi,

The world is not going to end with the board exams.

Yes, you're the youngest in class. Yes, you're the youngest wherever you go. Yes, it can be a bitch. But I'm not going to lie to you, infact I know that's the one thing you hate and always will, so- that's probably not going to change. Take pride in it or learn to deal with it. But the age thing is not going sort itself out. But yeah you got bigger problems to think about right now.

Don't be so worried about losing all those friends, you've made at school. The only reason you're dying to hold onto them is because of your inherent laziness and an unreasonable fear about what's in store for you. Breathe. Let go. Over the years, you'll meet many new people, fall for so many of them, find some great friends and lose some of them. But trust me when I say this sitting from here, each time, you'll be hurt, then let go and learn to love yourself and others a little more.

Life seems pretty messed up to you right now, but you're only 16 and luckily for you slightly nerdy. But the best part about being on an all time low when nothing seems to be going for you, is that from here you'll only rise. That I can say with surety. You're questioning everything around you right now. That's not bad. But don't judge basis your own assumptions, wait for experiences- they equip you with the best judgments. You're resorting to things you're not very proud of. But there will be a day when you will not be able to imagine using that blade on your wrist. There'll be a day you'll look back at your 16 year old self and laugh at this. Laugh, but with a feeling that resembles regret. So to avoid that feeling (because you don't like the very idea of regretting what you do), love yourself a lot more.

Weight loss will come to you too. But you'll never be happy with it. So no point obsessing over it anyway right? But just believe me when I say you're at your fattest best. So from here it only get's better! :)

You're still going to be as confused about the concept, nature, fundamentals and operational bits of love a few years down the line as you are now. Maybe I'll write to you about that later, like a hundred years down the line when I would have established my peace with it.

First kisses are overrated. Don't build your hopes around it too much.

Myspace is awesome right now. But in time you'll discover more technologically unobselete ways to publish your idea of poetry for free online. In fact, you know how your blog is restricted to public viewing right now? Ah, well, I don't want to be a killjoy.

Keep the confidence going, a few years down the line, you'll learn to feel it in your heart and your veins and it will be the one reason you get all that you want.

Oh and about your biggest worry- the board exams- don't worry you'll do just fine. But as is your nature (which people around you will keep pointing out to you, if they don't already)- you will crib about it nevertheless.

Just one thing before I sign off? Never  say never. There are so many surprises for you in store, I feel the excitement right from where I am :)

The big hug you need right now,
Riddhi + 6

~