Passive

Fade in.Fade out.
Keep smiling throughout.


Don't tell them what it's about.
Derive pleasure from their doubt.
Flow in. Flow out.
The tears flow endlessly,
But keep smiling throughout.


You're hurting,
Your ego shouts
They tell you to sing, out loud.
But you keep smiling throughout.


Fade in. Fade out.
There you go, you found the easy way out,
Didn't forget to smile throughout.

~

Love

Is it the warmth of this hug,
The smile on my face?
Is it your breath in my ear,
Or that despondent gaze?


I don't know what love is
But I know what it can't be.
Love can't be all the lies you say.


Is it your arms all around me,
My shoulders bare?
Is it the way my nerves tremble
When you so much as stare?


I don't know what love is
But I know what it can't be.
Love can't be when you just don't care.


Is it the giddiness within,
With the world unaware?
Is it the way I look at you,
Or all the things that I share?


I don't know what love is
But I know what it can't be.
Love can't be this pain, this anger rare.

Is it the grasp of your hand,

So perfect, just right?

Is it how you fall asleep,

Holding me tight? 

I don't know what love is

But I know what it can't be.

Love can't be waking up to a fight. 

Is it my face in your hands,
Your face in my hair?
Is it the things you say to me
When nobody's there?


I don't know what love is
But I know what it can't be.
Love can't be you walking away

~

Things to do.

Like I told someone a while back, the checklist keeps getting longer, but I can't remember ticking anything off it.
Nevertheless, we are souls that live in hope. We don't like to see what 'can't'. We will go on and dream. :)

1. Write a book. I don't know if i will ever want to or will publish it. But I have to write at least one good book. The problem is that my chain of thought is so random. All that I will be able to manage will be a collection of few random snippets, that I am certain I will never be certain about. 
2. Learn the salsa (Atleast am on my way here :) ), waltz and tango. 
3. Politics/Government Service. I don't know how just yet. But this has to happen. 
4. Impact rural education situation. I know how to, just waiting for the right time. THIS I know I will do. 
5. Have the perfect dance. Yes, perfection is over-rated. But, move on you cynics. There never is harm in hoping. ;)
6. Start up my own enterprise. 
7. Spanish: Well I have learnt it. Just need to get back to it. Take the basic level exam and brush it all up! 
8. Fall in what they call love. Hopelessly, mercilessly. I'd like to know the feeling of being helpless and crazy. Just because it will be too unique an experience to miss out on. What would it be like to just let go? 
9. Read everything, anything, just absolutely everything- fiction, politics, history, poetry. Okay, science fiction and the likes of John Grisham are not included. That shit is just out of bounds. 
10. Script and direct my own play. I am 21. This was supposed to have happened by now. Really. 
11. Become financially independent- afford the lifestyle I want to lead, buy my own house (pretty one that I know how I am going to do up), investments, fund my own education, everything. 
12.  Go to sleep with an empty mind. Sigh. 

So that is tata, until I wake up 6 months later and make another list with a few common points and some hopelessly contradictory. 

If I got paid for thinking, there would be very few richer than me. I swear.

~

Untitled

The mirror cracked,
The shadow screamed
The laughter died,
The green eyes did gleam.

Neither friend nor foe,
Can help one save his soul, no.
The war with the self
The mind is unsure.

You can't undo what's done,
The drama's just begun.
Reasons plenty to lie.
But from yourself, away can you shy?

There's a song in your head,
But the music is dead.
Only shadows screaming
And those green eyes gleaming.

You can't turn around and walk away.
You can't sit down and start to cry.
So you shut your eyes
And say it's over.
Knowing fully well, that the cloud of thought
still hovers.

~

Living in the Shadows

I cannot believe I had not heard this song until now. Considering the title of the song, of course. 
Hey, I really thought "living in the shadows" could be the original phrase I coined and I will make famous. Looks like Billy Talent is already all over the place. 


----------------


Constant quick fixes, don't make no sense
Hop on bandwagons, they make me sick

Don't you tell me, what you think is right
[When you're living in the shadows]
Close your eyes and you will lose the fight
[When you're living in the shadows]
Don't you tell me, what you think is right
[When you're living in the shadows]
I can tell that, you have lost your sight
[When you're living in the shadows]

Distant loud chuckles, keep me awake
Awkward instances, won't make you hip

Don't you tell me, what you think is right
[When you're living in the shadows]
Close your eyes and you will lose the fight
[When you're living in the shadows]
Don't you tell me, what you think is right
[When you're living in the shadows]
I can tell that, you have lost your sight
[When you're living in the shadows]

We've said this all before, your shadow's at the door
We've done this all before, your gun is at the door
There's darkness in the hall and we won't take the fall
And we won't take the fall

Don't you tell me, what you think is right
[When you're living in the shadows]
Close your eyes and you will lose the fight
[When you're living in the shadows]
Don't you tell me, what you think is right
[When you're living in the shadows]
I can tell that, you have lost your sight
[When you're living in the shadows]
[x2]

One needle at a time

When the curtains fall and the lights go off?

She sits alone on the floor, holding her knees close to her face, her arms wrapped around them. The silence around becomes noisier by the minute and she shuts her ears with her hands to avoid hearing it. But the silence only grew louder. Inside her somewhere, she felt heavy. It was the kind of weight, she'd been carrying for a while now but could never quite get used to. She wrapped her arms around herself again and pulled her knees closer to her face so she could rest her nose on them. This cocoon made her feel safe. She would to cocoon herself this way for this lifetime, at the very least.

Slowly, she used her right hand to reach out to the shiny metallic ray of hope that lay next to her. She picked up the needle and jabbed it into the wrist of her left arm, releasing spurts of red that were strangely comforting. She continued to poke herself, one needle at a time.

She watched closely the redness of the blood. Closely, but expressionless. Inside her somewhere, the weight didn't seem all that heavy now. The red comforted her, one needle at a time.

She could sit here in her cocoon for a lifetime, one needle at a time.

Until the lights come on again and the curtains rise and no one will ever know how she lost a part of herself every day, one needle at a time.

~

You know what I'd really like?

To walk in rain.
Rain that is pouring.Hard
So hard that the water can hurt.
I'd like to walk in rain like that, all alone.
No, please keep those trees and lonely woods crap to yourself
I'd like to take the main road, a straight road
With people and cars and the sound of angry horns and people shouting
It won't matter, any of it.
Because I wouldn't feel anything.
------------

To be able to laugh
Really loud.
Like a child.
Like it's from the heart
Laughter that comes from happiness, not humour.
Why, thank you for your time and wonderful articulation
But, really, I don't appreciate humour that much.
-----------------------------

To someday be able to explain that I do live in memories.
I preserve them.
Sometimes I choose not to, but it doesn't work.
They are so well preserved, I can keep going back to them.
I really begin to doubt the 'present'.
Because I can go back and forth and live a moment again and again and...
(this has been happening way before inception, the movie has nothing to do with it. But i could relate to the movie. in fact a detailed post on this is due.)
------------------------------

To destroy the battlefield that my mind has become.
---------------------------

I guess am back to being cryptic and sometimes using poetry/ fiction as a cover. 
This feels good though. And somehow safe
No prizes for guessing who's not a risk taker after all.


Go on, you'll find nothing here. I promise. 


~

Don't

Don't look at me the way you do,
I fear I'd tell you all.
Don't smile that smile
And tell me what's true
I like the safety of my wall.

Don't hold me tight
and let me be
I still fear I'll fall.
Don't hold my hand
or let it go,
Trust is still a distant call.

Don't leave it unsaid
because I can still hear it all
Don't be so far when still so close
For my doubts stand very tall.

Don't always know what I'll say
or what I'll do
Because you don't know me well at all.

~

Another Blog.

I'm trying something different.
Something that may or may not be more productive than this one.

www.mnosuperman.blogspot.com

This blog very much remains. Of Course.

The Other one is impersonal and the kind I'd like to 'brand' as someone put it today. ;)

ta
~

On a day like today

I have been unfair to this page. In all certainty  and absolute shame, I have been mean and why my dramatic self would say even ruthless to this page.
I only blog when I am sad or the closest I get to it. Period.
By no means does this post imply that thins are about to change. But this post is up to break the monotony, because that is a phenomenon I refuse to associate myself or my life with.
So here I am writing, on a day like today.

On a day like today, when I was engrossed in work and numbers and excel sheets were all that I could think of. On a day like today when it rained. It rained and I smiled.
On a day like today, when I got back home at a decent hour (comparative basis of course) and did nothing productive at home.
On a day like today, when I had no extraordinary thoughts, no striking realizations, no painful memories; just a few regular laughs and the usual insanity.

A day like today, that is nothing exceptional. Just what they call 'normal'.

But a day like today that feels good. A day that is no associated with any earth shattering difference or sudden bliss.

On a day like today, I just feel calm. And calm is good. Very.

So here's to the other side of life that I kept hidden from my own page, The side of my life that's just regular.

~

Spring Cleaning!

It's not exactly spring-time, not even to the most optimistic souls who would perceive living in this oven a way of experiencing 'sunshine' and the 'pretty' things that come with.
But it's cleaning time. THAT it is. Thanks to a the entire physical space of my house being repainted/whitewashed/ other things I don't know how to name, I have had to re-arrange all my things. And, I mean ALL.
There is a lot left to do. I wouldn't call this the real 'cleaning', but thought i'd post  little something anyway.

I had all my stuff around on the floor and thats when it hit me, how I save the strangest things. I refuse to part with my college books. Reasons being many. I regret not having all of them and it's not like i used them too much in college, but there is so much economics inside them. I just can't give them away. So there lies that pile reminding me, I have a subject to get back to and theories to some day, uncover.

After more than a month, I finally opened the carton containing my well, almost recent life inside it. Out came notebooks, projects and sheets of paper filled with absolutely unnecessary content that have flown all the way from Bombay to Dilli- with me (and some with my father, because I had way too much luggage). As I opened my notebooks, I could see that movie flash before me- the kind they all talk about. Honestly, I did not have the courage to go through those notebooks. I am afraid every page has  memory with it. You know the thing is, I will never part with these because this is knowledge. But, my reasons for attachment go far beyond that in this particular case. Every little page has a memory of the other things we did during class. The day I really open those books, I'll put up a LONG post here. I know it. But not now. Not tonight. Now is not the time to go through that carton in entirety. Now is the time to hold myself together and move on. So there lies a collection of sheets reminding me that once upon a time I had to run away in order to stop running away.

Out of some hidden corner of my house, came my little box of letters. Just when I was about to open this, I discovered yet another box of letters ans my packet full of cards. Considering I did not have the courage to go through my notebooks of last year, these letters seemed like herculean task, to say the very least. I still went ahead and read one though. You know what I asked myself? What are the bloody odds! This letter happened to be from the only person I would have wanted to carry with me from my school in New Delhi. A letter summing up 6 years of a friendship that was my school life. 6 years of a friendship that ended and how. You know what sucks? It still hurts. So there is one packet, 2 boxes and a little slam book reminding me of the person I used to be.

My biggest learning? Don't save stuff if you will not go back to it later. If you do however go back to it, try being happy for once. If you are someone who associates the very word 'memory' to pain and a certain sense of morbidness that you will later pass onto your blog, then just bloody avoid accumulating so many of them.

Oh and there's one more thing, being emotionally cautious and guarded is not a recent phenomenon for me, it turns out. Infact, I used to be worse, or I've learnt to hide it better. Its uncanny, how the most important relationships in my life end the same way. Well almost. They don't really end, but they never stay the same. I hate it when that happens. I wouldn't tell you but I do.

Right, there's one last thing- Weekends in this city give people a lot of time to think. Not good. Not good at all for me.

~

Montage of Memories

Night; still I walked a while
The rain; It was teasing me, I  knew
So I could break into a smile
While tears rolled down my cheeks
And inside me, I felt the cold and the blue.
-----------------------------------
I looked down the road.
I always did, you know.
There was so much noise around
I couldn't hear a thing though.
----------------------------------
And then you held me
A way I never thought you would.
And when I looked into your eyes,
I could see you look into mine.
In the movies, this would have been it.
But in my montage, I can only feel the pain.
--------------------------------
When I heard him choke
Or saw his eyes well up,
Something inside me tossed.
It tossed and it turned.
It tossed and it turned.
But I stood smiling.
So, he told me am stone hearted and cold.
------------------------------
We stayed up the whole night
Just she and I
And our bottle of rum.
Talking about the times that were
And the ones still to come.
There's a window sill there,
To which, I owe a goodbye.
------------------------------
I din't think life could get any better.
Just all of us around
Engaged in useless banter
Boxer shorts and many a jester
Did we know then, how life would alter?
--------------------------------
Left, Right, Left
Or was it Right, Left and then Right?
They zoomed past, while I thought
I'll be under one those
That will be reason for my death, I propose.
I looked up to find you smiling
And realized am already on the other side of the crossing.
Why did it comfort me so much,
This hand holding?
----------------------------
I lay down on that bed the whole day
Wishing it were a little wider
Or maybe just a little longer?
The window should let more in too, you know.
And why, just why was the ceiling fan noisy so?
-------------------------------
For all the chitter-chatter
and loud laughter
I know I owe them a letter
Hell no, the cat too?
Never; I don't miss it
And it was never cute.
--------------------------------
I was in high spirits,
Quite literally so!
But I could see their faces all lit.
I din't deserve all this.
Not one bit.
Surprise, affection, hugs, et all.
I cried because I was having a ball!
Twenty one I'd like to be again.
If only these memories wouldn't cause so much pain.

~

You know what's amazing?

That there is so much I should want to express
However, quite naturally, I draw a blank.

These days, I see everything in snapshots. My thoughts are in the form of a montage. A montage of memories.
I see flashes, images. These flashes are constant but short. My mind does not spelll out essays any longer or play a movie with that soft background score I usually find comfort in.

My thoughts have a mind of their own. I cannot control them or make them continuous. They have a new soundtrack, one I have not learnt to classify yet. This novelty is striking and slightly uncomfortable.

I will write another entry on this montage of memories. Some of them are probably just figments of my imagination.

But I've reached a point where I no longer know what's real and what's not. I just know what's on my mind.

And sometimes, not even that.

~

Yes.

"I'd love to look into your face without your eyes turning away."

- "grey or blue"- Jaymay

~~~

A Bullet Pointed Life

I could start another blog on this.
What happened to that continuous flow of random yet enviable thoughts? ( lack of modesty remains the one thing that's unchanged, though :P)
You see, we need to achieve those big words these days- 'precision' , 'clarity', 'effectiveness' and of course 'results' - anywhere and everywhere. So we condense the expression of every emotion and bullet point our life and its products. Damn these blood sucking capitalist leeches.

It is amazing how capitalism has become the system. Make humans machine to increase productivity. Yes, that is all good and am all for it. But what do I do about that thought that keeps popping in and out of my head. The thought that says to me " You are doing all this to make sure there is enough money in one manipulative, son of a very respectable lady's bank account". See at the end of it, it all seems so useless. Because, in the bigger picture, Am I solving any problem?

Now, I like the idea of creation of nurturing what has been created. I think we all need to sell ourselves all the time, forget the brands we work for. I like those concepts of marketing and advertising and branding and what not. I comprehend them easily and can't wait to see their application. But again, all this for what? To get more involved in this world of consumerism.

This is how it works-

I want pretty stuff.
To obtain those, I need money.
So I need to earn money.
To earn money, I need to go get my blood sucked at some capitalist establishment.
I let them suck my blood till I turn pale.
They reward me with less than one millionth of their actual 'revenue' or 'profit'.
Now I can go buy the pretty stuff I want.

But you know what? This pretty stuff is the result of another capitalist establishment. This is pretty stuff that you don't necessarily want. They just make you want it so they can make money off you and buy other pretty and non-pretty stuff that they assume they cannot live without.
It is a vicious circle, all this and if you step out and examine the happenings, you will not find value in any of it. It seems so pointless. It thrives on the innate greed in humans. I have put this is extremely simple terms (because I refuse to fall prey to the need for complicated words- at least in this post). But this what it truly is about- nothing.

I would like a life that is random, very random. A life that does not entail me to summarize my expressions, instead make them detailed. A life that is continuous and free flowing, where the cause of sudden happiness in my life is NOT the new pair of earrings i bought.

Yet, as I write these profound words and make theories of my own, I continue to live in my little bubble- let these capitalist leeches suck my blood and wait for the golden date of 26th, so I can get my first salary. Why is that so important to me? Oh because I HAVE to buy myself a pair of pretty sunglasses and a nice new pair of heels ( I still don't have the red pumps I really want).

Tsk.Tsk. Shame on you Riddhi Kapoor!

~~

New and Improved

Dear Riddhi,

Welcome to your life- its now NEW and IMPROVED. Yes, you do not believe the two words can be used simultaneously, but hey, this brings about the point just perfectly.
So, this new chapter starts in a not-so-new-to-you city: Dilli :).
Yes, you have despised it for long enough, but this time the city is going to grow on you. Just calm yourself down and go with the flow. This phase your life entails you start "work". Well, at least you go to a workplace. How much work you actually do or get done shall remain a mystery for a while. You are now no longer a student. You are expected to get up in the morning (the morning before 12:00 PM you lazy moron!) and go to an AC workplace where you will sit at your workstation and 'work'. In case you realize you actually don't have any 'work', you are expected to keep sitting and pretend like there is. While putting up this act of providing substantial contribution to the organization as well your own thick brain, you have enough time to wonder as to why they hired you in the first place- it is not like your indispensable to the growth of their organization. In fact, beep that, it is not like you provide an value addition at all.

That aside, you will like your new life. You will like your workplace. You will like the luxury of what you can actually call your home. You will enjoy the journey back and forth everyday because it will give you the opportunity to stare into space and at the pretty roads. As a matter of fact, there will be a lot of pretty-ness all around you. Your new life will bring to you more stability and enough time and space to plot your next steps. You have missed plotting haven't you? Well now there is enough time for you to continue plotting your revolution. You can get back to reading too, for fear of reaching a stage where you would call yourself illiterate, if nothing else. Oh! the opportunities are unlimited.

Beware of claustrophobia though. That phenomenon has always been associated with this city and you are allergic to it. Why, you believe it is a disease, don't you? So don't let it catch on to you for the consequence is prolonged illness apart from of course, losing the plot, messing up your thought process and urging you to pack your bags and run away. So whenever you see so much as a symptom of this dreaded disease, hush yourself up, take a bath and watch Big Bang Theory.

Your new life is not all that bad, just accept it as yet another phase and do what you did with the last version of your life- treat it like a passing phase of one year and live it to the fullest (very much like those cliche motivational speeches). It worked once, it will definately work again. Even if it doesn't, it is worth the shot now, isn't it?

~
;)

Confused child, where art thou?

I was once asked by someone, who is actually my namesake, "You are always confused aren't you?"
I could only smile, nod my head and sigh "Indeed".
Most of us do look for that perfect phrase or word to describe our lives, I guess "Perpetual Confusion" would define mine.
It is funny to an onlooker, tiresome to a friend, a characteristic trait to my family but nothing less that unnerving to myself.
My astounding levels of confusion startle my own self. I reach a new height every passing day and life has come to a point where there is no looking back. Its an irony to say the least. Am I not the same person who is perceived as organized, focused and 'in charge'? I stopped trying to demystify this a while back. Now I just accept it as yet another paradox that is my life.

~

P.S: Random? Yes. But I am just glad this one's not morbid. :P

All over again

The pain, the confusion, the love, the hatred, the uncertainty, the aggression, the calm, the tears, the laughter, the joy, the memories..

I experienced all those things all over again. Only, this time I am trying not to succumb to them.

I made a choice instead- a decision some call sudden, some call strange and some think its downright stupid.

I think it is all those things. But in entirety, I know its right.

I do not know if it what I want, but I know it is what I need.

And when you don't know what you want, what you need becomes the 'right', the very right.

So there I go again. I think I am getting used to being erratic.

Riddhi Kapoor, stop thinking so much and just jump right in!

~~

Poems that remain with you forever :)

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

- Rudyard Kipling

I'm thinking..

Should I be lesser vague and more detailed on this page?

I use this page as a source of relief, so most of the posts happen to be morbid types. Mostly because I really don't 'update' the blog per say. it doesn't record any recent happenings or for that matter happy times (and there are so many!).

So when I was reading through the other day, I realized there are phases in my life I have just missed. Using the medium to relieve yourself is all good, but there is SO much more one can do with it!

I should re-read the blog and update it more often. make it more detailed, more relevant. Write about the issues I have always wanted to. Most of my 'revolutionary' ideas remain in my head. Atleast, expressing them would be a start.

Also, i am considering starting a diary- like everday types. That should be fun!

ta

Shakespeare Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds   

Admit impediments.

 Love is not love  

Which alters when it alteration finds,  

 Or bends with the remover to remove: 

 O no! it is an ever-fixed mark  

 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;  

It is the star to every wandering bark, 

 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 

If this be error and upon me proved,   

I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

       William Shakespeare         (1564 - 1616)

Just Deaf

I want to write about the voices I hear, but I've nothing to write about.

The only voices I hear, are the ones in my head. These voices are so loud, they are drowning out the ones I really want to hear- the ones outside: a stranger's laughter, an old man's abuse, a child's cry, the rustling of leaves, the sound of the sea bathing the rocks at marine drive, the sound of the bell on the chaiwaala's cycle, that road vendor calling out to me, my mum's sniffing, the black car screeching to a halt.

These voices outside are not always pleasant, yes. But they are real.

The voices inside my head betray me at the most inappropriate times. When I try hard to listen to them, really listen them, only silence greets me.

Then am left deaf. Infact, that is the word I've been looking for. I feel deaf and my mind draws an empty white. Just deaf.

If I was still as articulate as earlier, I would have expressed myself in the form of poetry. But that doesn't come to me anymore. Even sentences are difficult to form. Its all bullet points and short phrases now. Shouldn't that be a good thing? But more on this later.

~

puzzles you can't fix

Am feeling that feeling after really long.

There are puzzles around. I'd fix them

But I can't find the missing pieces.

I looked around all I could.

I searched everywhere I could.

I tried until I could not try anymore.

"But I still haven't found what am looking for..."

~~

Lost the plot now?

A friend of mine asked me a few weeks back "Riddhi, have you lost the plot somewhere?"

It made me think.

I've been happier. Certainly. I've been going with the flow. The cheesy phrase that mentions spreading your wings to the fullest would apply here.

But there's a brevity of thought. There is a block in the process of penning what am thinking down. Theres a loss in the fluidity of my expression. But there is a sense of calm, a sense of happiness I enjoy.

It is mighty strange how that fluidity of expression comes when i feel something close to morbid.

I don't know if i have lost the plot somewhere. Because frankly, I don't think i ever made a plot i'd want to follow.

Is it a phase or change of thought process? But suddenly, I want to go with the flow. I want to run around, in different directions. I dont want no pattern. I dont like no pattern.

But the thought is still in my head, is there really a plot that I have lost only mid way?

ta

Just like that!

I am twenty one.

And thanks to some people, i realized its not so bad. Infact not bad at all. If you get the kind of surprises i got, I'd want to turn 21 again and again and again.

:)

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kajdlAHWRPOQWRLNAFN,Nldna.fna

afkahwroiy3rlnaldjapojfdna.nfaf

ajdpwjrpojqwramn.fafaf

adowyroahfan.fnalfraprjweprna.nfv.zf

Its amazing how you don't always need to be articulate to express what your feeling :)

~riddhi

P.S- am growing old :(

Sometimes...

Some great conversations can remind you, to know people who know you really well, you don't have to look too far.

Now too close either.

Does it matter how much I hang around with you to know how well you know me?

You can predict me, yes. But to know how well i know you or you know me, a conversation is all we bloody need!

I dont need to be with you all the time to know you the way you want me to.

Ta!

My epitaph will read

"For what its worth, it was worth all this while"

;)

500 swords and 2 bad words

Friday Night.

Media planning exam in a few hours.

Actually it already is 4:11 Am- so Saturday morning technically.

My mind is wandering again. Theres a lot going on in there. There is a lot am masking. I know i dont want to, but i know i have to.

Sometimes, many things go wrong together. There are so many of them, it is difficult to gauge which one of them we are really worked up about. And then one day, the stray ends of the puzzle fall back into place. So you've been waiting for this day, haven't you? Strangely enough, the puzzle you were trying to fix wasn't worth it anyway. When you see the result, when you see those stray ends all in place, you realize it was not even worth the effort. Din't you intend to form a different picture?

Yes, you learnt a lot, helluva lot while solving it. But then, that is the only consolation you have for the enormous amount of time that has practically, in all means, been wasted. So you smile to yourself and take the learning with you, like you always do. And then you promise yourself, this is the last time, knowing fully well its not.

Do you choose to face these bitter endings or are you just born that way? A question you ask yourself all the time. You believe in practicality. You believe life is about the choices you make. Things don't just happen, you 'make' them happen. But that would imply, you make the wrong choices, every bloody time.

The world is a strange place alright!

but as long as we continue living, it all really is worth it isnt it?

~

And then there are days...

Days you feel it all coming back to you- the pain, the hurt, the anger- oh! so much anger.

Days you one thing ticks you off and you remember so many other. You remember the time you had done something you weren't really proud of. It hadnt been easy. But oh it was painful- so very painful.

And there was a certain sense of pleasure you derived from that pain. Pleasure that is sinful, apart from other things. But you miss that pleasure. And you want that pain all over again.

Because there are days when everything just really bloody matters.

The numbness that has set in

Its a strange sense of numbness. I wish i could write a song on it.

Infact I wish I could just write.

Its a task these days- to put together in complete sentences what I want to. Its a task to think straight. And when I think of what is bothering me so much, My mind feels blank, like memories have been erased. erased in a horrible way so bits and pieces loom behind, still stuck in corners, refusing to get out, but the large parts are deleted.

I hate finality. Theres something about it I just cannot accept. My relations with people in general are never complete, final or full. Theres always clutter in my brain which is quite ironic if one would consider how controlling i can usually want to be. Sometimes, i want to hold that brain of mine and squeeze it so hard that the thoughts should not be there go pouring out. I wish it was physically possible to plant thoughts out of the mind.

Other times, I just want to think about these things even more. There is a certain sense of pleasure one can derive out of pain. A friend had once told me long back- Pain is the worst addiction and your capable. I should have listened. When i look inside, I feel pain, a lot of it.

But on the surface there is a numbness that has set in. its almost like plastic. On the surface there is a lot laughter and shallow thoughts. But there was a time, I knew the deeper ones that lay within. And now there is a time when I avoid anything that lies within.

Since when did I become so comfortable running away from my very own self? Comfortable would actually be the wrong word. But habitual is probably correct.

You think so hard, you go crazy and when you still cannot sort it out, you ignore it. This is basic human nature- atleast thats what a lot of people belittle it as. But something is bothering me.

Something intangible, something that is an accumulation of more than one feeling, of more than one thought. I cannot pin point what it really is.

Until I cant figure that out, I guess I will just continue running away.

~

I'm Just wondering...

"Koi to rokey, koi to tokey
Iss umar mein ab khaogey dhokhe
Darr lagta hai ishq karne mein ji
Dil to bachcha hai ji
Dil to bachcha hai ji
Thoda kaccha hai ji"

- Gulzar

"Main toh hoke kisi ki hoke

Ye bhi Na jaani

Rut hai ye do pal ki

Ya rahegi sada "

- Javed Akhtar

:)

Randoming...

The kind of numbness that swallows me

Someday, I'l drown in self pity

The void within will only deepen

And in that moment of self-hatred,

Maybe, I'l finally learn to love.

-------------------------------------

These walls that aren't meant to be broken

Suffocate me, strangle me.

I keep wishing those dried up tears would flow

But am left to face my conscience, all alone.

--------------------------------------

19th November 2009

Direct Marketing class ;)

~Riddhi ~

For the very first time,

I deleted something off this blog.

This post just called for it.

I do not know why. But I had to.

Just asking

Am I really as vain as am made out to be?

~

Today

I overheard a conversation between the frankie guy and the guy who sells juice at the canteen.

They were discussin China.

The juice guy was telling the frankie guy about

how everything chinese is very cheap.

How he should buy the chinese make of

whatever it is he was planning to buy.

:)

What I've been noticing

The way the black road shines when it rains. And there is yellow around to make the shine look prettier. I like looking down at the road and walking these days. Black can be very comforting. Yes.

The speed at which people move in this city. Theres a sense of desperation in their walk, anger in their eyes and a thirst for change in their demeanour. When I look at them, I think they are thinking "Soon this will end".

The bloodshot eyes of desperation is more noticeable in the daily wage earners.And when you look at that intensity, you realize the beauty of being human.

How that road filled with trees makes me stop looking at the black of the road. All that greenery leads to an ATM. Whats more beautiful?

That Reading gives me peace.

That you can get along with most humans. Acceptance is the key. And a lot of smiling of course. But then, genuity matters most.

That when the chatter subsides, there's an emptiness that cannot be explained.

~

My mind is wandering

It's strange how I've been wanting to write here for a while now.

A lot has been on my mind, almost too much to be able to comprehend. But, when I open this page and begin to write, I blank out.

Was reading up the blog and trying to figure out how I could write so effortlessly once upon a time, how it was mandatory for me to put down my thoughts here, even if it was in the form of third person, poetry or what might seem fiction. Suddenly, there's a blank space in my mind that's pushing the rest of the thoughts to corners. Corners, I cannot explore right now. I miss continuity of thoughts. I miss effortlessness. I miss a sense of calm that would surface the turbulence.

Reading the Kiterunner currently, has some brilliant quotes I wanted to put up here, cant seem to remember where they were anymore. This is all just so new to me.

~

This is...

... to the little lecture you gave me and I kept shut.

... to all the times you called me dependant and juvenille

... to all the times you thought to yourself, your the only one who can 'handle' me.

...to all those times you convinced yourself i needed to be 'handled'

...to all those times, I knew just what you were thinkin, but knew this day will come.

I still care about you. Isnt that strange?

~~~

Not so numb

It strikes again.

That feeling you get before you hit rock bottom.

Its a funny phrase isnt it- 'rock bottom'?

You think you have hit it only to realize there is a new low out there for you to hit again.

But am getting that feeling, the one i get before i hit the first rock bottom.

Its not the best feeling to live with.

-------------------------------------------------

Confusion galore. Too much of it. I hate the fact that confusion is a good adjective to define my life. I hate it, but i cannot deny it.

------------------------------------------------

Current State of Mind-

Annoyed, homesick, deprived of personal space, lonely (and actually admitting it- thats something), people- too many of them and yet no one, irritated and irritable (easily), too much to do and nothing that i wish to.

-------------------------------------------------

Current Attitude-

Irritable, witty, silly, loud (not the things i really should be loud about though), laughy (for no apparent reason), procastinating (until i really wouldnt have an option but to do), weirded out.

-------------------------------------------------

The city is just rushing past me. Maybe i need to go for a walk. Alone.

I like this city, I know its more than a year for me over here. But its lonely and not in an alone way. In a way where you feel deprived of your personal space. I need that alone walk. Music, trees and me. For once just me. And the smell of the sea. Ah water! Ikky wikky bikki. blah!

--------------------------------------------------

And of course, the hurt again. Yet another memory I want to erase from my life. Cut myself off again. Now its all just funny. I think its what i want in life. how do I land up in such situations againa and again and again? trust issues it is. I am feeling that feeling again - having people who demand a lot of me, sometimes all of me, only to leave me with nothing, not even warmth.

I want something back- only I do not know what it is.

----------------------------------------------------

*Afterthought-

Such a morbid post! speaks sadness all through!

All this when I would actually describe myself as happy.

I miss simplicity. I really do.

Brevity Etc.

And suddenly I stare at this page and want to write more in it. But I never quite get past clicking 'new post'. Because suddenly, i feel all sorted out or maybe not even sorted enough to be able to write anything. I do not know.

Objectivity has set in again. Only this time I like it. I still feel those things within me, that I always do. I am just finding it difficult to put it to words.

On the contrary, I am also thinking of professional writing. Freelance maybe. Lets see how this works out. I am a little confused, a little excited, a little tired, a little bored and a little, just a little sad.

P.S- I am finally a graduate :)

It takes only a moment

She whined on for reasons many

And He looked at her with eyes heavy.

And as he brought back the smile to her face,

He watched her as though completely dazed.

And in that moment another was hurt

As she saw him with adoring eyes.

But his adoration was reserved for another.

She smiled to herself as she held a tear.

In that moment, she realized, it was two of them

While she was 'the other'.

------------------------------

She held his glance all that while,
Watched carefully his eyes, so very agile.
He hurt her with those words he said,
But she would not let it show, not a tear shed.
She smiled back as though with meaning
To mask the enormity of it all, that she was feeling.

She knew in that moment he should never know,
Maybe lying to herself, would make it all really go.

-------------------------------

Bombay Begins...

As promised to myself- next post from another city.

One that I will learn to call my city.

So my thoughts?

Excitement, enthusiasm, boredom, happiness, nostalgia...mixed emotions. So mixed, its difficult to document them.

Its good. Its all good here.

Music is the ultimate saviour of the soul. _ so says riddhi kapoor :P

Sala

Riddhi

...

"Ankhon mein jiske, koi toh khwaab hai

Khush hai wahi jo, thoda betaab hai

Zindagi mein koi, arzoo ki jiye

Phir Dekhiye"

~ 'Phir Dekhiye' - Rock On ~ :)

Bittersweet Endings and Brand New Beginnings.

They happen to us all , don't they?

But whats important before a brand new beginning is a perfect or not-so perfect ending.

A happy or maybe bittersweet ending. But yes, an Ending.

And I guess thats what I've been in the process of doing.

I'm almost done I think.

And now I cant wait for my brand new Beginning.

Next Post from another city. One that am already quite in love with.

I actually do not know what the future holds.

Literally.

So until the next post, tata!

In the meanwhile i have to do some ridiculous things like buy buckets and bedsheets. :S

Reality strikes a dreamer..Sigh!

~Riddhi~

All that Ends.

I am not a movie buff. I can count the number of movies I have seen on well my fingers. Batman is , something I am least amused by- was never fond of the comic book, never watched a single movie (I that is amusing or shocking or makes you shake your head in wonder/disgust, thats just too bad for you :P). I just have this mental block against movies in general and action/ superhero/ horror ones in particular. But recently, I came across the below dialogue in a friend's blog - one that I really enjoy reading and often wonder if I have written those myself. These lines couldnt fit better. They define a part of my life, one i got detatched to long time ago. An end that I had accepted and moved on from, But when i read these lines, I could only wish I had read them earlier. Maybe I really should watch movies. ;). Neverthless, the real point is, here is my perfect end-

Batman: You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I get to lose things. Because I'm not a hero. Not like Dent. I killed those people. That's what I can be.

Gordon: No, no, you can't! You're not --

Batman: I'm whatever Gotham needs me to be. Call it in.

Gordon: They'll hunt you.

Batman: You'll hunt me. You won't get me. Send the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen. Because sometimes, the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.


Gordon's Kid: Batman! Batman! Why is he running, dad?

Gordon: Because we have to chase him.

Gordon's Kid: He didn't do anything wrong.

Gordon: Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not afraid to move. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight.

The End 

~Love Me Tender~

Being 20 isnt easy. Especially when you belong to a generation victimized by a plethora of romantic stories - books, shows, movies, quotes, they all revolve around "happy endings". Growing up imagining that one fine day they meet 'the one' who shall 'complete' them, this generation gradually transitions from hoping to waiting for that day, for 'the one'.

I am ruthless to such desires of happy endings. I am a known realist. I almost detest romanticism. I am also called too cynical about this issue than needed. (Ah well but is cynicism really ever 'needed'?). But its not like I do not have my own definition of love. I dont believe in love but yes, I do define it. I am told that deep down, I am a hopeless romantic who uses sarcasm as a cover. I thought about that, looked deep down and then deeper down until there was no more deep left and I reached the conclusion that sarcasm was it, i wasnt covering anything. I really do believe that the common perception and definition of 'true love' is just a figment of overactive imagination. It stems from the eternal need for re-assurance. Its roots are inner insecurities that we refuse to come terms with.

The reason I come close to detesting the concept of 'true love' is because its usage today insults the very definition of love , or atleast my definition of love. From my observations, most (not all ) people view true love as that ultimate feeling of bliss which will arise out of the company of 'the one'. It is supposed be that time when you dont have to deal with the excess baggage your life has brought with it, when you dont have to fight the fight alone. The true lover of course has its own brilliant definitions. He/ She is assumed to be one who will understand fully what we stand for, will do wonderful things for us that we want done, will re-assure us, will help us get rid of our inner insecurities and well will lead us to become more sorted individuals.

This is my point of contradiction. I'l tell you what love is ( my definition, I mean). Love is more than that crazy feeling inside yout tummy when you see the person you claim to love, it is much more than giddy emotions and racing hormones, but above all, it is not selfish. If I love you, it has nothing to do with me. It has to do with you. It has to do with the fact that I know you and I understand you. I will stand by you no matter what. I love you but I may not want you and I might know I never will have you but I still love you. I love you because I want to watch you and be with you when you laugh, when you cry, when your hurt and when your not. I love you so I want to be beside you when you sleep, not necessarily want to touch you, but just watch you sleep. If I love you, then my love is devoid of insecurity, jealousy and anger. If I love you, then I will watch you be with the person you love, even when it is not me. I want whats best for you and am willing to accept it may not be me. Because my Love has nothing to do with me. It has to do with you, with who you are and above all who you can be. I know you and I know what you can be. I want to watch you be what you can be, but I want you to achieve it on your own, because that process will add to who you are. It will make me love you even more and it might make you move away from me farther. If I love you, then I will not judge you or hurt you or expect anything out of you because love has nothing to do with me. If I love you does not mean I want to be with you and it does not mean If I am not with you, I will stop loving you. Because I love you for what you are and what you can be. 

Love is when you know them, their character, what they are made of, what they are capable and above all, what maybe they do not even know about themseleves. Love is not supporting their wrong decisions but making them realize its consequences on their own. It does not mean holding their hand when they fall, but it means standing there and waiting for them to get up on their own because you know they can and you make them believe they can. Because Love is not about you, its about whom you love. It is selfless, it is secure, pure, content, happy and enough. It is True. When you love them, you will be true to them, but more importantly, you will be true to yourself. It does not mean losing yourself because your love is not about you, its for them. 

I love you for you not for what you are to me. I love you not to get rid of my inner insecurities but simply for your whole self. I do not believe 'the one' (If There exists such a thing) "completes" us etc. Individually, only we can solve our problems ourselves. To be happy, to be content, to be secure, we need to battle the contradictions within us ourselves. Needing someone else to help us with ourselves is not loving them, its needing them and sometimes using them and that will lead to nowhere. You love someone for their whole and you cannot complete or do anything about their whole, but you can care about that whole, love it, want to be beside it and want to love it even more. 

Love inspires love. It is not a need. It is not about you but about the person you love. 

I guess I have made my point. I might add to this later. 

The Bhagawad Geeta says that jealousy, anger, envy are all manifestations of our internal insecurities. They seldom have anything to do with the other person. 

I couldnt agree more. Why insult love by mixing it with a need to sort out our inner self? Why insult your love by making it about you? 

And well before I end...

Does such love really exist though? Does one have the power to love so purely? How would the cynic know so much about love? 

Do I have the Power to love like that? Have I ever loved like that? 

Your guesses are as good as mine . 

~Riddhi~

8th June 2009 

...

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to"

-Anna Nalick "Breathe (2AM)" 

Realizations Profound

Sometimes, you live a moment so special, a part of you remains stuck there even as you try to move on. You never will know what you your experiencing while it is still happening, but when the moment is past, you realize a part of you is stuck there- in that moment, refusing to move on. 
While you put the pieces back together, you realize maybe the moment your stuck in is not even worth it, the people who you experienced it with have moved on. But the reason you continue to hold on is because it changed you forever. It gave you a realization- one your not really willing to accept. 

It is now for me to accept what this moment gave me. That sense of realization has to come or I'll hold onto it forever. So I guess I should put swallow my humongous ego and realize that I am human after all. 

Reading List...

Come 20th and the following will occupy my time. I cant wait for holidays- when I can just read the entire day without a worry about anything! So here is the stuff I have to catch up on-

1. Shantaram
2. Atlas Shrugged
3. Hamlet
4. Othelo
5. As you like it
6. Emma
7. Anything for you Ma'am
8. Kiterunner
9. The White Tiger
10. Train to Pakistan

I do not believe I have not read this stuff. Infact its so embarrassing I wonder why am even posting this. Well considering I am hopefully graduating in 8 days, its high time I read this stuff :)

I cannot wait to read this stuff :) 

The smell of an enticing fictional piece..sighh...I know what I am missing out on 

Cheers

Riddhi